more of friday fotos

Here's my week in pictures again----with words included, because lets face it: my fingers just can't shut up!.......

We've been pushing 100 here all week, so we wait until 9:00 pm to go out and ride bikes. Is little James riding the scooter not the most hilarious thing? He wants so bad to keep up with everyone else!

Here are my kids and several of their friends having a water fight with my neighbor Chris--a grown man with only little girls who thinks it's fun to have boys to tease :)! He was up on his kids' swingset hiding behind an umbrella and spraying them with the hose. They were retaliating by throwing cups of water over the fence, and finally got wise and unloaded on him with our hose! I stayed inside the nice, dry house---- laughing!

In the summertime, I just turn the heat off in the hot tub and let it work like our pool. Every time I have to buy the chemicals to go in it I think "I'm gonna get rid of this thing and put in an outdoor fireplace....", but look how much they like it. How could I?

I have a patch on the side of my house that I planted with wildflower seeds. It's been so cool to see what has--and continues to---sprout up:

I love looking at stuff that I grew!

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And now, a moment of silence for Mark's departure from So You Think You Can Dance:

I have watched a lot of SYTYCD, but he has been my most favorite of all time. He dances like a gorgeous tragedy---teetering on the edge of lyrical insanity. Just how I would.... if I ever danced in front of millions of people on a television show. Good bye Mark :( ! Glad I only have to watch one more show without you....

And look at how famous I look:

Jenny from Australia let me in on this great photo app. site called Photo Funia. You should check it out and make yourself look famous too :)!


****Happy Weekending!****

going back....waaaaay back

I know I've made ya'al sit through some of my teenage journal entries before, but now I want to take you back a little farther. This is from what would be my grandfather's journal (he's actually Brad's grandfather, but I got him in the divorce--ha!---again, laughing so I won't cry....). Anyhow, my dear mother-in-law made a copy of some of his journals and life stories for our family. I often read through them not only for the entertainment factor, but also just to put my problems in perspective. Here's a few memories of a boy living in the wild west of Utah around the turn of the century:

1. A bartender in Salt Lake wanted a live rattlesnake. A large one was found for him. It was fastened at the track while the men lifted the hand car and put it on the side track. Aunt Aggie came over there and didn't know there was a snake. It struck at her but she was just barely out of reach, which saved her life. Father was handy at carpentry work, so was asked to make a cage for the snake. One side had glass in it. When they went to give it to the man on the train, he made them put it on the train themselves and turn the glass so he couldn't see the snake. The bartender put the cage on his counter. He would bet anyone a dollar that they couldn't hold their finger on the glass when the snake struck at it. He made quite a little bit of money this way.

*thought: bars and gambling in Salt Lake, really :) ?!

2. Everyone wondered what they would do for Christmas dinner one year. There was snow all over the ground. A large flock of snow birds lit on the ground nearby. They were very thick. Uncle Charlie got out his shot gun and with two blasts killed a lot of them. I can remember them cleaning all those little birds. And we had a delicious bird pie for Christmas.

*thought: last Christmas we went through the drive thru at Jack in the Box.

3. There was an old Indian woman on the reservation whose eyes the Indians had taken out as she had been afflicted with sore eyes. She was tied with a long rope to a stake so she could go as far away as the rope would reach and wouldn't get lost. The blind Indian wore a sunbonnet that she kept pulled over her eyes so no one would see them. A woman showing us around tip-toed over and yanked the bonnet up and jumped back. The blind woman jerked the bonnet back down and swiftly slashed around with a stick to try to hit anyone. I don't know why my mother happened to have a large pear in her hand. She felt sorry for the old blind Indian and told her guide she would give the pear to the blind Indian if she would show them her eyes. And so she did. The Indians had stuffed old rags into her eye sockets. I can remember the old dirty rags poking out where her eyes should have been.

*thought: can you imagine having your eyes REMOVED because they were SORE? and I think my life is hard....

4. One time we saw a little dark object on the horizon. Everyone stood outside and watched to see what it was. We always did this when anything out of the ordinary appeared. I t slowly came closer and we found out it was an old prospector. With him was a very small donkey. The old man said the mother of the little donkey had died and he would have to sell the donkey because it couldn't carry a load. He offered to sell it for five dollars. Father bought it for me, although five dollars was a lot of money in those days. When we moved back to Salt Lake City, I rode my little donkey all of the 200 miles. A doctor lived near father's store there. He offered father $25 for the donkey. But father refused. The doctor said he had to have that little donkey for his boy and told father to name his price. Father said he had to have it for his boy and refused to sell it. Father needed the money quite badly too. A couple of weeks later someone poisoned the donkey and it died.

*thought: that one just breaks my heart.

So, I guess when things feel rough in our lives, we can just keep it all in perspective: Unbitten by rattlesnakes, plenty to eat without resorting to killing birds in our yard, not blind and tied to a pole with dirty rags stuffed in our eye sockets, and with lawsuits to punish donkey-poisoners. And though that sounds a little funny, it was meant more to be THE TRUTH :) .

Thanks for reading!

would you rather....

