I've been meaning to write y'all a letter for some time now. But as you seemed especially annoying this week, I decided it couldn't wait any longer (plus it was Mama Kat's Writers Workshop prompt, so I'm killing two birds here---even though I would never kill a bird, but anyway....).
You!--Random Braking Woman! You are so going to get me smashing into the back of you one day. Why on earth do you feel the need to begin braking a mile before the stoplight? Or how about when you brake in the middle of the road BEFORE you put on your blinker? Yeah...that's fun. As I am prone to looking on the bright side of things, however, I must admit I am thankful that you help me know that my seatbelts are indeed in working order.
Now you!--2 Guys Driving Side by Side Going 5 Miles Under the Speed Limit and Blocking Both Lanes! I don't like you . Either of you. You made me late to step class and I had to be in the back of the room with all the new girls who tripped over their steps and fell down a lot.
Now the 3 bozos who plague me every where I go: I'm Sort of Paying Attention Dude, I'm Putting on my Make-up Lady, and Look at Me! I'm Driving with my Knees Guy. You are the reason I have Uninsured Motorist Coverage. I could be buying a new pair of shoes every month with that money--but instead I make sure that if you hit my prestigious mini-van, I would be able to get... another one (yaaaay!).
Finally you!--Driving While Texting Boy. Awwww....who am I joking? I can't be mad at you. Sadly--I have become you. And I have discovered that if you time your glancing down to push the buttons JUST RIGHT ( that would be looking down for 1 second, looking up for 2 seconds) it's totally do-able, so text on....
But the rest of you--I hope you have felt my WRATH....ooooooh!
No love,
~Jennifer P.
43 comments:
You forgot "stop at every corner looking down the street because you will recognize the house when you see it geezer". He/she seems to always be in front of me.
But I bet you looked better than ever in step class. PRO!
What about the person at a side street with a stop sign who sits there until I get 10 feet from the intersection, then decides to peel out in front of me, burning rubber, screeching tires as if headed to an emergency room with his wife in labor ---then once he is in front of me drives at 10 mph?
Don't let me get started on the cell phone users.
(Came over from Mama Kat's Workshop) :)
One word: Tailgating.
I absolutely HATE people that do that. It's about the only thing that REALLY gets to me on the road.
syopping by from SITS...love your blog!
Saying hi from SITS!
What streets do you drive on, texting woman? I'm staying clear of you from now on.
Amen, sister! I followed "I ride the brakes because it's dark and rainy lady" last night! Does that make me tailgater lady? Oops!
For sure! But, hey, don't be a texting girlfriend. You will get hurt!
Lisa Q
You are making me laugh, laugh, laugh...except the texting part. Do you feel like you're gonna have all these mamas on your back now....in one second....that's when it happens. :) So stop texting! But who I am to say that when dialing a phone number is no different...so I am stopping to, and making my kids do it.
You are really funny. I can barely text with my tongue out and not driving, let alone while driving....
The one thing that gets me is tailgaiters when I AM doing the speed limit. I'm not getting a ticket for them. I always just take my foot off the gas and let my car coast (and in turn slows down).
Visiting via Mama Kat
my favorite is the smoking/phone talking AND shifting driver---how DO they do it?
and i honk at kids texting---their just being plain stupid (but most teenagers are pretty good at that, aren't they?)
I drive and text. I admit it. I'm a very prolific texter and don't need to look at the screen (Mr. B laughs because sometimes it autofills the wrong words) but yeah... i'm good like that.
I have to admit that if you ride my tail I will become person #2 who will ride side by side the next person. In such instances I feel that God put me on this wonderful earth to teach people like you a lesson in patience. So, your welcome. If you look to your inner zen you might be able to appreciate the lesson I just taught you. Peace be with you and drive on my dear.
You're a texter!?! Oh the shame of it. It's not even LEGAL in our state. And you forgot about the speeding mini van driver...oh wait...that's me.
I think you've just convinced me to never try a step class ;) I've got plenty of others that I know won't make me the laughingstock!
And I'm so with you on the drivers... of course I got the one going 35 in a 55 zone in a two lane road that winds and is hilly on Sunday. Oddly, I was ten minutes late between that and all the stoplights it caused me to hit. Ick!
Thanks so much for stopping by on my SITS day! This has been so much fun, and I really hope you come back to visit again soon!
I totally drive and text too. But IT's soooo dangerous. There have been alot of teens that have died doing that. I know that in the back of my mind ... but I will text anyways. :S Becareful!!
