what i'll do differently this time

One of the biggest emotional suitcases I drug around with me post-divorce was the sad, heavy, persistent question: What did I do wrong? 

I thought if I could just plug in some answer to that question, I'd have time to save my marriage. Even after I realized the saving wasn't possible, I still beat myself up with the question because I wanted to fix whatever may have been "wrong" with me before I even started to THINK about moving on.

Really, for the entirety of my 13 year marriage, I felt I woke up and tried my hardest to be the best wife I could every. single. day.  We held hands, we kissed, we dated, we prayed together, we worked together, we laughed together, we pursued interests separately and with one another, we didn't leave the house or go to bed angry, didn't speak badly--even jokingly-- of one another to anyone. I didn't know what more or better I could have done, but if I did--I would have done it. 

Not that I didn't have the occasional bad day, or selfish day, or lazy day, or weepy PMS day, or completely overwhelmed with the kids, hand the baby off to Brad as soon as he walked in the door, and drive directly to the Dairy Queen day...but they were the exception not the norm. Even Brad reassured me, repeatedly, that I had been the perfect wife and mother and that it was him, not me, who had the problems. In the end (with thanks to some therapy) I came to accept that, while I wasn't perfect (who is?), nothing I had done warranted what was ultimately done to me. 

Learning and really accepting that helped me forgive myself, forgive Brad, trust again, and begin to look towards the future and maybe even a re-marriage at some point with hope. 

All that being said, it doesn't mean that I haven't given a lot of thought to what I want to do differently this time.  A lot of those different things I want to do are simply because Mr. Perfect is a different man who appreciates and enjoys different things than Brad.  Our work set up and schedules will be different, as will our family dynamic. And we both come into the marriage like dogs you adopt from the pound--extremely grateful and aware of any kindness shown to us because we have known what it is to be alone, scared and struggling for a length of time.

So this time...

*Instead of taking on the budget myself (which I did in my previous marriage), I will share in the finances so that both of us are aware at all times of what is going in or out. Much less room for blaming in that situation, much less ulcer-like stress on one person to "make it work," and much easier to work together to get to our temporal goals.

*Not fall so into routine that I forget to be spontaneous. Running a family of six kids will entail a certain degree of routine and repetition to keep everyone on track--and it's stressful to get off track-- but I don't want to be so beholden to a routine that I pass up an opportunity to go catch sand crabs on the beach (right now!) or make a perfectly lovely mess of the entire house in the name of fun. 

*Accept more help. From Mr. Perfect, from kids, from whomever. Living as a single woman these last years has humbled me enough to ask for help when I need it, and realize what a blessing I'm often giving to allow others to help me. I don't have to do it all alone. I'm not weak if I need an extra pair of hands. This is powerful to know.

Finally--

*Never let a chance for a kind word or compliment go untaken. Remembering that every word I say or don't say; every thing I do or don't do; every thought I let my mind rest upon and every direction I let those thoughts go MAKES A DIFFERENCE. Life really is about the sum of our small, daily choices. It has always been my nature to be kind and giving but it has cemented itself in more than ever now. 

Before people could just strike a flint or a match or a Bic and make fire in a few seconds, you had to protect the fire you had. Nurture it. Care for it. Watch over it at all times to make sure it didn't go out. It was a lifeline,  a protection against danger, warmth and security. I think that's the perfect visual for a marriage. Do not look at it as disposable.  Take care of it. Be nice.  It's really not so hard :)

For more great advice on holding a marriage together, take a read here (this guy and I share a blogging brain!)

and the rains came tumbling down

 

The wise man may have chosen a better location for his house than the foolish man, but in the end--the rains came tumbling down on both of them. 

And this has been one RAINY week, let me tell ya, buddy!

Last Tuesday, Mr. Perfect had some major car problems. My offering was, "Well, at least we still have my van." Then Wednesday, seemingly out of nowhere, the transmission goes out of my thus very trustworthy Jean-Claude Dam Van.  I got a rental car ($$$) to hold me over until I could get the van looked at, only to be told it would be nearly $600 for them to even take the transmission out to inspect. Funny that JUST the day before, I'd gotten a decent trade in quote on the van and considered it an option to sell to get us down to California where we could use any leftover money as a down payment on some SUV thing that we could actually drive all six kids around in. So, we're still kind of scratching our heads, unsure what to do right now about our sudden car situation, though my dear Peterson family has offered to help us come up with some type of solution.