There's a game you can play on Facebook called **Would You Rather**, so I guess I kind of "borrowed" this idea from that--- heck! I even stole some of their questions directly---but some of them I made up myself so I'm gonna call this post my own :) . Now tell me bloggy friends, WOULD YOU RATHER :

*Be a vampire or a werewolf?

*Have cookies and milk or chips and a pop?

*For 2 weeks, go without TV or without your computer?

*Be too hot or too cold?

*Be a good dancer or a good singer?

*Fall down the stairs or fall down on the ice?

*Be a pirate or a ninja?

*Have more cowbell or less?----if you don't get this one, turn up your volume :)

*Bleed rainbows or puke rainbows?

Ah!--you guys always make me happy when you play along! Danke!

And I must say, I am REALLY feeling this Brillante Weblog Award love! Trooper Thorn and Aimee both awarded it to me. Thank you both lots and lots! I've already given it to seven people, so I'll refrain from awarding it to another fourteen, but I do love that I am thought about when someone has something like this to give. Don't ya'al forget about me when you win some big bucks, k? ........ :)

more of the ipod thing you've seen on other people's blogs.... because i have blog stall.....and this is the longest title EVER

I know you have to have seen this challenge floating around by now. I stole it from Heather. You put your ipod on shuffle (or in my case non-ipod mp3 player that has had the same songs on it for a year...), then answer the following questions with whatever song comes up. FUN TO DO---FUNNER TO READ :)! (I know funner is not a word, by the way...)

1. What would describe your personality? : Army of Me (Bjork)

2. What do you like in a guy/girl? : Call Me Irresponsible (Michael Buble')

3. How do you feel, today?: Dance This Mess Around (The B-52's)

4. What’s your life’s purpose?: Just Can't Get Enough (Depeche Mode)

5. What is your motto? : Don't Know Why (Norah Jones)

6. What do your friends think of you?: Beautiful Life (Ace of Base--and no, I'm not ashamed to have Ace of Base on my playlist....)

7. What do you think of your parents?: Jumpin', Jumpin' (Destiny's Child)

8. What do you think about very often?: My Blue Heaven (Harry Connick, Jr.)

9. What do you think of your best friend? :Feel the Vibrations (Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch---again, no shame here!)

10. What do you think of the person you like?: S.O.S (Erasure's version)


****Hurry quick!--pause your music player now before it gets to the cussing part. I don't want to offend anyone--but this version of SexyBack was too hilarious not to put up, you'll understand why in a few questions.....*****

11. What is your life story?: Girl You Know It's True (Milli Vanilli--o.k. I AM a little embarrassed by this one.....)

12. What do you want to be when you grow up?: Be My Lover (La Bouche)

13. What do you think when you see the person you like?: Run to the Sun (Erasure)

14. What do your parents think of you? : Oops!...I Did it Again (Brittany Spears)

15. What will be played at your funeral? :SexyBack (Justin Timberlake)

16.What is your hobby/interest?: Trash (New York Dolls)

17. What is your biggest secret? : Girlfriend in a Coma (The Smiths)

18. What do you think of your friends?: Love to Hate You (Erasure---I sure love Erasure)

19. What should you post this as? :Harry Potter Prologue (John Williams)


Elena--I would like you to be on the search for a piano/flute/cello/acoustic guitar arrangement of SexyBack to be played at my funeral.........and to the rest of you: If you don't take this whole challenge, at least do it for the funeral question and let me know in your comments what it comes up as :)!

a matter of the heart

It's probably because there's a limit to how much you ladies can actually do for me that makes me feel far less anxious about worrying or "bothering" you than I do my immediate friends or family. soooooooo I was wondering if I could call together your prayers and positive thoughts on my behalf (AGAIN!).

I went to the doctor on Friday to have a strep culture done. My throat had been pretty sore for a day, and since strep already slapped me around and showed me who was boss once, I wasn't going to let 'er take me down again!



The strep test came back negative, but the doctor was pretty concerned about my heart. She asked about my murmur and I told her it had come from having strep-induced rheumatic fever back in February/March.



I tried to put her at ease by adding: "My cardiologist was optimistic that it was minor enough to probably repair itself in about 6 months time. I go in to see him again in September."



"I would not call this minor" she said, then gave me her stethoscope to listen to my own heart: sure enough....instead of a nice pa-tump-a-tump, my heart went pa-tump-a-GLURG. I think that "glurg" part wasn't suppose to be there?...... and if I, with my "untrained ear" could hear it-- I knew it couldn't be good.



Since I've been feeling pretty energetic and active most of the time--- I really thought I was getting better. I was even looking forward to September and getting the news that 'I'd beat this thing'.



"Have you been under any stress lately?" my doctor asked ( she was STILL listening to my heart....it had been 3 looooong minutes).



Me?



Stress?

LATELY?!?!

Bwahahahahahaha!!!!



Apparently the stress I've been being "experiencing" (and dealing with, I think, the best I can) could have made the murmur worse...... and now I've been ordered to the cardiologist again. The doctor wouldn't even prescribe me any medicine for fear of exacerbating the situation, and suggested I take NOTHING (not even Tylenol!) until we knew more.



