the hardest post

So I read a great little story the other day called "The Parable of the Divers". It was about a group of young teenage boys who were part of a diving club. During diving competitions, nearly all of the boys would do swan dives or jack knifes with their toes pointed and their legs together, spilling into the water in a silent point--practically perfect dives. There was one boy, however, who was from "the wrong side of town". He didn't even have his own swimming pool to practice in at home. But he would dive with near reckless abandon. Instead of of jack knifes and swan dives, this kid would try back flips and half somersaults. He would usually end up forgetting to point his toes and just splash into the water in some unbecoming heap. And yet he seemed to win nearly every competition. Finally, one of the perfect diving boys went and had a word with one of the judges: "Why does this boy continue to win? Our dives are clearly better!". The judge's reply was simple "degree of difficulty". You see, that boy got something equivalent to extra credit just because what he attempted was harder.

I'm sure you're wondering what all this is about.

I have shared just about everything on this blog with you guys over the past 6 1/2 months. I have never tried to pretend to be someone I wasn't. I really am a genuinely happy person who loves her family with all her heart, and who is always looking to find the good in every person and every situation. And yet, it seems over the past few years, the "degree of difficulty" in my life continues to go up and up, to the point that I wonder what the purpose could possibly be for all that is being put on my plate. Why, in trying so hard to be good, do bad things continue to happen to me?

I am currently in the midst of a divorce.

I love my husband deeply. He has always shown me tenderness, service, and kindness. I have meant every word I have typed about him. He has been my hero and my best friend. And I have always thought we were committed to facing this life hand in hand forever and ever and no matter what. I have learned over the past two weeks, however, that I am actually kind of alone on that journey for the time being. A marriage can't be something achieved by just one party. I don't really want to reveal any more about the situation than that, just to say that it is complicated, and that it is nearly ripping me apart. I have so many questions about what went wrong for Brad and where. Even my eternal flame of optimism is having a hard time getting through. This is not what I wanted. This is not how I wanted to see my 'happily every after' end. These are not difficulties I want to have to put upon my precious boys. And yet I am powerless to stop it because it is not a decision I get to make by myself.

So, there I am. I hope you will still accept me even though I'm not exactly one and the same with all of you anymore. Sadly, I often looked at women who were divorced and thought: "She just must not have tried hard enough. She must not have put his needs before her own." I am so sorry those thoughts ever entered my head, because I DID try my hardest every day. And I DID always do everything in my power to make my husband happy. And--again--here I am.

I may take a few days off from blogging to catch my breath, writing about this has made it all that more real for me--but when I do come back--I will probably continue to do posts about flowers and my kids and painting my laundry room. All those things are still a part of me too. I think it will feel good to have an outlet to write about those things in my life that are still happy. And as always--any prayers or positive thoughts thrown in my direction are forever appreciated. Somehow, with the mighty power of my Father and my Savior on my side, I will endure this. I have so much faith that God will never give me more than I can handle--and somewhere, at some time, I'll get that extra credit for "degree of difficulty" too.

Thanks for listening.
~Jennifer