*Meanwhile, my house went on the market which entailed a $55 key making fee (I've never had keys to my front door...I do now) and a $150 carpet cleaning fee. 

*$75 to get out of my gym membership contract.

*$100 for a doctor's visit.

*Some unknown $ amount for possibly having to re-retain my divorce attorney to get child support coming again.

*And all the normal monthly bills that still need paying.

For as thrifty and creative as Mr. Perfect and I are, it all seems like walking against a hurricane finance-wise at this point.

But, in the end, really--it's just money. And stuff. We can figure it out. Hurricanes end. And it will be worth it, like every good thing that requires an "effectual struggle." We are loopy in love, committed to one another and the bringing together of our lives and goals and families. Mr. Perfect asks me to marry him again every day.  And every day I say yes again. It's simply the kind of love you don't give up on.

Besides, I think you KNOW you've made a good decision when you get the answer straight to your heart in a moment of perfect peace and clarity, and have it reaffirmed repeatedly in that 'no denying it' way...and then things immediately start to go wrong. As if the devil would just love to stop something really awesome from happening by throwing all his lame, heel-bruising tactics in your path.

So, we're going to keep our eyes focused on one day at a time, fingers crossed for a little miracle or a few, and try to enjoy waiting out the rain in the house built on a rock--which I think is the perfect metaphor for what's in our hearts.

putting the *move* in moving mountains

It's been a week today since I got home from California, and I must admit it feels more like a month. I can't believe how much I've gotten accomplished in just seven days!

*I have a sized-just-right 200 year old engagement ring on my finger, a hybrid of family rings which cost us $0.

*I found a replacement host for my radio show.

*My house is up for sale and in the midst of a major purging.

*I'm lining up freelance marketing work to take to California with me to hold us over until I can find the right job fit there.

*Mr. Perfect got to meet my siblings and various assorted family members via Skype, which included us singing him our rousing rendition of "Hooked on a Feeling" (ooga chakka, ooga ooga)

*And maybe most exciting--Mr. Perfect and I bumped our wedding date up by five days to November 24, and moved it from California to Utah, where we were planning on being for his big family reunion/Thanksgiving/anniversary/birthday party anyway. This will keep his out of state family from having to travel more the next weekend AND it will allow all our kids to be a part of the whole shebang, which they are thrilled about. A win-win situation, even if it will be 30 degrees colder :) 

And while we couldn't be happier with how smoothly everything is falling into place, there has been some rough news, too.

Those of you who have read my blog for a while know what a love affair I've had with the house we bought and remodeled six years ago ("Providence Cottage"). I thought it would be my carry-me-out-feet-first-when-I'm-dead house.  I cared for it as such and have been so, so grateful that I was able to hang onto it for the 4 1/2 years since the divorce. It was the piece of sanity and stability that the boy squad and I so needed, and it nurtured us as we made all kinds of happy memories inside and out in our new family situation. 

We're ready and even excited, all of us, to leave now and make a new home--but turns out leaving won't be as easy as we thought. Six years ago, right on the tipping point of the real estate bubble bursting when no one was really sure how bad it would be, we took all the money we had in the world--$60,000--and put it down on the house. Now, I've learned that I won't be walking away from the sale with even a penny. The value just hasn't recovered yet, and could be as much as a decade off before it does. Which really stinks. Really, really. Especially since I wanted to use the few thousand dollars I'd hoped to make  from the sale to get us moved, and maybe bring a little something into the marriage with me.

Like I said, things are falling smoothly into place otherwise and I don't doubt they will continue to. This bump is just the last of the rough stuff needed to close this chapter in my life before starting new.

I am marrying a man who is willing to support his two girls, his ex-wife, me, his mother, his handicapped 21-year old sister, one naughty little dog, and my four boys (whom he WILL be solely supporting since I haven't received child support since July).

That's the caliber of man he is.