I'm still feeling positive, like I CAN beat this---somehow I just can't seem to strangle that eternal optimism-- but I do find it ironic that my heart, which was so figuratively "broken", appears to be LITERALLY broken as well....... (I guess it's even a little like raaaaaa-in on your wedding day, it's the freee-eee ride, when you've already paid.....anyone else remember good ol' Alanis Morisette and her angst? Project Playlist didn't...... yeah, this is just me, trying to laugh at a situation that makes me want to cry.)



Phew! Thanks for letting me vent. (Like you had a choice :)!) And thanks for taking care of me the way only a group of women sitting at their computers can. You let me know I am loved and thought about, without the guilt of feeling like I've drug you away from your families to fold my laundry or make me casseroles or anything. Still.....



One of these days I swear I'm going to just wake up and everything in my life will be "normal" again.......and then I'll get to say "WHAT A CRAZY DREAM THAT WAS! Sure am glad it's over!"......

Ya'al would let me know if you were just figments of my dream imagination, right?!

friday fotos

Here's a little glimpse at my week in pictures with (almost!) no words:





Ethan and his buddy in their homemade superhero garb. I think Ethan is suppose to be Batman--or scary Dog Man!

We FINALLY got some rain this week! Kids loved it. Patches of dead grass loved it too! And yes.... Liam is still in his pajamas at 10:00. 3 out of 4 were dressed, so I was pleased with myself.

oh look--no cushions on the couch.....again! Wonder who's responsible :) ?

Where IS Waldo?!

Kids caught my candid reaction to Mark not getting voted off So You Think You Can Dance. He's my favorite--can't you tell :)?!

--and if your sound wasn't up--you missed out on a for sure danceable song! As long as others keep making me type in robot letters (which always takes me more than one try and makes me feel like I'm 85 years old....is that a q or a g?......), I'm gonna keep subjecting ya'al to my music player :)!

-----Also I got this great award (I think it may even be ITALIAN!) from Romi that I get to give away to seven other lucky bloggers--so I choose Amanda, Miki with one K, Mikki with two K's, Lauren, Tamie, Brittany, and Jenni!!! Every one of 'em deserves an award! Just right click on it to claim it girls :)!

****Happy Weekending!!!****

I really want to win this! If you do too--head over to SITS and sign up! They have given away all this fabulous stuff, and here I sit empty-handed :( . Do I at least get the sympathy prize?!

just stirring the pot a little

The first part of this post came from my niece Brittany. Can you guess what organization it's talking about?:

36 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 currently are defendants in lawsuits,
and 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

What organization is this?..........

NBA?

NFL?

Neither....it's the 435 members of the United States Congress. The same group of "qualified men and women" that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

Want more hypocrisy? Read this. You'll leave laughing, or crying, or fuming.... or all of them.

I'm just sayin' people: the founding fathers were not idiots in their determination to give as much power and decision making to the people as possible. They conceived our system of government after studying the entire scope of history and what had caused past governments to succeed or fail. And history does nothing if not repeat itself. An overly arrogant central government and a weak-minded people who hand too many of their rights over to them will fall. "We the People" are still in charge. If we all stand up and speak out, with pitchfork and torch in hand if necessary, we can save ourselves and our democracy. The answer doesn't lie in any particular candidate, but in us. Just think about it.

This is where I stand, and for some crazy reason (maybe that it's Thursday and I'm out of Chocolate Chex?), I felt the need to make it known. Hope I still have readers in the morning!


And now that this pot is sufficiently stirred......have at me!

*and for those of you who were curious--I wrote in my comments section from yesterday's post about how Zane's first day of school went!

homeschooler forever....sniff, sniff

Even though it's my Zane's first day of school--EVER!--I am NOT going to take "homeschooling mom" off my profile. Because in my heart, that's still what I am..... and always will be. And a dang good one too! I've taken a lot of guff from some family and friends for my choice to homeschool over the years, but it's been one of those things I've stuck with anyway. We've homeschooled through two new babies, through my mother's cancer battle and death,through a move and a major remodel, through my bout with rheumatic fever, and through the intensity of a divorce. I never thought I'd come up against a situation that would thwart me---but having to re-plan and re-imagine our whole world turned out to be THE situation. I know I'm making the right decision for now. A year in public school with their friends will, I think, turn out to be a good thing in the long run. At least then they will always have something to compare their homeschool experience to. And I'll get to spend a little more one on one time with the little guys (who are already asking me to "have school" with them....), and I'll be able to establish a routine for my own college studies. Who knows what we'll be doing next year! If my boys really hate public school and ask to be homeschooled again, I'll find a way to do it. You betcha I will! And hopefully those of you who have read my blog for any amount of time have been able to observe that my kids are brilliant--each in their own way--- that they are not social rejects without friends or activities outside the home, we do not drink bean sprout milkshakes or wear homemade uniforms, neither of them have two heads, and that "school"--though crucial to our day-- does not occupy the majority of it. I know homeschooling isn't a choice for everyone, but if you've ever considered it, or really feel it would be in the best interest of your child--I say GO FOR IT! You'll never regret at least giving it a try!

