Another bittersweet celebration looming: February 26th marks the 3 year anniversary of my mom's death. Though I prefer to celebrate her life on her birthday--or just any day when something reminds me of her--my siblings like to gather together on Feb. 26 at Mom's favorite restaurant and remember her. So, I go along with it.
I feel stupid even talking about being in any kind of pain in that last post of mine, because--for as intense as that was for me--I know it was NOTHING like what I saw my Mom endure in that horrific 6 weeks from the time of her diagnosis until her death.
Because hers was a small cell cancer that popped up everywhere, she had to endure so many procedures just to get her "patched up" enough to leave the hospital and go home to die. She had one of her lungs glued shut. She had all kinds of needles and shunts poked in her. She had radiation treatment that blinded her in one eye. She was in a rapid cycle of hot and cold and sick and hungry and not hungry and unable to sleep and knocked out. And through it all---she kept laughing. She kept welcoming visitors. She never felt sorry for herself. She kept us all calm and comforted.
I remember just sitting by her in her hospital room one day. I had brought her my velcro rollers so she could do her hair. She had them in. I was reading to her. All of a sudden she just said: "I'm not afraid baby girl. I'm not afraid. I feel the other side like butterfly wings on my cheek. I hear whisperings of your dad, and my mom, and my grandparents. I am so excited to see them all again!". I was 5 months pregnant at the time and asked her to take care of my baby for me till he got to the world. She promised to. We cried together and I just hugged her and hugged her. From that time on, I stopped praying for her to be cured---just to let the Lord's will come to pass. I wasn't afraid anymore because she wasn't.
Could I have done what she did? Could I have kept that kind of attitude?
I don't know.
I don't think so.
She was one in a million.
But what an amazing, empowering thing to know that some of her courage and tenacity runs through my veins. ---That I am my mother's daughter. ----
*So, tell me what you love most about your Mom.*
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Just one more installment of this bittersweet stuff---then I promise I'll write nothing but funny stuff next week! These are just memories I'm glad I'm committing to something other than the corners of my mind!
33 comments:
Oh I have tears streaming down my face. Your mom sounds like an amazing woman. BIG HUGS!!!!!!
OOOh, bringing tears to my eyes at 5:20 am!
My mom may not be physically strong. But emotionally, oh my goodness is she a rock. She's been through things that would have ruined some people. But, she just keeps looking to her Lord for strength, He provides it, and she goes on......laughing. When she's really down, she laughs....on purpose, just to get the endorphins going. I love her to death and will miss her when she's in heaven.
She sounds like an amazing mom, Jen.
So happy to know of her -- another hero I get to spend eternity with!!! What an amazing mom you have.
My mom is sweetly generous.
I love that my mom has always been so intuitive. She knows just when I'm hurting, or sad, or need to talk. I love that she can sense when something's wrong or when I just need to talk. And I love that she taught me the most important lessons of my life just by being who she is...a mother.
That story touches me so deeply. You must be so proud to be her daughter, and I am sure she looks down upon you with such intense pride...
Hugs,
Linda
Oh great. I'm seriously crying. I love my mom so badly that even a thought of her not being with me sickens me. My mom and I could have been twins in a different world, in every possible way: looks, personality, everything. She makes up where I lack, and I carry her where she's weak. Hhere we are both strong, we're indestructable.
She lives in another country, but it's like we're together every day since we talk all the time. She's here visiting right now, and your post just made me want to give her the biggest hugest hug I could manage. Thanks, Jennifer!
Your mom and my husband must be kindred spirits. Amazing what we each learned from our loved ones final battle, a beautiful example of grace and peacefulness.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.
You must miss your mother fiercely. It is so recent also. I hope you have a nice dinner with your siblings this week. She'll be there too, I'm sure of it.
p.s. What I love about my mom?
-humor
-her poems
-her whit
-her touch on the piano
-her ability to remember everyone
what were your mom's talents and personality traits?
what your mom said was so inspiring! (even to me---) wow! you have a jewel there watching over you (not exactly where you want her to be, but there nonetheless, eh?)
what i love about my mom?
