for T-- who forgot....

Alrighty--this is a first. This unsolicited post is up here for one particular person (though any of you feel free to say something, 'cause I still loves me some comments ;)!)----- I had an old boyfriend I haven't heard from in 14 years call up tonight and offer his condolences on my divorce. He is a happily married old boyfriend--so don't get the wrong impression! But we ended up talking for a while, and he said that he had been in a rough place in life during the few months we dated, and that he had blocked a lot of 'us' out along with the difficult memories. He felt bad. He felt like he should remember more. How is that I can remember:

I met you at a young adult dance on a Saturday night. I was quite enamoured. You had gorgeous icy blue eyes, perfect hair, and a great smile. And you were 5 years older. Nothing like an 'older man' to get a young girl's heart racing! You said you'd call me sometime. I couldn't wait. I showed up at your church the next day, claiming it to be a coincidence. You sat next to me and made me laugh the whole time by showing me how funny hymns can be when you add "in the tub" at the end of every line. A few days later you took me out to Mexican food for my birthday. I have a record of this entire date because I was really into carrying my video camera around with me everywhere I went. At some point, you took the camera away from me and did the rest of the recording. You were paying your little sister (Tanya?) to clean your basement apartment at the time. She had organized all your remote controls and hung your belts up on the wall. And there's a lot of your mom on there, by the way--that might be a little bittersweet, but if you ever want to see it, I can find a way to get you a copy.

It seems like most of our dates were in the middle of the night-- driving around while you did your insanely long paper route. It made for interesting, sleep-deprived conversation! You talked a lot, and I always liked that. And sometimes you bought me little powdered donuts from the gas station to eat as the sun came up.

The night before I left for Germany, we stood in your quiet, moonlit living room and you held my face between your hands and told me that I had the most beautiful eyes you'd ever seen. Not just their color, but their shape too (girls remember compliments like that!) and you begged me not to go. You said you wanted me to stay right there with you. I went all googly- kneed for sure--but I flew off to Europe anyway. You had given me a picture of you in your Irish paddy suit holding an umbrella, and I hung it up on the wall of my house in Germany and stared at it every day. I was a big Erasure fan then, and somehow made the "Take a Chance on Me" remake 'our song'. And listened to it...a LOT! I found a great U2 poster for you while in Switzerland, and hauled that thing all over western Europe before I came home 6 weeks later.

I remember being really excited to see you again. I came to your house and brought you your poster all framed up. You seemed to like it. And then I go blank......

I'm not really sure how we ended up parting ways. I had a kind-of boyfriend away on a mission who was coming home in a matter of weeks--I think that's what did it. I remember you standing outside of my car and asking "so am I out of the picture then?". And I not knowing what to say because I was 18 and stupid and in love with being in love. Then I saw you with some other girl at the next dance and figured that was both our answers.

I thought a lot about you my first semester up at college. When I came to visit you at the Woodshed to borrow music, it was really my way of saying: "hey, I'm still here and available"--but I guess you didn't get the clue....or didn't care. I ran into you one more time. It was nearly a year later-- summer of '94. I don't remember why, but you were at my home ward. I was struggling with an eating disorder and had starved myself out of like 45 pounds. You came up to talk to me and went on and on about how great I looked. You asked me what I was doing later on. By then I was only days away from being engaged and told you so. You looked kind of sad, but that was probably just me having my "look what you missed out on" moment ;).

Once I had made up my mind to marry Brad, I never looked back. But up until then, you were always one that I wondered if I shouldn't have fought a little harder to keep. I am absolutely thrilled, though, that you have such a happy marriage and family now. That you've gone on to a profession that so fits you. That you're content in your skin and with your life. Thank you, thank you for calling me and reminding me that I wasn't then, nor am I now, all that bad. And for the encouragement to cling to my faith. It was very appreciated. It even just about makes up for the fact that I remember ALL of the above, and you only remember my voice and a Pizza Hut :)!

Best to you.

*and to my readers: if any of you are interested, go read this and see if you can figure out which one he was....Sad to think that I wrote the post just days before my husband left me. Like I've said before--I was TOTALLY not expecting it!!!