Now will someone go get me a bucket for all these tears :( ?!

what scared the bejeebers out of me

This is the story of a friend of a friend and how he scarred me for life. Those are always interesting, right? So, I asked this friend of mine the other day if he knew anyone famous (I've been asking that question of a lot of people ever since I got such awesome answers in this post)---and he said something to the effect of "yeah, I kind of grew up in L.A. and I don't think you can make it out of there without knowing someone famous". His best friend growing up was this guy:

Courtney Gains. Does the name ring a bell? It didn't to me either. So, my friend starts to tell me some of the movies this guy has been in: Back to the Future, Memphis Belle, Can't Buy Me Love, Sweet Home Alabama..........and then he throws in that he's probably best known for his role in this one:

(lots of space here for dramatic effect!.....)

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Even the mention of the name CHILDREN OF THE CORN gave me the chills. The heebie-jeebies. The "adjective that hasn't been invented yet, but describes me feeling really scared"! And, the ironic thing is, I haven't seen this film for 25 years. The images are still burned into my brain though--it frightened me THAT bad!!!

I remember walking down the street to my buddy Robin's house one muggy summer evening. We were going to go to the roller skating rink together. When I arrived, she told me that we had to wait for her mom to get back from the store before we could leave. So, I plopped down on the couch next to her and started to watch whatever it was her dad was watching on television. They had this new, cool thing called "cable". Sometimes we would laugh at Mr. Ed reruns together, or dance to Rod Stewart videos on MTV. But tonight, it was some kind of a movie with a lot of children in it.... And the rest of it becomes a memory I wish I could repress. Her mom didn't come home for over an hour, and I sat there-- paralyzed with fear, watching these Satanic kids poison their parent's coffee, hack them up, bury them in a cornfield, and take over their whole town. The part that affected me most was all the religious defamation that went on---some dead "blue guy" on a crucifix. An ink-drawn moustache on a picture of Jesus in the church. Praying to "He Who Walks Behind the Rows". All very nice, happy things. Oh yeah---did I mention I was only EIGHT YEARS OLD?!?!?! Talk about some serious early age trauma!

My friend's friend Courtney was Malachi:

Recognize him now? I bet if you saw this movie--you'd never be able to forget him either! Actually, I feel kind of sorry for the guy! My friend still keeps in touch with him. He said every time they go out, someone stops them and tells Courtney how badly he terrified them. He even gets called "the devil" on a regular basis. That probably doesn't do a heckuva lot for one's spiritual self-esteem, does it :)?!

But, thanks to that movie--I became a great horror movie wimp. I was the one all the other girls would make fun of -- calling my mom from a slumber party, crying to come home because they were going to watch Rosemary's Baby, or Night of the Living Dead, or Carrie. I think I was even afraid of Disney's Watcher in the Woods! Suspenseful..... I can nail-chew my way through----but evil...... I'll never go there again! Once was obviously enough to scar me for the past 2 decades.......Thanks Children of the Corn! Thanks, too, very responsible father of my friend Robin who thought it was totally appropriate to let 8 year olds watch a slasher film!

