I have been thinking a lot about mortality lately. Mostly when I look into the mirror and see these vulnerably soft eyes staring back at me. I think: I could go at any minute.
Maybe it's because people in my family do not seem want for long lives. I have outlived my father by a year now. He was killed in a car accident when he was 33. My mom's mom died when my mother was an infant--slipped into a diabetic coma. Her next mother (a step mother, but the one she always knew as a mother) was hit by a train 40 or so years ago. Another grandmother had a stroke. One grandpa with a heart attack at 50, two that choked to death (we have a lot of second marriages in my family...so I have a large assortment of relatives here). An aunt killed in a rollover accident. My mom dying of cancer. It's still strange, or sad, or whatever adjective you want to insert there, to think that I was more or less an orphan by the time I was 30.
I'm not afraid of dying, mind you. I got over that fear long ago. I know my days are known to God and he isn't going to take me until my purpose on this earth is deemed finished and not a second sooner. And if it's not a quick kind of death I am blessed to have...well, I know He will help me to bear whatever slow, painful thing I'm asked to endure and that that trial is part of my life too. With that faith, I feel free to live my life without fear--or very little of it anyway.
But today...today I just want to feel more alive. I want to walk feeling the pressure in my feet as I move forward--the weight shifting from the heavy ball of my foot, through the arch, and spread across the length and width of my toes. I want to feel my tongue form sounds in my mouth as I speak. I want to feel the square of my knees as I bend to sit. I want to shout "I am alive! I am here! I have another day to learn and grow and become and help! What do you want me to do today God?"And I want to hear the answer. And I want to obey.
As one who feels she is often living on borrowed time--take some advice from me: Kiss your spouse, kiss your kids. Don't go to bed or walk out the door angry. When something about a loved one starts to bother you, think about how you would feel if they weren't there to do that bothersome thing. Throw your arms around the present and don't let fear do anything but motivate you to have more faith.
And that's all I'm going to say about that.
What are you going to do today to show your gratitude for being alive?
18 comments:
Thanks for this post Jennifer. My mom had an operation Monday to remove an ovarian tumor. It was a scary three hours. Cancer is a word I know you know well. Life seems so precious since we found out about my mom's condition. I have been solid as a stinkin' rock... Until today... I'm in jammies still looking at a mess around me and finally feeling the shock of all of this. It's almost like the baby blues, I'll call them the mommy blues :) So to answer your question I think I'll show my gratitude today for my life by getting down on the floor and playing with my kids, make something yummy to eat and share it with them... and with the hubby I think I'll set him up a tee time. xxoo---
I'm going to leave this comment here, then go give all my kids a great big kiss.
Really appreciated this today!
Your mom's mom died when she was an infant? How'd she get to be a mom then?
And then you say "her next mother?" How does she have 2 mothers?
I'm totally confused about that part. The rest of your post was awesome, though.
hopefully I edited the confusion out of there for ya Jon :)
It was very odd for me to turn 25 (many years ago!) and realize that I had lived longer than my own father. I have often had the same thoughts as you, finding it difficult to imagine growing old. As far as what I'm doing to enjoy life today....I spent the day outside at a park with my youngest son. And now I'm taking the kids out for Italian Ices. As soon as they finish their homework, that is.
I'm going to leave work early to spend it with my boys. I'm just grateful to have them with me so much. "And what will be done?" you might ask. None less than visit Disneyland to "appreciate" some of the finer things in life :)
I'm going to hug my kids a little longer than usual. I love to just sit and take in my surroundings; appreciate all that I have. Thanks, my friend:)
That's good advice!
I profess gratitude by not majoring on minor stuff. By overlooking little irritations in myself and others. By loving and enjoying my family each day I breathe.
God did not promise things and stuff, but provision and peace in Him. I try to be grateful for that; the rest is icing on the cake.
Lisa Q
Jennifer, I have these thoughts all of the time.....daily actually!
So, I honestly TRY try with all of my might to LIVE each day as much as I can. I dance with my kids, my husband and I play play play with them...we play music with my husbands knuckles hitting the ceiling fan (odd sounding, but funny), take nature drives all of the time on our golf cart. FUN, is what I try to have all of the time.
Well, as far as "what" I'm going to do to show gratitude?...well, I'll think on that one, I should make it a BIG thing. Awww, yea ...you got me thinking.
love the post girl
Laundry.
But today I'll do it with a happy heart. :)
Yep...got to love every minute of being alive. Otherwise, its wasted!
GOSH Girl!!!!!!!! That's a lot of death right there!!! I haven't been reading blogs much....just facebooking ya know :) But man...coming back over to your place...I've been missing you!!!!!!!! At least I do see you on fb!!!! Oh and I think what I'm going to do today to show my gratitude for being alive...is not complain about alllll these chigger bites :( Could be muuuuuch worse in the great scheme of life, huh!!!! Thanks for keeping me in line :) Love ya girl!!!!
I'm gonna jump out of an airplane. Nothing like a little terminal velocity to show gratitude for being alive!
I really loved this post.- thank you
I'm gonna dance. Either in front of the picture window with the curtains open for all to see or down at the watering hole with a strange woman, but I am gonna dance. I might even sing and laugh and if I get real lucky, love if even for a few seconds.
Thanks CG. It is good to feel alive.
Well said, as always. Thinking of you and wondering what your REALLY HAPPY facebook post is all about! ;)
There it is. What we are here for: Trying to hear the answer. And obey.
It is what my life is made up of right now. I know you know the feeling.
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