LOL we sort of wrote about the same thing this week.
oh my! I now feel the need to defend myself!---this post was more of a joke than anything. Though I have been known to attempt to send the occasional text while driving down a road no one else is on--I really am more of a "parket at the light, have a second to send a text" texter. I am practically an old lady in the way I drive---so no one needs worry about me or anyone else being in danger :) .
What about the Texting, Cigarette, Person, Driving with his/her knees because both hands are occupied and not to mention they've modded their navigation system to allow them to watch DVDs/TV from the front seat?!? Now THAT is a winner -
One more thing... carpool lanes... what about the person in the carpool lane going slower than the rest of the traffic!!! UUUUGGh - the worst because you're trapped, no way out... not even an emergency lane to go around them or ANYTHING... you're stuck. stuck. STUCK...
Yesterday I drove behind a guy who had taped a paper along the back of his window and in real big letters it said "Put it down and drive". I though it was a good saying except when I passed him I felt bad because I was on the phone!
You are so funny Jennifer! I am so there with you. Some drivers make me crazy. I love that picture of the girl putting her makeup on while driving!
I found the funniest little notecards on etsy that have a picture of the back of a car and underneath it says "You park like a jerk" and you leave it under their windshield. So funny! I blogged about them a few months ago.
Thanks for the laugh!
Jen
OOOO, I feel ya on the two guys side by side driving slow one...that is really annoying.
Enjoyed your letter!
(Came from Mamakat)
Do you think they'll have a special place in hell where bad drivers ahve to suffer with all the other bad drivers and where they have to suffer the tactics they've employed?
How about "Dear Retired Person with no where to be: Please get out of my way so I can go to work! The speed limit is 55, not 15!" Here from Mama Kat
I sometimes put on my lipstick or powder while I'm stopped at a stoplight if I'm running late for work. Sometimes I finish up while I'm getting accelerated. I'm sorry. I'll try not to do this whenever you're around. ;)
AHHHH...lol...a post written so "wittily".
I laughed imagining you stepping around fallen girls in your step class...lol...
That part was my favorite.
I am a mix of "old lady" driver, "let everyone in" at intersections or merges driver, and a bit of a lead foot on the interstate driver (unless there's ice or snow.....ooooooh...too scary, MUST.GO.SLOW).
oh, too funny!! Unfortunately, I have become one of those "text while driving" drivers...bad, bad me!!
Yeah, I get annoyed with texters and people on their phones when I'm driving...for like 10 seconds. Then I have to concede -- I do it too. So I'll let them.
you totally need to come read mine for today! lol
This was so funny (except for the part where you reveal that you have become one of them....!) Though, perhaps I shouldn't be laughing as I might be a Random Braking Woman. I'm always hallucinating animals running in front of the car (especially at night). It drives my husband crazy. I'm like "Oooooooommmygod... a chipmunk just ran in front of the car." SCREEECH. And he says "JESUS FRIGGIN CHRIST WOMAN! That is a damn leaf. You are going to kill us all."
So maybe this isn't so funny after all.
your boys must take the bus because you didn't even mention the school drop off zone! It's not that hard people......advance as much as possible so everyone else's kids can get to school on time! Puh.Lease!
I shouldn't respond. I have such bad road rage....it will turn into a road rant:-) Hee, hee, hee.
I shouldn't respond. I have such bad road rage....it will turn into a road rant:-) Hee, hee, hee.
I made it a rule in my family that we cannot text while drive. This is not a problem for me, but my husband has trouble restraining himself. He is usually doing several things while he drives and I draw the line at texting. Yikes.
Don't forget the gems who drive as fast/as long as they can in a merging lane to cut off the rest of the folks who merged like they were supposed to...grr.
You and Jarom as going to get yourselves killed one day! :) And how about the take your half out of the the middle of both lanes person. arrggghhh....
Wow, I seriously didn't know SO MANY people text while driving! I really only thought young, teenager-type drivers did that!
No wonder they made it illegal in California!
My driving pet peeve is people who enter the freeway going about 25 miles per hour and expect somehow to merge! Come on! SPEED UP!!
I now want a text from you...a driving text...'cause it's LEGAL here, baby!
Hilarious post, Jennifer.
When Joe and I moved to Kentucky, there was a huge ad campaign urging drivers to stop for red lights. It was insane how traffic would keep going even after the light changed!
I probably can't complain too much about drivers when I am driving a vanload full of children while carrying on multiple conversations, passing out snacks, retrieving dropped toys and mediating disputes. But always with seatbelts on!
Oh how I heart you. I couldn't have said this better myself.
This was HILARIOUS! I loved it all...I would add cellphone people who are chatting away and not paying attention to what they are doing...drives me nuts..."drives me nuts" get it...hahahahahha...
ok I better go to bed...
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