*Also--I found the soundtrack to this movie and almost added it to accompany this post--but I was seriously shaking just to hear it again! Very freaky!--you can go search Project Playlist "Children of the Corn, Main Title Theme" for it and scare yourself crazy if you want!!! (just don't listen to it alone!). I did put up this techno version of the song, but I found it much more danceable than scary :).

~~~~~Now it's your turn to play. What movie(s) scared the bejeebers out of you?~~~~~~

if my life were a sitcom

So, this is kind of an odd post--but it is Monday and I'm sure we're all in an odd way anyway--so I'm just going to go with it.

Have you ever watched a TV show simply because you liked the house the characters lived in? Or is it just me? I have often found myself tuning into programs I don't otherwise care much for.....in order to admire the furniture. I had to use You Tube videos because google finally came up against something it couldn't find images of (gasp!). You only have to watch the first 10 seconds of each to see what I'm talkin' about, but THESE are among my all-time favorite TV houses. (and hey! guess what? I just published this and can now see that all my videos are out of order! I am too lazy to do any more cutting or pasting---so just watch and then re-arrange everything in your head. It'll be good mental aerobics!)

Mad About You : (which is actually Frasier)

I loved how they took a huge space and divided up into an office, a dining room, a sitting room, and a TV watching space. I based the decor of my first house on this show---lots of tan, cream and black, Arts and Crafts accents, and a black iron bed that I was forever changing the bedding on. And you have to admit that 13 years later, that buffalo check/toille mix loveseat they had is still amazing!

Will and Grace: (which is actually Mad About You)

I hated this show with a passion--but I couldn't get enough of the New York chic apartment. I think I have the tastes of a make-believe gay man, because if I moved into this place--there'd be very little I would change! My favorite things here would have to be the great leather banquette, the slipcovered chairs, and the photographer's lamp.

Friends: (which is actually Will and Grace)

I am not a big fan of pink or purple or turquoise---but somehow it all worked in this place! The best was just looking around each week to see what they'd changed. Seems there was always something new hanging on the wall, or new flowers in the vase, or a new throw and pillows on the couch. I think its set designers must have loved it as much as their own homes! And who didn't think about hanging a little frame around their peep hole after watching this show?

Finally, Frasier: (which is actually Friends, which means I didn't even get ONE right!)

I think this show was on for almost 10 years and that apartment of his looked as timeless on the last episode as it did on the first....and they never changed a thing. Proves you can't go wrong with neutral colors, texture instead of pattern, classic lines, and great art. And though I'm a happy suburbanite---I would almost move to the city for that view of Seattle!

On the same note, there were also shows that were great but were hard for me to watch because their TV homes really bothered me. Like Everybody Loves Raymond. That house had way too much oak, yucky wallpaper that didn't match with anything, and kids toys piled up needlessly everywhere. I think it was suppose to represent "real life"---but, that's kind of why I watch TV---to ESCAPE real life! Show me unattainable beauty people! Actually, that show was funny enough that I learned to turn a blind eye and appreciate the benefits of plastic slipcovers on a couch.

I guess if my life were a sitcom, I would be living in an impeccably styled loft in a big city somewhere..... and also there would have been a laugh track and clapping running throughout this whole post making it seem much wittier and clever-er than it was :)!

Do you have any favorite TV houses?.....or any that you hate?

why i cry

There was one last question that was asked of me on Monday that I didn't address in the last two posts. It was more serious than the others and I felt it deserved an answer all its own. Amanda wanted to know: How are you doing really? How are you handling your current struggles? Amanda knows me in real life--enough to see me at least once a week in church. And I'm usually happy when you see me, right Amanda? I can only assure you that my happiness is genuine. I've never been a great pretender when it comes to my emotions--so if I'm smiling, I mean it. It's a weird kind of "numb" happiness though. Like God has put this giant force field of faith and mercy around me that keeps the full weight of this trial from crushing me all at once. I find it strangely confusing and appreciated at the same time.

But I do still cry. Every day in fact. Usually just for as long as it takes me to shower. Or as long as it takes me to fall asleep. Or those fairly rare times when I'm all by myself, and it's quiet, and I'm forced to just sit with my emotions for a while.

It's kind of funny what triggers the tears though. It always starts, of course, with the sickening realization that Brad is gone. That he is not coming back. That, like it or not, my life and the life of my children are forever changed. It's a sensation like someone has poured wet cement into me and it is slowly setting to concrete. But, I cry about other things too:

-I cry because gas and milk are too expensive.

-I cry whenever we sing "Lead Kindly Light" in church and get to the part: keep Thou my feet, I do not ask to see the distant path, one step enough for me.

-I cry because I yelled too much at my kids that day.

-I cry because my back itches and there's no one there to scratch it.

-I cry because Jim didn't get to propose to Pam.

-I cry because my "To Do" list never seems to get "To Done" no matter how diligent I am.

-I cry because I feel like I'm thinking way too much about myself when I should be reaching out to others and losing myself in service.

-I cry because I have the body of a real 33 year old, and not like a TV/movie 33 year old.

-I cry because I want to buy pretty orange shoes, but my desire to stay out of debt won't let me.

-I cry because I have seen evidence already that having the person I loved most in the world betray and hurt me in the manner he did will forever affect my ability to trust and love people around me the way I did before.

-I cry because it feels like I just can't do anything right.

-I cry because, even though it's been two years since she died, I still think it might be my Mom calling when the phone rings. And she'll have all the answers. And she'll go buy me those pretty orange shoes.

-I cry at the commercials where the kid is feeding his Dad Cheerios so his cholesterol won't be so high.

