if he doesn't chase you when you walk away...and other stupid stuff we girls say

I came across one of those fancy font posters the other day on Pinterest. It read: "If he doesn't chase you when you walk away, keep walking."

I get that sentiment. Pretty sure it was geared towards Bella Swan-esque teenagers (and adults). We all want to be chased. We all want to feel like someone loves us enough never to let us get away.

But at the same time, I thought that poster was really awful. I guess because, if you say you're going to walk away, it means you've given it a lot of thought, you see no other choice, and you should walk away. If not, then you're making empty 'threats', using "I'm going to leave" as manipulation to get your way. If I leave, you reason, then he'll say he was wrong and I was right and I will have won.

Using manipulation and threats is NOT a place you want to get to in a relationship.
It's not a pretty foundation to build on.

I admit it has been hard for me not to want to manipulate some of the relationships I have been in--especially the one with Dr. Yummy. I wanted to somehow MAKE him get back to the same page I was, throw off everything that made him suddenly afraid.

I admit I am terrified that I may never meet someone who feels the same way about me as I feel about them. I mean, I know *he* (guy with all the characteristics I want) exists...I've met him a few times now, but the feelings haven't been mutual, which makes me think two things:

1. There is something terribly wrong with me. But, really? I mean I'm a great mom and friend, spiritual, faithful, genuine, funny, giving, driven, creative, on my way to accomplishing amazing things, and sometimes I'm even adorable in a dorky kind of way. Not perfect, but never claiming to be either. Just...tenacious in my pushing onward towards continual self-improvement. I don't think there's anything wrong with me except that it's a competitive dating field out there, men know it,  and I'm just not pretty/skinny/wealthy/unchildrened enough to flip their skirt. Or the male equivalent. That's scary. Because I can't really change anything physically about myself besides my hair color/style and my weight. The rest would require surgery and I do NOT want (or can't afford :) ) to go there...

or maybe

2. I need to re-adjust just what it is I'm looking for. Give up some of the things I'd hoped to have and look for some new, hidden traits that might turn out to be just what I need. Like arranged marriages that end up lasting for 70 years--sometimes really working to  love unexpected things about people we didn't expect to end up with (but who ARE good people) can produce a truly happy ending. I do have a natural propensity for loving and finding the best in everyone. It's just that, well,

*I only have this one chance to do it all over again. *

And I don't want to mess it up. Settle. Take someone just because I'd rather not be alone. Find myself constantly questioning, what if I'd just held on a little longer...?

Funny that I keep posting about this seemingly never-ending "process" the way I have been lately. I really don't give it as much thought as my blog posts portray. I'm too busy to. But there will be times--when I'm walking by myself and choose to listen to the thoughts in my head rather than get distracted by my phone or shiny things in windows. Or maybe when I'm driving and hear the lyrics to a certain song that grab at my heart and get my mind spinning. Or now. Alone. Editing stuff I've written and unable to shake the lonely feeling.

Well...I take those thoughts here. Purge them. Make sense of them, if I can. I guess tonight isn't the night to make much sense. Just to sit here with this thought that I really would like to be gaga, head-over-heels for someone, and actually have them feel the same about me. I want to exist outside of manipulation and threats and other vicious relationship cycles. I want to just stumble along this journey, laughing, with someone else happy to imperfect but who never stops trying.


Maybe it's years away still. Maybe it's closer than I think. Maybe it's already here. Any way, I'm glad I haven't given up on it, but also glad I'm in a comfortable waiting room: Good magazines. Orchestrated Bee Gee's music. Make-it-yourself hot cocoa. Yeah. I could wait here a while :)