and they knew it was much more than a hunch...step parenting advice from a novice

I was asked recently to do a guest post for the Paranoid Stay at Home Mom blog about blending families and step parenting. Since I'm less than three months into the process, I didn't know how useful I'd be but I was surprised at how much I've already figured out. And how much I still have to learn.

Here's a link to my post:
http://paranoidstayathomemom.blogspot.com/2013/02/and-they-knew-it-was-much-more-than.html

Thanks for reading :)

not my dime, mister

I read a story the other day about an American living in Africa who felt divinely prompted to help a young boy he saw crying on the side of the road. Turns out the 10 year old boy was an orphan who sold dried fish for his caretaker in exchange for a bed and a meal. That day, the little boy discovered a hole in his pocket and realized he had lost all the money he'd made. He knew, as did the American, that the caretaker would call him a liar, beat him, and likely cast him out onto the streets. It was an amount of money easily replaced by the American (who did just that), but had he not come along, the little boy would have lost what small amount of comfort and protection  he had over the equivalent of a few dimes.

And it's not just Africa. I recently did some study into the fates of 'dustbowl children'--those children simply abandoned by their destitute parents during the Great Depression and all the prejudices that popped up, especially in neighboring states, against "dirty Okies." It wasn't the hardworking Oklahoma farmers fault that the land decided to dry up and leave them without a source of making a living but they, and their children, still had to live with the harsh consequences.

I have learned, in my long 37 years, that money, and especially lack of it, makes people mean. Reduces them to a more savage nature. Makes them hurt even, and maybe especially, children. Whereas in our society money represents security, food, shelter, and a form of protection to live another day, we get almost territorial when we feel threatened that another might be taking it away.

In fact, beyond the first year of my divorce when everything still hurt, the only heated disagreements Brad and I have ever had have been over money. Child support, alimony, tax claims, medical expenses, funds needed to keep four kids and their home afloat. It makes me feel like a mother bear protecting her cubs  while dealing with the reality that their dad is also a bear, not some outside enemy.

Brad has had a new wife and daughter to care for for a little over a year now. I get that. I don't want to take every dime he has. I want him to be able to live a life. Though not without a degree of discomfort when he still has obligations to the first wife and children he made. I don't think he's ever forgotten those obligations, even if he hasn't honored them in the ways I wished he would. But we get it worked out. Sometimes he takes the brunt of it, sometimes I do. But we try to be understanding and remain civil because we love our children. And I have seen just how nasty divorced couples can get over the equivalent of a few dimes.

A lot of folks assumed I would be "set for life" when I  married Mr. Perfect. After all, he has been nominated for four daytime Emmy awards, you or your kids have probably worn clothing or bought merchandise he's designed, and watched one of the TV shows he's worked on.. You may even have heard his band or watched one of the television series he appeared in as a child. But, really--he's just an artist. A brilliant one, yes, but exposure doesn't equal monetary success--especially here in pricey Southern California and when his income is always cut in half or more to support his ex-wife and children (which he does gladly, and which I fully support, knowing this when I married him). * He has a deep desire to provide and gives so much of himself to his family, to ours, to anyone who needs help. *He does so much work and contributes his talents so often for free. *He works hard, every day, making things happen, bringing possibilities to hopeful fruition. He is beloved by all those who know him. We are blessed richly and deeply in many areas, but money, unfortunately, is not one of them.


We don't desire a lot as a married couple--just sufficient for our  needs and those of our children: A vehicle large enough to carry us all, maybe the luxury of health insurance, and the occasional trip out to get a ice cream as a family. But none of these desires come at the expense of not knowing how much we already do have.

Knowing that we are not alone in this modern world that is going through a depression every bit as great as the great one, though artificially propped up by credit cards and student loans and charts with tenth of a percentage improvements. Everyone is scared. Everyone knows that they could get caught up in the next wave of layoffs or have their position moved overseas. Nearly everyone knows someone who has had to take their spouse and children and move back in with their parents to wait this time out.

The point of all this circles back to my opening paragraph: Don't. Get. Mean.

Don't let money or a lack of it dictate your ability to give and love and have compassion on people.

If you find yourself in a blessed situation to still have sufficient and then some, give a little away--to a specific person or a charity. Or just drop an extra buck in that tip jar for the man or woman likely working at that coffee shop when they have a college degree.

If you don't have money, give of your time in service.

Give of your prayers in behalf of those who struggle.

There's always, always something to give.

Just remember money is money and people are people, and not everyone who is struggling financially "did it to themselves." Stay tender. Stay kind. We'll all get through this. Even you. Even me.