And, on an artist's salary, he has no idea how it's going to work, but he's faithful it will. As am I. Too many things have fit too divinely together for us to think otherwise. I am willing to work my behind off, too. It will be a crazy first few months of adjustment but it IS going to come together.

All that being said, we have received numerous generous, loving offers for help in whatever form we needed it. I know I will need help packing and cleaning at some point. I know I will need help pulling the final details of our extremely modest self-paid wedding off. But, most of all, we just need help with moving costs which include a storage pod and one-way airplane tickets. I am selling about a third of everything I own and cashing in my life insurance policy, but it looks like we'd still come up short.

In the five years I have been blogging, I have been regularly asked to advertise or set up some type of PayPal account where people could help me during my hardest hit times (like the year my cousin ran off with my school tuition inheritance money from my Grandpa, never to be seen again...). It has never sat right with me, and I have always managed to pull out of jams alright--including with help from some angels on earth. But for now, looking at the Goliath of the problem in front of us and knowing that people *do* want the option of helping in lieu of wedding gifts, Mr. Perfect and I set up an online registry where folks could donate in one dollar increments towards the goal of getting us together.

Again, I know this will all work out regardless. If I can get through a 2 month house remodel with an infant while homeschooling, if I can get through Rheumatic Fever that almost killed me, if I can get through 25 credits in one semester, if I can get through working 5 jobs while single parenting...well, I can totally get through this, too. But, for those who would strangle me if they didn't get a chance to add their two bits (literally) to this happily ever after--Here you go:

http://parkerandjennifer.mydagsite.com/

And have I mentioned today how much I love you? No matter what. Thank you for your outpouring of  best wishes. I can't imagine a finer group of friends who have stuck so lovingly by me through this journey to share all this excitement with.

dreams really do come true. like really.

Germans have a way of starting their fairy tales that, translated, means, "In a place that was not here, in a time that was not now..."

And, honestly I have spent the last several days feeling that way. As though I was some magical fairy tale princess in a time and place that exist beyond what my reality is and has been. But let's start at the beginning, shall we...

I suppose the real fairy tale starts here, 


but this portion starts off with me, as a writer and Literary Director for a glamorous lifestyle magazine, getting to try out the glamorous spa procedure of threading, wherein a woman exfoliates and plucks your entire face with barbed thread. In case you were wondering, it hurts like what you would expect ripping hair off your face with barbed thread would feel like. For two days, however, I couldn't get enough of looking at myself in a mirror. My skin looked baby fresh and glowing and my make up smoothed on like butter.

Then, my extremely sensitive skin had an allergic reaction called folliculitis wherein patches of my hair follicles on my cheeks became infected and welt-like lesions formed. I looked like every bad cartoon teenager with acne. And this was the day before I was going to California for a  visit to see my Mr. Perfect. (Visit four, and five if you count when he came here to see me). I warned him that I looked like Quasimodo-face and he said to come anyway, he'd still take me. So, I did, hoping we'd spend the majority of our visit in movie theaters and taking night time walks. Maybe I would even get a genie veil.

But as I got off the plane in Long Beach and saw him waiting for me with his cute smile and his cute hair and his cute crinkly eyes, I didn't care if my head suddenly turned into a giant antlered purple moose, I was just so happy to see him and hug him again.
 
And he didn't immediately sweep me off to a dark place either. True to his word, he took me just as I was and even lovingly reassured me I didn't look bad at all.  We picked up his sweet girls and went to eat dinner at IKEA and play 'pretend to go to Narnia' in the closet displays :)

Early Saturday morning, we went to the temple in Newport Beach together. It's a beautiful, peaceful, perfect place. Afterwards, we went for a walk around the temple grounds and sat down on a bench--I thought just to keep watching the fountains and hills.

"I think we need to talk about marriage," said Mr. Perfect.

This wasn't a new topic for us. We'd been discussing it hypothetically as any couple who knows they don't want to stay single and dating forever do. But then, in his adorable nervous way, he asked if he should get down on one knee, and before I could really process what was happening, he was asking me to marry him. 

MARRY HIM?!?!

