I liked that last letter I wrote to you much more. You know, the one I wrote when I was certain you still existed. When I thought I had found you and then thought it again...and again. But I see now, that life is just too complicated being divorced, with children, at 36. It's too full of wisdom for us to be. I looked at my boys the other day and wondered when on earth they'd gotten so big?! I realized how, unknowingly, so much of my time, emotion, thoughts, and energies had gone into trying to find you, that 3 1/2 years had zoomed by. I thought you would complete us as a family again. I thought you would fall in love with my almost perfect boys and find them as absolutely amazing as I do. But, all the men I've thought might be you thus far have been afraid of stepping in to join our family. And I get that. I'm glad you told me. I would be miserable if the man I thought I loved didn't love my boys. We're a set, the five of us, a darn good one, too. But I know it's a lot. I've known that all along.
So, Future Husband, I'm going to have to ask you to wait for a while. Probably a long while. Like, my youngest is 5, so 13 years type of while. I need to give all of me to them. It's an answer I've felt looming inside me almost since the beginning but haven't wanted to accept. I hope I can find the emotional, spiritual, physical strength to do it...that's where you were supposed to come in, you know--the part where you become that source of joy and fresh strength and perspective, that trusted second hand, that manly example I so needed. But, I've managed to do it, just God and I, this far and I guess we'll figure out how to keep doing it. Improv-ing and improving.
I hope I'm still attractive enough in 13 years. I hope I still have enough spunk left in me to have some fun with you. I hope I haven't closed myself off too much to let you in when the time is right.
But, for now, I have to forget the picture of you hunched over a jewelry case somewhere, wondering what ring you should pick. I'm going to have to forget the image of you coming home every night, and me being so excited that I run out to hug you while you're still in the driveway. I'm going to have to stop seeing you standing in a card aisle helping my kids pick out a Mothers Day card, or standing by the flower bins at the grocery store trying to remember if it was lilies or tulips I liked (it's both, by the way). No more thoughts of you and your too-small hipster t-shirt and goofy hat and gazes across the room meant just for me. And once I've forgotten all those images, I have to forget what it feels like to be held. The warmth and security of it. Or that dizzy feeling I get when I get kissed just right. I will need to forget how helpful it is to have someone listening to my silly dilemmas, someone on my side even if they don't agree. I will be ok buying my own Christmas and Birthday gifts. I will keep scratching my own back. I will wear socks to keep my toes warm in bed.
Don't you know you could have made all the difference in not one, but FIVE lives? Why didn't you believe I really am as good as I seem? Why didn't you believe my kids could really love and accept you? My Z needs someone who can throw the football better than I can. My E needs someone to watch his magic shows. My L needs someone who likes math and Legos. My J needs someone to wrestle around with and burn off some of his boundless energy. We all needed some extra spiritual bolstering you were capable of giving. Why didn't you believe that, had you just loved me, just given me a chance, there's nothing I wouldn't have done to make sure we built a strong, joyous, healthy marriage where we got most stuff figured out?
But, even more than I want you, Future Husband, I want God's will done in my life...and it just doesn't seem to be His will that we be together yet. I wish I could keep waiting and hoping and dating and seeing...but I just can't. My poor heart can't take it anymore. I can't live with the yearning of finally finding someone worthy to be you, only to have it not work--either right away or (worse yet) after I've fallen deeply in love with you. My boys, they can't take good men like you coming in and out of their lives anymore, either. I swore I wouldn't be "that" woman doing "that" to my kids...and I won't be.
I won't.
So, keep working and growing and increasing your cache of cheesy jokes, Future Husband, and, if you're out there wondering where on earth I am, too...and you're willing to wait for me....we'll find each other one day. I promise. And we'll understand perfectly why it all had to work the way it did.
With all my heart,
~Jennifer
11 comments:
In some ways I think this is one of your saddest posts, but there's a lot of truth there. We're also on the 13 year plan. My baby turns six this month, so theoretically...it could be closer to 12 years... but still.
