how to proceed

I just have to say how thankful I am for the kind comments and advice I've received on my last two posts. Do you know how much I LOVE advice? Seriously. I am an ardent collector of other people's wisdom, and (generally) that's where advice comes from--wisdom from experience, given because someone cares. And my readers don't give it flippantly, so I really pay attention to what y'all have to say when you say it.

It doesn't mean I will always take said advice, but I WILL listen, consider it carefully, and use it to shape and/or re-shape my plans.

And I am always a woman with a plan....

Or a vague outline of one. Some direction to walk. A prayerfully-made outline.

What I've got now is a bit of all of those cobbled together. This is how I'm planning on proceeding with the next small chunk of my life:

1. Continue in my spiritual growth. These big life swings, especially so close together, REALLY test my faith. They make me question God and his nature. But there can't be testimony without test...so I'm going to trust that I do indeed and always matter to Him, and that He is completely aware of where I am and what I'm going through, and He's going to show me what to do to 'level up.'
 
2. Continue in my efforts to get the type of job I know I am qualified for and would rock. Of course if things get bad enough, I wouldn't be above working at the Wal Mart or the mall, but my resume is too strong, my education too solid not to fight to do something that would be a better match for my family's needs, have some possibility for promotion, and a level of creative flexibility. I have been wise enough with my money that I am blessed to have a little more time to get things figured out.

3. MFA applications. If I end up with a good job, I may not be able to take the acceptance even if (when?) I get it, but the process of refining and perfecting my fiction and poetry in order to submit a portfolio will only strengthen me. I would LOVE to be able to dedicate my life to the craft, and to the teaching of it--and I need an MFA or PhD to do that. But if that's not how it can go right now, it doesn't mean I won't continue to write and edit and share and improve the way I am. The city I live in is an AWESOME place to be a writer--lots of support and opportunities. Of course, Southern California is also an awesome place to go get an MFA, so, yeah...sounds like I'd win either way.

4. Dating. I have gone long periods of time not dating--letting myself heal or focus attention elsewhere. In fact, I'd just gotten off of one of those in late spring/ early summer (partially forced by the insanity of my school schedule, and also by getting over ten months of dating Ninja that ended in a pittering of smoke and rubble.)

I had reached a point where I felt ready again, in fact not just ready but like it was time to introduce the fabulous, fresh me to the world again. That's why it made everything so hard this last few weeks. But, I do know how to live focusing on my family and myself, with a more distant focus on the *hopeful* . I don't picture my life without men in it--some of my best friends have been and are men, and my boys need good male examples around. I have always felt more comfortable around men, too. But it is one thing to have a friendship with a man, even a close and bonded one, and another to seek attention in a romantic way.

So, I will keep a distinction between the two until the time is right. I also have close friendships with women which I will certainly continue to develop, deepen, and rely on. Things will get balanced out again and we'll see what happens, including with Dr. Yummy and  me given a little more time. I really do feel good, confident, at peace (mostly) with whatever happens and when. Whether in 6 months or 13 years....I know I am a great catch and someone is going to be awfully lucky to catch me :)

5.Finally, I will keep swinging from moment of joy to moment of joy, like monkey bars over a crocodile-infested pond. In the words of one of my mentors, the poet Fanny Howe,
What is a poet if not someone who lays on the ground and laughs? And listens. And receives without expectation?

That's me. For sure.

I wanted to share one more quick thing. This picture:

This is of my hand, eating a snow cone :). If you look closely at my middle finger, you can see the scar from the cut I got almost 3 years ago. It happened when I nicked a sharp corner of the metal toilet paper holder in a campus bathroom. I remember I had to go back to my Poetry class with a big wad of paper towels wrapped around it, and how it kept bleeding and bleeding. My professor, who would also become a friend, laughed and called me a bleeder. So, now I refer to it not as my "toilet paper scar" but as my "Poetry scar." It's much more glamorous that way, and serves as a reminder, every time I look at my hand, what it is I'm working towards. A chance to change the world, even just a bit, with my words.

And that is how this whole part of my life can continue to serve as well...as perhaps an un-asked-for and unfortunate scar, but one that can continue to motivate, and  remind me of just what I've endured..not perfectly, but pretty darn well.