life a.d.

*This post is a little longer than usual. It's really just for me. But knowing that often times my experiences and what I've learned from them help others, I'm publishing it anyway. If you want to laugh--move to the next blog. If you want to hear someone think out loud, read on....

a.d. stands for after divorce.

In my mind, there is a very clear difference between my life b.d. and my life a.d.. Differences in the way I parent my children. Differences in the way I spend my free time. Differences in the kinds of things I worry about. Even differences in the kinds of food we eat and the kinds of music we listen to.

When we got married, and later when we had children, Brad and I made some pretty clear promises to one another as to how we would care for each other and how we would bring up our boys. Foremost among those was that we would live by the Christian tenants of our faith, and follow closely the advice given to us by leaders in our church. I am not perfect--I have never claimed to be--but I was always worthy. I kept the promises I made.

Brad didn't.

Only I never knew he didn't. No clue. Ignorant Bliss.

One day I was in a dream marriage, and the next day--in the time it took to have one terrible, horrible conversation--it was over. No months of decay. No years of regret. Just wonderful.... and then terrible... and then over.

I still can't bring myself to speak badly of Brad. He is, by the world's view, a really good guy. Kids of all ages love him. He's helpful and kind and funny and charismatic. If you met him, I can almost guarantee you would like him.

But part of my life a.d. is living with the after-effects of a man, a man who will always be the father of my children, who has decided he doesn't want to live his religion anymore. He still believes it, he still wants it for his kids, but he doesn't want to--or can't--live with any kind of 'restrictions' placed upon him anymore. The boys aren't stupid. They notice, and they wonder, and they bring their questions to me. Here's just one instance--

While I was in California, Brad spent time with the boys in the hot tub. Ethan saw that Brad had a tattoo on his back, one he got after our divorce. ---Now, this isn't me coming down on people with tattoos---all kinds of people I love, including my siblings, have tattoos. I'd even considered getting one myself as a teenager. But although members of my church will not be denied blessings or privileges for having a tattoo, the general advice is that our bodies are sacred and that we shouldn't 'desecrate' them.

Brad knew this.

Our boys knew this.

We taught them this together.

And now they were trying to make sense of seeing Dad tattooed. He told them he was stupid to do it, and that it wasn't cool, and that they shouldn't do it. But--does that EVER work? Saying one thing and doing another? There was a lot of confused crying involved as I tried to explain to them the consequences of our decisions. The inherent danger we all face in being free to choose for ourselves. That as hard as we try to do what is right and not create trials for ourselves, we can still be affected by the wrongs of others. All the while trying to speak in general terms without having them feel I was attacking or putting down their father.

I've already decided not to "doom" my children's futures based on the divorce, but I can't deny that everything is more challenging now. My ally deserted to the other side, or at least to neutral ground. He gave up. He stopped fighting. He changed the rules of the game.

That's life a.d..

I could, and often do, cry and/or silently scream about the whole poopy situation. I feel like the opposition is too heavy. The challenges, too big for me. Then I am still, and brought to remember..... "Fear not: for they that be with us are more than they that be with them. And Elisha prayed, and said, Lord, I pray thee, open his eyes, that he may see. And the Lord opened the eyes of the young man; and he saw: and, behold the mountain was full of horses and chariots of fire round about Elisha" (2 Kings 6:16-17).

If angels guarded Elisha because of his faithfulness, why not me? Why not my innocent boys? Why not in this battle called "daily life" we're in? Some how, some way, if I continue trusting in a Wisdom and Power greater than my own--it will all work out. For all of us. Of that I am certain.

I can't do it alone. But we are never really alone, are we?

Just think about it. And may your eyes be opened to the angels about you this day and always.