Here was the man I had loved almost upon first sight 17 months before--the man I had so carefully hid my feelings from because he was dating other people and I was dating other people, and I didn't think he felt the same about me anyway, or ever could because of our distance. Whose friendship and kindness and talent and humor I had simply enjoyed over the time, and whose break up woes I had listened to (and he, mine). Whose hand I never even thought I would get to hold, and yet here he was, with my hand held firmly in his, asking me to be his wife!

He explained that for the last few years of his single life, he'd been looking for a lightening bolt moment, when he would just *know* that he'd met the right one. I hadn't hit him like that. But what I had done is just what I used to joke with him I did with people--grow on them like a fungus. A nice, pretty fungus. Maybe one made of orange glitter. And, really, I think God had thrown a lightening bolt the moment we met--it just missed him and hit me instead. I knew instinctively and almost immediately that he was the one for me. That we would be perfect for and with each other, and compliment each other like peanut butter and chocolate. It had been a long, happy, and sometimes tearful wait for him to see the same thing I did, but he had. Finally. His eyes were opened. He was sold on me. He was in love with me.

And of course, I said yes. 

I think I said it about 852 times.

Then we held hands and jumped in a circle because that was just exactly how I felt! It was all so unexpected but thrilling, and I wouldn't have had it any other way. He surprised me, and it is NOT easy to surprise me because my imagination generally covers all bases :)

The next few days I was there were a whirlwind of trying to grasp reality--telling my kids, his mom, his kids, his family, his friends, his co-workers. (All thrilled!)  Being introduced as his fiance'. And he kept holding my hand and presenting me proudly (remember, I still look like Quasimodo-face...bless his darling heart!). 

We decided that our courtship had been long enough and that we would just try to make things happen as quickly as possible--get the boys and I moved to California before the end of the Christmas holidays. We set a November 29 wedding date and mapped out all that would have to be done: Me selling my house, helping to train someone new for my job, finding a new host for my radio show, a home for our cat, how to get us and all our stuff moved down and in. He had his list of stuff to accomplish too.

Our main focus was just on getting us all together but we decided to try to do some type of modest "Hey! We got married, come say hi but don't bring presents!" type thing.

He doesn't have much money but infinite talent and bright possibilities. My situation is the same. We should be scared--and we are, a little, but not really. Someone much bigger than both of us is shuffling us along in faith here.  Not that the journey will be easy, but things are already starting to fall rapidly into place and I trust they will continue.

And as crazy, fairy-tale as it may sound, in just two months--I think we can pull it off and I will be Mrs. Perfect. And we will have a gorgeous combined bunch of little Perfects. And a mother Perfect and a sister Perfect and a little dog Perfect to add all the more joy to life.

For the 4 1/2 years I've been single, I have dreamed of the day writing this post would come. The day I would get to say--I MADE IT! I DID IT! WHAT A RIDE! I FINALLY GET TO GET OFF! For as much as I am certain that marriage will not be the end of my problems, it WILL be the end of enduring problems alone. It will mean less fear. No more cold toes in bed and palatable late night silences when it feels not a soul in the world is aware of me. Less heaviness in my heart. Less of those moments when I see or hear something and want so badly to turn to someone and say, "Look at that!"... only to realize there is no one there. I get a hand to hold. A shoulder to plop my head on to. Someone to cheer on and be cheered by. A counselor. A best friend. Someone to bake for and kiss when he comes home and call mine. Mine. Mine.

I contemplated ending my blog at this point. It seems it would have come full circle in its reaches to help those struggling as faithful, creative, single mothers/fathers to know they're not alone. But, I think it needs to keep going. Because, married or single, we all still face similar challenges and I am more than  happy to share what I've learned about faith, optimism, perspective, and enduring. I think I still have some useful words to offer.

Plus--I'm sure you all want to follow along to see if we pull this crazy two month whirlwind life change off, right?

So, I'll keep you updated--knowing we WILL do it. Because all my craziest endeavors have been the ones that have managed to pay off thus far.  And I trust my Mr. Perfect. I trust he will take good care of my heart and my boys. That we will work through everything together because of our shared faith and determination and desire to bless and serve others. That good things will happen for us all at once...and in degrees.

Now I write this ending because I believe it. I believe it with every inch of my healed heart...

And they lived happily every after :)