meaningful

This last Monday, my 12 year old asked if he could teach the lesson for family night. He said he had something that he wanted us all to watch. Of course I said yes. And he chose...

Veggie Tale's "It's a Meaningful Life."

My kids have watched Veggie Tales for the last thirteen years, and the minute that opening theme song starts, a feeling of innocence and peace always spreads through our home. But, I admit, it had been a while since I'd sat and watched with them. Our joint TV watching as of late has gravitated towards AFV and episodes of Top Gear. So, it was nice to be all snuggled together and listening to something positive.


And what a perceptive child E is to have chosen that particular movie...because it was exactly what I needed to hear.

In it, a cucumber named Stewart spends much of his adulthood wondering how much better his life would be if he'd just made a winning football catch 15 years before. He wonders so much that he ends up earning a ticket to the "what if" train, which takes him to see just how different things would be had events in his life gone differently. Based on a Wonderful Life, you can probably guess how it all ended :)

Although I try not to, I do find myself frequently asking WHAT IF?. "What if this or that were different?"  What if my mom hadn't died? What if I hadn't divorced? What if I hadn't broke things off with Haute Cakes? (who's engaged, by the way) What if we hadn't bought this house? What if we hadn't left the farm and moved to the city?  What if I hadn't accepted my husband's proposal in the first place and instead moved to Germany like I'd planned? It's a dangerous path to set down on because you know what...

I have no doubt that I have lived my life, every day, in the very best way I've known how. I have always believed the best of people. Served, smiled, sacrificed. Laughed. Learned. I have tried my hardest to right any wrong and mend any hurt feelings. If I've fallen, I've gotten right back up. I have followed God when it was easy. And when it was hard.

And because of those things, how can I doubt that I'm anywhere but exactly where He wants me to be right now?

I don't understand why I'm here. It's not a fun place. He sure has heaped a hefty share of trials on me. But there really is a purpose in all of it. And if I don't kick too hard against the pricks--I'm pretty sure I'll find out the reasons soon enough.

I also know that while I  have moments where I feel pretty loser-ish in the circumstances I'm in, my life is still meaningful. I make the world a better place by being in it. I share the talents I have. I am needed and I am loved. Most people like me (gosh darn it! :) ).

It's ok for me to get discouraged, and self-pity-ing, and angry, and impatient, and hurt. All of that is part of being human. But it's not ok for me to get so immersed in those things that I lose sight of the purpose of my life. That I stop looking back with pride or forward with hope.

And the day after watching the movie, I woke up and  calmly told myself it was time to get out of this funk. Stop crying. Get up and do my determined, don't-mess-with-me thing. To go on my favorite hike to the place I always gain a little clarity. To go do some volunteering at the VA and get a little real perspective on what is most important in life. Then to stop just submitting aplications via the computer, and instead put on something nice and go down and actually talk to some of these places I want to work, try a little Jennifer P. charm. Then, because I'd eaten close to nothing in the last 3 days, to come home and have a piece of pie. And write.

The result?: I start work November 1 doing (amongst other things) PR/Marketing work for a great brokerage firm and some writing-based stuff as a bonus. It's only part time for now, but those of you who know me know all I need is a start and I'll make something bigger of it. I'll figure out how to make it work.

For now, I'm holding to this..and closing my eyes against everything else.