Some people talk about silver linings, the rainbow at the end of the storm, the rose found amongst the thorns. I agree with all of those. I also like to think that for every mushed-down, head-sweated pillow you flip over-- voila!, fresh, re-fluffed, cold side.
I know my last post was hard to read. It was hard for me to write. I know, once I fully make that choice to stay single, I won't go back. I am one highly committed individual. It's why I've worked out 5 days a week, rain or shine or sick or pregnant, since 1993. It's why I have never broken the habit of daily prayer and scripture study since I was a teenager. It's why I homeschooled my kids for seven years until I absolutely couldn't do it anymore after the divorce.It's how I managed to stay married (happily, even) for 13 years to a man who obviously didn't love me as more than a 'buddy he had kids with'. It's why I've written this blog for four and half years now. If I make up my mind to do something, and lay out the plan to do it...I do it. Period.
Scary to think about making that commitment because if I do--I will do it. And with it comes the fear I'll turn into the cat lady with the long, grizzly, silver-streaked hair who wears tennis shoes with everything and stands way too close to you in the elevator, and her kids are all afraid to leave home because she so obviously NEEDS them. I have seen that woman before. I don't think she meant to become like that. So, I'm kind of teetering right on the edge of that choice now, trying to picture a different, not-cat lady that could emerge from such an experience.
Anyway...
My main reason for writing this is for two people (who probably represent more of you.) First, is a commenter and new reader going by the name "Me." She's newly divorced and, frankly, my last post scared the bejeebers out of her. So, Me...keep reading my blog, and go back and read some of the old stuff. Yes, single life sucks but it also has its moments of totally rocking. My situation is mine, determined by the choices I have and haven't made. I have had to start my new life completely from scratch. I am always in a constant battle with my heart and mind--my heart saying everything is right, and my head that says none of it is. Hopefully, Me, you're a little more balanced in that department and you'll do just fine. Also, I have oodles of divorced friends who have very happily remarried, blended homes and families, figured out finances and how to make it all work, and are even having new babies. If that's what you want, there is hope. There is always hope.
Secondly, it's for my friend, Mr. Perfect, whom I've stayed in touch with off and on over the last few months, who says it wasn't very nice of me to make people cry :). He didn't want to see me being the melancholy single mom martyr. He suggested a different letter for me to write to Future Husband, and it's so awesome, I'm leaving it just as he wrote it:
Dear Future Husband,
You're rad! Plus, I thank you for honoring your priesthood, being the best righteous stepdad ever (the boys adore you), bringing home sooo much bacon and making out with me so unselfishly. You are really hot and I'm glad at my age to have you keeping me cozy all night. Love to love you, baby.
You loving wife in the not too distant future named Jennifer.
---
Perfect, right?! I especially like the bacon part. Except that I hope it's ACTUAL bacon and not the slang for money kind :)
So....there you go. A little cold side of the pillow. Melancholy isn't my style. I don't deny when I'm feeling it, which sadly has been too often lately, but I'm committed to not letting my circumstances deter my plan for happiness.
I'm not really sure what it is I'm walking towards anymore. Limited in where I can go to chase my dream of being a writer. Really in need of employment. Whatever it is, it feels very, very far away and difficult to traverse with four children in tow....but I'm still walking. And that is for sure the important part.
6 comments:
I tell you what! If I was 35, Mormon, rich, had more self-esteem, and had pockets stuffed full of crispy bacon, I'd totally date you.
Oh, and also if I weren't married.
But in all seriousness, I get it. When I got divorced, I thought it would be impossible to find a woman who wanted to be with me AND my kids. It's a commitment most people are terrified to make. And Dani was scared to make it, but she did anyway. The kids love her as much as I do and it feels like she's been here all along.
If you decide that you're still on the market, you'll find who you're looking for. You're way too incredible not to. (Srsly, you take on more challenges than anyone I've ever met, you succeed in all of them, and you keep a damn fashionable home) The underlying truth here is that men are cowards. We're too busy being strong and fixing everything to understand that real strength is being a great father and husband.
I'm rambling now. Bottom line: keep your chin up, kid. You've always been a fighter, no reason to stop now.
OMG, I wear sneakers with everything!! Of course, that is because I work in a school and am on my feet most of the day LOL.
I am one cat on my way to being a crazy cat lady LOL
Oh, Jennifer. I hadn't gotten to read the husband letter until tonight and I'm so sorry things seem to have come to an end.
Here's a silly thing: when I was single, I always thought I would marry a widower with kids. I think I knew I couldn't have kids and that would be the way God would give them to me. Maybe there's a man out there looking for a woman with four boys to love, and if there is, I'm sure God will find a way to send him to you in the right time.
I know you're sad. I'm sad too. It's been a down couple of weeks. But I agree with you that taking each step down the road helps us heal and move on.
If the right man comes along- break the commitment! really- just break it! You never know- 13 years is a long time and you have so much to offer, on your own, besides 4 wonderful boys!
I quoted you! your quotable! to see go here: http://inspirationfromthepen.blogspot.com/2011/10/my-plan-for-happiness.html
The google pic, I picked- didn't really work, but It's cute. Maybe I can fix it.
Oh Jennifer... I'm so sorry you are feeling heartache (My response is actually to this post and the previous one). Break-ups are HARD and you seem like a very deeply-feeling, romantic, and expressive person.
I am coming from a very similar place as you (single-mom, LDS, thirty-something, creative soul who wants to be loved and cherished for who and all that I am), so I hope you don't think me presumptuous for giving my two cents in a way that I hope will comfort you...
Remember, that although things are hard now and your heart is breaking - You will get to a point when you no longer feel this way. The void that you so strongly sense now - won't seem so dark and black and overwhelming.
If you take the time now to allow yourself to heal properly, you will find yourself stronger, healthier, and happier for this experience. I don't mean resign from dating for the next 13 years... just for a time. Take some time and don't seek attention from men. Don't try to fill that sad, dark place with hope through the possibility of someone else (whether a PAST romantic interest or a NEW one). Instead fill it with hope of the possiblity of YOU. I submit that you write a new letter... to YOURSELF. I love this quote by President Monson: "Destruction allows us to rebuild our lives in the way He teaches us, and to become something different than we were."
You are a wonderful, unique, gifted, and beautiful woman and you always will be. When the time comes, you will have EVERY blessing. I believe it. You do, too. But, as I said before - break-ups are HARD. Keep your head up, sista!
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