-I cry because my good friend Steve isn't in this world anymore.

-I cry because I have to send my Zane off to school for the first time next week and it breaks my heart to think that someone who is not me will be getting him for 6 hours a day and watching him learn and grow, and I'm afraid they won't recognize all the incredible potential that is in him.

-I cry because I have to send my Ethan off to school 2 weeks after that, and I worry that his teacher isn't going to understand that he likes to stand up when he does his work and that he needs his questions answered right away or he forgets them, and that his heart is so tender.

-I cry because I'm always stubbing my toe on the living room chair and burning myself whenever I bake.

-I cry because my two sweet little ones cry.....a lot...... really loudly..... about EVERYTHING! and that everyone's emotions in this house just run waaaaay too high sometimes.... most times.

-I cry because I see the tears well up in my older boys' eyes when they talk about something they did with their Dad in the past. And I want so badly to protect them and make it all better--but how?!

-I cried the other day when I had "The Gambler" playing because it reminded me of my childhood best friend, Emily, who now lives like a hippie in a VW bus somewhere on a beach in Mexico.

-I cry because I wonder if my heart valve injury will ever heal itself or if I'm going to always have this gripping fear of dropping dead of a heart attack one day.

-I cry because Fred Meyer stopped carrying Ben and Jerry's S'mores ice cream and it was my favorite.

-I cry the hardest because no matter what or who I plug into the equation that is my life and future--- I just can't see a happy ending yet.

It would be pretty depressing if I ended here, wouldn't it? Thankfully, I can also report that there are a lot of times I am blessed to cry out of gratitude too. I am SO grateful that I am still the mother of four incredibly special, wonderful, unique boys whom I love with all my heart-- and who get to live with me. I get to stay in this house that I worked so hard to transform into a home. I'm financially not too bad off. I have a lot of goals and ambitions and enough intelligence to help me achieve them. I have a handful of close friends and family members who keep an eye on me. I have a blog with incredible readers whose comments are like daily affirmations. I get to live in a world so beautiful in its creation that it actually takes my breath away at times. I still laugh... a lot. I have the kind of faith that acts like a big pillow always there to catch me when I need it the most. And I know for certain that no matter how alone I feel--I never, ever, ever am. And that really is something to cry about.



Ending on a lighter note-- here's a token of my gratitude for everyone reading all these insanely long, self-centered posts this week:






You're welcome :).

i'm still telling you everything

Hello everyone! We made it to Wednesday....I think someone should give us ice cream! Mmmmmm.....ice cream........



Looking at it is almost as good as eating it, right?

Here are the rest of the q & a' s we started yesterday!

*Mikki (with two k's) asked how I picked what to write about for my blog: If you go back in my archives, you can tell I started my blog for the same reason I'm sure a lot of you did---to keep in touch with family and friends and show them cute pictures of my kiddos. Except that just about NO ONE cared. I even sent out 60 Christmas cards with our blog address in them (I think I called it "our family website".....) and only my niece Karli looked! Somewhere along the line, I just decided to stop writing to them and start writing as though I was speaking to a vast audience of unknowns (and also just to myself!). At the same time, I began leaving comments on any and all blogs that caught my eye. And ta-da!--suddenly really intelligent, really funny, really sweet, really insightful and encouraging people started to read my blog. It was a bloggy miracle!

Presently, I still love sharing stories about my family, but I also just love to write. period. About anything, everything, stuff I see outside my window, people I overhear in Wal*Mart, projects I'm taking on around my house,You Tube videos, my new shoes, what I'm cooking, my boyfriend Blake Lewis, my obsession with Alan Rickman and So You Think You Can Dance.... and, of course, my 12 toes and tail!!! I think I have a running notebook in my head all day long about things I could possibly post about. Writing has always been an outlet for me, and is currently doubling as an escape from the sress, and tripling as a form of late night entertainment. I've never thought of myself as especially talented or unique in the writing department, but I'm better than your average bear at it, and so as long as people keep reading....and leaving the best comments ever.....I'll keep writing!


*Miki (with one k) asked what kind of literature style I liked best. And really--if it has words--I'll read it. I read my scriptures daily,a ton of blogs, all kinds of magazines, the Imprimis, and the back of every cereal box and shampoo bottle in my house! I love fiction---especially any book with great character development (that's why I loved Harry Potter so much--each person in that story was so well-defined and unforgettable!)--but my time to read is limited, so for the most part I stick with non-fiction--and continue to neglect my children for other reasons other than not being able to pull myself away from a book :). (But one of these days I WILL read the Twilight series!!!).


*Carrie asked a deep question about whether I would go back in my past and change something I'd done, or go forward to see what mistake I might make and then not make it. The answer is---I've watched waaaaaay too many episodes of Quantum Leap to want to tamper with time at all!
I guess I'd rather have the ability to just stop time. Get to a great point in my life and just freeze everything. I sort of cheated on that question, huh :) ? She also wanted to know what I was afraid of: moths and freeways. I know, I should be committed.


*Adiel asked: Miracle Whip or Mayonnaise?: Yuck. Neither. I eat my sandwiches as plain as can be and always have.


*Summer asked if I still ate my noodles with my fingers. We grew up together, so she's referring to my 14 year old self that use to eat Ramen Noodles, yeah, with my hands. Well, Summer, I am so grown-up and cultured now that I eat PASTA instead of noodles, and I wouldn't dream of eating them with anything other than my fork (unless I'm alone and then I TOTALLY prefer my fingers still! Makes me feel like a caveman :)!).

FINALLY,