-her amazing ability to connect with people and make them feel important and needed.
-her organizational skills
-the love she has for all her grandkids
I have the lump in my throat that tells me to cry and let it all out.
Thank you for the story.
I know what you mean about feeling bad when you tell others' how you're feeling or hurting and then realizing that someone else is hurting more. I think it was fine to share your story yesterday, don't feel bad for sharing that.
I actually just wrote a tribute...about a month back...http://ourmagnificentobsession.blogspot.com/2009/01/marmar.html?zx=4ce20c38c7d25365
My sister made sure she read it...and it was SO good for us to cry happy tears over it....not sad tears as if it had been written once she was gone.
What a beautiful thing that you and your mom knew to cherish those last days/months. She was obviously blessed by SO much beauty in her life- namely from you and your family!
It will be 6 years this May that we found out our mother had cancer. By looking at the back of your mother she could pass for my mom!!
I know I have written to you before about your life and what you have been through. Your mother death, your illness and your husband leaving you. Live CHANGING situations but yet you have conquered. You are a VERY strong women.
I am sure there are days when you don't want to be that strong person. You needed someone you can lean on and let them take over a little. I am hoping your "new man" is that person. I pray he is good to you. Perhaps your mother along with God had a hand in that one :o) Still looking out for her sweet daughter.
I believe God has wonderful plans for you and it is your time for some happiness.
The Twins
thank you for sharing such a wonderful memory of you mom. i hope this week goes smoothly for you and your family.
This is so beautiful. I'm not surprised to hear that you came from such an obviously wonderful woman.
My mom died when I was young, but I'll never forget how patient and loving she was with me. She also had an incredible desire to learn and not only finished HS with a baby, but got her nursing degree as a single mom with 3 kids.
I love that my mom knows exactly how to bring comfort to me when I need it most. It is that pure mother instinct that only she can provide in a way that no other can. It is something I miss most about living far away from her.
You are a true survivor Jen. Thinking about you today. HUGS
Every time you post about your mom it makes me sad. I know how much you miss her. Death stinks for those of us left here. And hearing about your rheumatic fever in detail makes my little sinus infection seem like a cake walk. I hope to NEVER get sick like that. Sure helps us remember not to take things for granted, doesn't it. I miss your mom for you and hope that these past few rotten February's will only be a blink in time. The rest of your life is only going to get better. RIght? And even thoough these posts are hard to read and even harder to remember, I'm glad you are writing them down. Your boys will be blessed by these one day.
What a beautiful tribute to your mom.
I'm so sorry for your loss; your mom was obviously a wonderful, amazing woman and you were lucky to be her girl. The things I love most about my mom is her willingness to drop everything and help when you need her, and her devotion to my dad. It is sweet.
Oh I am so sorry I've been missing out on your bittersweet celebration posts :( The new house...auctions at school...ya know, keeps a girl from bloggin' like she wants to :( Annnnyway...I am so sorry for everything your mother endured...and you too. Brian's mother was an amazing fighter of cancer too...I honestly don't know how she (and your Mom) mustered up the strength to go on some days...and never complain :) Oh yea...other than The Lord providing that strength :) I think He just knows when you need a little more...and provides it...along with peace. AMAZING.
Sadly enough...my Mom was not really in to being a mom much when I was growing up...I lived with my grandparents....but I do love my mom soooo very much and she is the best grandma now. I guess I love the fact that she's a better grandmother than mother :) I'm praying for you sweetie :)
I tried to hold it back...and be strong....but I couldn't. I covered my eyes, and cried. Dang. I'm pulled together now....
I can't believe you shared that moment with us. What a humbling, honest, heart wrenching moment. Why, at the same time that I cried, I felt comforted by your mother's strength? Why does that happen? For someone to give up their life, knowing full well where they are going, to gain another....I think that's the comfort from this message.
I guess maybe that's all the comfort we can really get in this life....knowing not to set our hearts on the things of this world, but to focus on where we are all going in the end, and to try keeping the commandments, and having the Holy Ghost with us, to comfort us, and to comfort those around us, letting us all know where we're going in the end.
