things to say...and not to say to divorced people

I haven't got the question in a while, but it used to be one that people asked me on a regular basis: "My friend is getting divorced, what should I say to him/her?" I usually answered, "Nothing. If they're just going through the divorce and they're reaching out to you, they probably only want you to listen at this point. And maybe offer them a Kleenex every few minutes to wipe the snot and tears off their face."

But fast forward 6 months, or a year, or 6 years. And that friend is still divorced. They might even be referring to themselves as "single" now because they've moved beyond wanting to be defined by the big D. And you still feel like you should say something to them. ok, then. Here's a helpful, tongue-in-cheek (and where the heck did that saying come from anyway?!), I've-lived-through-it-so-I'm-practically-an expert list of things you should and should not say to a divorced person.
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SHOULD NOT SAY:

1. "Well, you're so pretty/gorgeous/smart/funny/cute/ a good parent/ a good friend/ level-headed/ fun to be around/ talented/ handsome (if he's a dude. I hope you don't have handsome lady friends) that I'm sure you'll find someone soon." 

Instead, just give the compliment without hooking it to whether or not they'll meet someone. Because darn if it doesn't make a single person think, "Yeah, you're right! I am all those things! So, what's wrong with me then?!?!"

2. "I would NEVER have thought you would be divorced. You seemed to have such a strong marriage."

Gee, thanks for reminding me. I thought I did too. Now buy me ice cream because you made me cry, darn it.

3. "Oh, I am so jealous of you. You get to do such fun things. Married life seems boring in comparison to what you do!"

No. No. You're not jealous of me. If you are, there is something wrong with you. I play musical chairs with other adults. I sing karaoke to "Islands in the Stream". I have learned more line dances than a woman my age should know. I go on scavenger hunt double dates like I was 16 again. Single life has it's moments of fun. And as a married couple, you should never give up having fun, so get to work on that(!)  But you, married person, in addition to all that unconditional love and devotion stuff, get to have 'relations', whenever.  And we, single celibate people, get to go out in large groups and eat pancakes at midnight. And you want to trade? Really? Really?! Moving on....

4. "My husband went out of town last weekend and I thought I was going to DIE trying to do everything myself. I know how you feel!"

Yeah, not so much. Because for as near death as you felt, you knew he was coming back. Try sustaining near death until it becomes *normal.* Look at your kids, your dirty dishes, your unfolded laundry, your house, your car, your animal that needs groomed, your pile of bills, your unmowed yard, every errand that needs run. Now picture it alllll yours to take care of. All of it. A l w a y s. No breaks.    I do very much (no sarcasm involved) appreciate people trying to appreciate my circumstance. But it's not one that can be fully understood till you're in it. Like the sweet thing pregnant for the first time who think she knows all about what labor is going to be like because she read a book. ha. ha. And, really, I don't want you to fully understand. Honestly.


Now...THINGS THAT ARE O.K. TO SAY:

1. "You look happy." or "You seem content." or "I'm really proud of what you've accomplished."

This says, in a classy way, I realize you probably want to get married again and are working at it at your own pace. But in the meantime, way to enjoy the journey :)

2. "What can I do to help you?"

This is good, but please, PLEASE don't say it unless you mean it. It's hard for most single people to ask for help, and even worse when we do finally muster up the courage to ask for you to help us only to have you act put off. Note: That's different than being genuinely unable to. We understand if you're busy. But, yeah, if you're not really serious about the offer, don't make it.

3. "Would you like me to set you up with so and so?"

This one could go in either category... Yes. I would appreciate being set up with someone you can vouch for. It makes me feel safe. It helps even more if I can look him directly in the face without cringing and if he's not living in a van down by the river. However, if he is your widowed 70 year old father. Or your 21 year old RM brother. Or your Uncle Larry fresh off his 4th divorce though, "it's clearly never his fault." Then, um, no. I'm really doing good on my own, spank you very much :)

4. Finally, we divorced single people always appreciate being told "You aren't married because you stink"

Don't believe me?....

And if you have ever said any of those things on the *DON'T SAY* list to me before....please know I still love your guts :). I appreciate all  verbal love or support thrown my way. Thank you for thinking I'm cute. Thank you for realizing what I do every day is really, really hard. Thank you for noticing that I get out and have fun rather than succumbing to my bitterness and self-pity by never leaving the house. Thanks for reminding me I'm totally lovable.

And though I deemed it ok to say, thanks for never telling me I'm not married because I stink. Though, if you'd like to get me a gift, I use the Fight Club brand of soap.

Overall, remember that we're still the same people you knew when we were married. We may act a little differently, by necessity, but our hearts are the same. Don't worry, we're not going to steal your husbands (or wives). And although it might be scary for you to consider...our roles could just as easily be flipped. So, just take a minute to think what you would want to hear and say that.

Now, go hug your favorite divorced person. Chances are they could use it :)