what do you say when you don't know what to say?

My boys have been asking a lot of questions about Dr. Yummy's whereabouts lately. I knew they would. They'd grown as anticipating of and accustomed to his daily presence in our life as I had. Within the last two hours, three of the four have come to me at separate times, wondering if he was coming to the pumpkin patch with us tonight. Even our cat was used to being fed by him. My first inclination was just to brush my kids questions off, say he was busy or that he'd moved or something. But, they're smarter than that. I'm pretty sure they've felt the heaviness in my smile over the last few days. Caught me crying in my room before I had the chance to wipe the tears away and smile fast enough.

But my oh my, what baggage from my past this situation dredges up.

My dad died when I was 4, and my mom didn't remarry again until I was 23. But she did date off and on. I can recall six or seven men whom she dated seriously enough that they became part of our lives. She never had them sleeping over or anything--in fact, she was always (like I am) very discreet in her physical affections towards "boyfriends", but we knew that they were important to her somehow.

At first, I liked it. I wanted to have a step dad. I embraced them enthusiastically, wanted to spend time with them. But, over the years, and due to many factors (not excluding teenager-y self-centeredness), I learned to hate these men. Learned that they weren't worth the emotional investment,they'd probably not stick around longer than a year, that at least a few times they left due to my brother and I and the responsibilities that came with taking on another woman's children. And that, when they would *disappear*, my mom would be very sad. I didn't like people making my mom sad.

I can remember so vividly my grandmother and other adults talking to me about how wonderful it was that my mom had ___________ (fill in the name) in her life. "Don't you WANT your mom to be happy?" they'd ask.

And yeah, I did. Surely. But I didn't get it. Why couldn't she just be happy with us, her kids? Why weren't we enough? We weren't going to go away. We had fun with her.

Of course, now I get it. How happy my mom WAS with just us, how content she was in her life and with her hobbies, but that there is a difference in the type of happiness you derive from your children vs. the type of happiness you get from being in a committed, romantic relationship that ideally leads to marriage. How there are so many things you don't want to burden your children with, or that they wouldn't grasp,but that you need to share with another person who loves you  no matter what. How a hug from a child warms your heart, but a hug from your husband can let you just be weak for a while, or set your body tingling. God put the divine longing for companionship in the soul of every man and woman, then commanded them to go out and "cleave unto (one another)" THEN to "multiply and replenish."  Though they can share certain heavenly characteristics, they are two different things--love for a spouse and love for children. Passion vs. affection.

Most of all, as a child, I just wanted someone to speak the truth to me. Maybe they did and I just didn't understand, but it always felt like everything was getting sugar-coated somehow. Like they didn't think I  could sit with the truth when I think I could have. When sometimes what I guessed was going on was much worse than it actually was and it would have been nice to know.

So, I'm trying to figure out what to tell my kids. *I want them to understand the divine longing I do have in my  heart to one day, some day,  marry again, and how that takes looking and testing, and not settling for just anyone.

*I want them to know that I take whom I introduce them to very seriously. That I really thought each and every one of these men thus far had potential to be "the one."

*That (and this I know for a fact) the ones I have chosen to date exclusively have loved my kids very much--or at least found them delightful, even if they were uncertain as to how to function as a step parent.

*I want to explain why it's hard to maintain the same type of friendship with someone after you have been more than friends, and why it is that these men can't come to visit the way they did before. But to acknowledge that I know how much the boys miss them.

* I want them to understand that they, my boys, are the focus of my life and my first priorities, and that dating, while important, has never taken precedence over them. But that I also need to interact with adults on a regular basis, too--to go to my writers groups or out to dinner with friends.

*How I would never have chosen this life for us--that I wish it could have stayed just me and their dad and none of this to deal with--but that I'm doing the best I can and following the direction I receive humbly in prayer. And that we can all still live awesome lives.

Is that too much for children? Too many details they might rather not be told?

*And I guess the big question is...do I tell them I don't plan on dating anymore until they're grown? Because no one holds you to your word like kids do, so I don't want to say it unless I mean it. And it might be a good thing--when things get rough down the road and I'm feeling terribly lonely again, I can just remind myself that this was a CHOICE I made. Like a nun. No backing out of it. And shrug it off, shut down, and keep plugging forward.

But honestly...oh, what a hard thing to picture living for years and years and years a shrugged off, shut down, plug-y kind of life, void of human intimacy. Is it the best thing? Ugh. What a mess.

I made Dr. Yummy very aware from the beginning how frightened I was to get serious with him, knowing it was more than likely my last run at trying a serious relationship. But that I thought he was totally worth it. And he was. In the end though, it was easier for him to leave, not risking much, because it was obviously not his last run. He thinks he can do better. That hurts. And these are a lot of questions with no answers...

I guess for now I just inch along in the direction I feel most inspired to go and see what happens. Open my mouth and see what comes out. Does anyone know where I can purchase a "just make it all better" kit? If so, I'll take five of them. I could use one, too.