It's hard to be totally present for your (my) family while dealing with the dating thing. The hardest times aren't when the actual dating is occuring. It's when you're wondering if this is actually going to happen, and then dealing with the aftermath when things don't end in happily ever after. Even when everything is cordial and friendly... it is sooo hard to be totally present in your hours with your children.
I worry that as the years go by I will become too independent to ever live with a man again. Before, I loved having a head of household. Now I AM the head of household. I hated it when I realized that ALL the responsibility is mine- but I don't see ever being able to share that responsibility with someone else.
My husband was my first loyalty and my first priority. No other man can claim that top spot until my children are grown. I just can't place some other man above the kids- Dave could be my #1 priority BECAUSE I knew that he valued and cared for the kids like I do. How will any other man ever have that immediate, unwavering loyalty that they received from their own father?
Dating is hard. It's fun, but it's hard. I sooo badly do not want to totally give up... but I've reached a point where what you wrote is so very true. It's taking years to come to terms with the possibility that Mr. Right probably isn't coming into my life until my current responsibilities are completed.
(hugs) You are a beautiful, capable, accomplished, FUNNY woman. In thirteen years you will have aged into someone even more spectacular than you are now :-) Want to bet that the right guy is busy meeting his own responsibilities right now and just praying that someone as fabulous as you walks into his life when he has time to really SEE you?
Oh Jennifer....I'm sorry.
I agree, this is sad but it also shows what an awesome person and mother you are. I wish you all the happiness you desire, because you deserve it.
Just know that lots of hearts - even people like me who just love your blog and don't know you for real - ARE with you. Don't give up.
{ hug }
Many blessings are in store for you, Jennifer.
I am 13 days away from my divorce being final. I am 32 and have 3 kids 11, 9, 3. My friend (another divorced mom) gave me your blog to look at today. I have only read this one post (and plan to read more) and it makes me so sad and is so disheartening. Is this my fate too? I am sad for you, and sad for me, and sad for every other single mom who just wants a partner in life. Thy will be done, but I hope we all find someone when we least expect it.
I believe the right person will come into your life when you least expect it. Maybe now that you have decided to focus on family, the right man will cross your path and fill your heart with love again. I think that after a divorce (at least after mine) you go through a process of grief and only when your heart has completely healed can you truly love someone again and wlecome them into your world. I wish you lots of luck! I also think that focusing on your boys and enjoying life will give you lots of great stroies to share with your future husband when he does come your way.
As always Jennifer, I so appreciate your raw honesty.
Thinking of this from another side, I guess I am willing to say that I wish my mom would have been strong enough to decide something like this. I had "that" mom, who for whatever reasons and needs had a lot of different men (formally and informally) involved in our family growing up. It was tumultuous and confusing....and generally didn't end well. As a kid and teenager I got attached to some of those guys just as my mom did & spent way too much time pondering why it didn't work out--when all I really needed to think about was the usual teenage emotional angst and homework.
I agree with so many others who have and haven't commented that you are an amazing woman, created just as God wanted you....and that I pray and hope that you are given in due time all the desires of your heart!
Lots of love,
Anne M.
As the single mother of a four year old I found this simultaneously comforting and terrifying. I keep convincing myself that these types of thoughts are just me being "me" but maybe that's not it. Maybe it's just the destiny of single moms. The women who love our sons as the best men in our lives--love them so much that no other man could ever be first in our hearts as long as our boys need us. I guess my biggest fear that, being on the 14 year plan myself, by the time I approach dating again I'll be too closed off and independent to ever let anyone back in. I've been trying to get back into blogging but haven't found the motivation but I think you may have just been my inspiration. Thank you. And good luck.
Jen,
This certainly sounds as if Dr. Yummy is no long a contender in your life. Is this the deal?
If so, Im sorry for you, but as you know all things happen for a reason. God less you doll.
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