*Melissa asked about my poetry. I LOVE poetry. If I could publish anything, it would be my own book of poetry.I've published individual poems in various forums and anthologies, but never a whole book! Writing poetry is like taking an amazing story and whittling it down to only its best words--including working in some irony, a struggle, a smattering of alliteration, and everything else capable of touching a reader in a page or less. And it has to be a joy coming off the tongue when read aloud. (Warning!!! I am now going to toot my own horn, because it's the only one I have to toot!) In the poetry classes I've taken, the professors have told me that there's nothing more they can teach me---one even said I should be teaching the class. They've had a lot of great expectations for, and hope in, me. I use to have it for and in myself, too....

About 1994-1999 I was writing THE MOST amazing poetry! I had found my voice and knew that at the rate I was writing, I would soon have enough to put into a manuscript to send off to Alfred A. Knopf Publishing. And THEN......I discovered Billy Collins.... Who had already wrote practically every poem I had. If I didn't look just like my own father, I would swear Billy must have DNA'd me because we were THAT ALIKE! Same process of a poem starting you in one place and leaving you in another, same humor, same metaphors, even a lot of the same phrases used. Except Billy wasn't an unknown like me. He was a professor. And published a bojillion times. He was even the United States Poet Laureate a few years back. That all the best things I had to say had already been said took a lot of the wind out of my sails, and I haven't written much poetry since. But, one day, I'm going to find my voice again---one that hasn't been used already---and then WHO KNOWS!

I don't want to be plagiarized, so I fear putting my really good stuff up, but here's a short, "so-so" one if you're interested in reading something I wrote. To all the rest of you who have had enough reading for now---Ta-ta :)!

PLANTING MOSS ROSE

The whole sky is streamlined this afternoon
like the top of a T
The clouds pasty smears on blue paper
and air stirred thick with wasps,
folding in around me,
drowning out the buzzing of my day with their own.

My shovel busy slicing at the soil's belly,
lifting and tossing it into a waiting bucket.
Somewhere,
I realize,
wind is now wearing
mountain down to plateau
to mesa
to boulder
to stone or pebble,
Water working those smaller still
to silt and sand
to dust
which hurries now to fill in the hole I have just made.

Like my poems without endings--
dust having filled them halfway through--
the one about the wooden nickels,
the one about the auburn desert,
all those forms
still unnamed.

****And for those of you still reading---Thanks. If, by chance, you want to read MORE--I guest blogged at Today's Creative Blog again today. Having a blast with that!--and managing two blogs is doing a FABUOLOUS job of assuring my bathrooms stay good and dirty!
****Amanda: Your much more serious question deserves an answer post all its own. I'll have it done for tomorrow, k?

now i'll tell you everything

What interesting questions ya'al asked yesterday! I'll do my best to give you the answers!

Here I am waving to everyone and modeling the bruises on my knees! Lovely! My 4 year old took this picture--I thought it was kind of cute. But where are the cushions on my couch? Read on and find out....


*Nester and Frillsfluffsandtrucks wanted to see pictures of the furniture I spent 10 years saving for. That's kind of a question, right?........

This is my chair. I got it from Norwalk. Don't you love it's crocodile leather.......that's really just embossed vinyl! They'd never put this material on anything but the seat of a dining room chair before, and were a little leery of using it on a whole piece. I promised them it would turn out fabulous... and I think it did. I just looooove it. It wipes down like a dream, matches with everything, and choosing vinyl over leather saved me almost $600. Nester, I know you like to name your furniture--can you name her for me?
I had a really nice Ethan Allen sofa before, but it was the only piece of upholstered furniture in my living room and took quite a beating. Custom denim slipcovers gave it a few more years of use. But after 120 hard months of being sun baked, vomited on, it's cushions ripped off and turned into forts, and graffitti-ed with chocolate milk stains-- it had had it! When my mom passed away, she left me money and made me promise to buy a new couch (!) with some of it. I ordered our current one from Room and Board. I love all their clean-lined, texture-over-pattern, traditional/modern mixed furniture. It's covered in some super soft micro-chenille that feels just like my favorite sweater. I often lay down on this sofa just to rub my cheek against it. Oh--and it has down-filled cushions that feel soooo good to nap on. Thus far it has stayed out of the sun, not hosted any children with the stomach flu, and scrubbed up pretty nicely after getting hit with sippy cups full of kiddie coffee (chocolate milk). Hopefully it will make it 10 years too!

This is what it looks like all done up for its picture:

But, honestly, this is how it looks most days

I can name this one Nester---it's "Jumpy" for sure!

The story of my furniture.....that could have been a post all in itself, huh?!

*Kat asked about my homeschooling philosophies and curriculum and learning styles and zzzzzzz...... Unless you're a homeschooler, I'm sure it's not that exciting! But Kat, I'm going to direct you to this post, which should answer most of your questions. My boys will be attending public school for the first time this year--just to give them something to compare their homeschool experience to, and also to give me time to figure out how to fit being a full-time student into my schedule of being a full-time mom. I am hating having to give up being a homeschooler for a time, because I enjoy it with all my heart---but it was a decision made after a lot of prayer---so I know they'll be alright. We'll take stock of how we're doing next year and how we want to proceed from there. If the boys want to be homeschooled again, I'll find a way to make it happen.

*Elena asked how I always find such perfect music to put up on my blog. Aaaaaah! Thanks Elena! Most bloggers are annoyed by music (so says every 'survey' I've seen taken on that subject), but I personally LOVE blog music. I like to see if it fits with the post or if its just a random favorite song. It's the way I've discovered a lot of new tunes I wouldn't have heard any other way. Sadly, Playlist is HORRIBLE for trying to search out songs. They want you to spell E-V-E-R-Y word correctly. Like when I was searching for Kylie Minogue's song, I typed in "Out of my Head". No matches. It had to be "Outta My Head" to get anything. SO, yes--it might be pathetic, but I know and searched out specifically all of these songs on my playlist. In fact, my freaky elephant brain memorizes the words to EVERY song I hear more than once. I would totally win a million bucks on a show like "Don't Forget the Lyrics" (is that even still on?). I thought you would enjoy Oklahoma today because it DOESN'T match anything about this post. But I do love to dance around my house to it, including jumping up in the air and clicking my heels together. Yes--I can actually do that. I'm such a dancin' broadway star.....in the privacy of my own home :)!