Oooch, it sure takes something like this to refocus sometimes. Thank you Jennifer....thank you Jennifer's mom...
My mom raise 4 teenagers on a teacher's salary. All 4 of us attended 4 year universities. We had very little, but we had everything. And that's all I have to say about that :)
You don't know me, but I am a huge fan of your blog, and absolutely love your writing. Today's post touched me, not only because you spoke of your mom, but because you showed everyone your pain. Don't get me wrong, I love your funny posts...girl, you are hilarious...but, showing your vulnerability and expressing your love for your mother is beautiful.
I, like you, am the mother of 4 children, in my 30's, and have lost my mother to cancer. She was only 55 and the most amazing woman I have ever met. She was diagnosed with a "true" brain tumor, which is extremely rare. By the time they found it, it was already stage 4. I had 8 months with her before she died, but they had removed a portion of her brain just 1 week after the initial diagnosis. That is when I truly lost my mother. She was never the same after that surgery...how could she be? They took a part of her essence when they took a part of her brain. So...I mourned the loss of my mother before she was physically gone. There's something very wrong with that. It comforts me to know that there are others out there who understand this tremendous loss.
When you write about your mom, it's as if you hear my heart. Thank you so much sharing your heart with all of us.
An avid fan,
Michelle Clarke
I love what your mother said to you. That is one of the most amazing and touching exchanges I have ever heard. She sounds like an incredible woman. I believe that you are as well. I am sure she is so proud of you and the way you have handled this past year. I'm sure she has been with you often.
As far as my mother, she was and is a shining example to me of the mom I want to be. We always came first. She made every day fun. We celebrated holidays and birthdays to the extreme. She is the most festive person I know. As a mom I have been celebrating this way. People comment on it and I'm sure they think I'm crazy but I want my daughter (and future kids) to have those same celebratory moments that I remember. Also, she is strong physically and mentally. she has dealt with my fathers mental illnesses and she runs marathons! I am so blessed to have her in my life.
Hi Jennifer -
I love that you meet at your mom's favorite restaurant. Next month marks the anniversary of my dad's death - 4 years. It's so hard.
My Mom has moved out by my family and it is so great to be able to see her all the time. She has gone through so much since my dad died. She is a strong woman. She is creative, artistic, kind and sweet.
You are a strong and wonderful woman. I am sure your mom is so proud of you!!!
((((hugs))))
Jen
I have 8 siblings and my mother has the talent of making each one of us feel like the only child at times. My mother has been through some tough experiences and she never gives up. She always tells up to pick ourselves up by the boot straps and keep going.
Thank you Jennifer for your beautiful writing. Thank you for sharing your experiences.
Love you.
you are such a good writer Jennifer. i'm really jealous! to answer your question, what i love most about my mom is the fact that she is MY mom...in this world and the next. the day i lose her is the day a portion of me dies too. thanks for sharing...i appreciate it. your faithful friend, JON
Oh, that post made me cry. I cannot imagine the day when I will lose my mother. I love her dearly. She's the kind of lady who will drop anything to help another person whether she knows them or not. She's been so involved in our baby boy's life and helped me so much in the last 9 months that we've grown closer and closer.
I am so sorry for your loss.
What I love most about my mom is that she supports me in whatever I do.
She sounds really wonderful. I am so sorry you have to miss her, but so grateful for the legacy she left you. I cried happy tears reading about her--thank you! and thank you, especially, for the reminder to go hug my mom--my lovely, amazing mom!
Hey -
I haven't stopped for a spell, but was glad to today. I love this post! I haven't lost my Mother, but I have watched her battle brain and breat cancer - and thankfully win. And I love her for it!
But today, what I love her for is that she has let go of a life long problem, a life long hatrid...
and she has chosen to be baptized into our church. How great shall be your joy... doesn't even come close to how great this feels!
Thank you for writing this. What I loved most about my mom was her sense of humor. She died five years ago of a cancer that was first diagnosed when I was twelve years old. My, that was a long haul. But I like to remember how dang funny she was, in fact I just posted about her today: http://tinyurl.com/75h4yg. Have a read, if you dare, dear Jennifer, for she was batty through and through.
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