*The Queen asked if I have any hidden talents. Yes!-- I can put my entire fist in my mouth. I'm hoping I can do something useful with it one day. Maybe get out of a speeding ticket or get to jump to first in the line at Wal*Mart on every 4th Tuesday?..... I don't think anyone has watched me do that"party trick" since college! Maybe I'll take a picture of myself doing it one day......that would be an interesting thing to throw out there in cyberspace!

Is anyone still reading? Are you all bored to death? Because it feels like I have been typing for FOREVER and saying nothing! :) Here let me do this:

Tune in tomorrow for the second half of the questions to be answered! (I am LOVING milking this thing for all it is worth anyhow!).

LOVE TO YOU ALL!---except weird guy googling "women who can stick their entire fist in their mouth"---I have no love whatsoever for you!!!

ask me anything

Aaaaah....all this dry Idaho heat is making me a lazy blogger. So, I'm going to jump on the bandwagon I've seen traveling through a few blogs and let you guys just ASK ME ANYTHING (that is not obscene, too invasive, or in any way related to the fact that I have 12 toes...). And don't worry, you won't have to spend all day checking the comment box hanging on my every answer (ha!) --I'll take the best questions (which will probably be all of them) and turn their answers into a post for tomorrow. That way I'll be killing TWO blogging birds with ONE blogging stone (even though I don't actually kill anything......). So ask away!!!---

and THEN, hop on by Today's Creative Blog where I am the guest blogger today--featuring someone a few of you know and love ;)!

ALSO...one of my bloggy friends Steph (the Crockpot Lady) was on RACHAEL RAY making her crockpot creme brulee'! How cool is that? Then she got a big news article done about her that also talked about my bloggy friend Kim. If you're interested, read it here.

May your Monday be very un-Monday like!

And here Kat---this one's just to help you and I have happy thoughts today :) :

i dare you not to sing along.....

while you listen to this song and look at random pictures from my vacation a month ago (yeeeeah--I'm not claiming to be so on top of things lately :) ......). Just to make up for the lame post, I might even throw in a few witty captions......plus, I have to make you scroll slow enough to get to the chorus. It's the best part!

THEN, I have a question for YOU at the end!

Here's the boy squad and I plus my older and only sister. (Recently my sis had someone try and steal the pink socks off her feet-- while she was sleeping--but we'll save that interesting story for another day....)

They really are this nice to each other 97% of the time.

I thought this one was very Ocean's 11 (or 12 or 13)-ish!

There's only so much walking in the heat one kid can take....

Here James is attempting to pry a rock out of the cement to throw in the fountain. I don't know what it is with this kid, but if there's water---he HAS to throw a rock in it!


wait for it.

wait.

wait.

wait...........

SOOOOOO......what song(s) can YOU not resist singing along to?!?! (obviously I'm a little partial to "The Gambler"--but I also can't keep my mouth shut when Kool and the Gang's "Celebration" comes on, or that Kylie Minogue song "Outta my Head"----that one gets me with all the la la la's!--and it's up next if you want to stick around wasting your time listening to catchy tunes...)

unequal distribution?

Usually when something of importance happens in my life, it takes a while for me to blog about it. First, I decide if it's something I even want to talk about. Then, if it is, I need to get my mind wrapped around it the right way---because when I write something down, it's my way of teaching myself what I've learned from the experience--and I want to make sure I've learned my lesson first.

I have a great friend named Stevan. He's about my height, red hair, boundless energy, and a huge smile always spread across his face. The house I live in now use to belong to his best friend. He was the first person we met when we moved in, and he would stop by frequently during the remodel to see if we needed any help. And would ALWAYS help when we did. Steve and his family just live around the corner from us, and it wasn't long before his twins and my two older boys were attached. His 13 year old soon joined the picture too, and "Uncle Daniel" as my little ones call him, quickly became our favorite babysitter. Steve LOVES his kids and is always the one out playing with them... and every other kid in the neighborhood--he even invented a great game similar to kick the can but involving an empty milk jug with a glow stick in it. I never did get all the rules involved, but my kids couldn't wait for it to get dark so they could run down the street to play. He has a pool and taught Zane and Ethan to swim--really swim-- last summer, allowing them to pass off a cub scout requirement. He and his family spent Thanksgiving with us as well as many Sunday dinners. Steve is one of those men you love to cook for because he showers you with compliments and always asks for seconds! They were the family we spent the past two New Year's Eves with eating homemade egg rolls and playing "Scene It".

The day I went to pick up the divorce papers, Stevan was the first person I had to explain the situation to-- since my 8 year old 'let the cat out of the bag'. The look on his face was one of complete shock: "No one is immune, are they?" he asked. After that, he really stepped up to help fill that daily "dad vacancy" for my boys, including them in a lot of outings and activities he was doing with his own kids. He and I have had our share of pretty serious talks while we watch the kids swim or play, about life's up and downs and how to hold to our faith. He lost his job in a series of layoffs about 3 weeks previous and was trying to make some fairly heavy decisions concerning his family. I never felt uncomfortable talking to him--his intentions were nothing but sincere. He was the one whose question about explaining divorce to your children inspired this post.

Last Wednesday (July 2), I had his kids over to play for most of the day while Steve taught piano lessons and did some church work. He came by to pick them up about 7:30 and stayed to watch the last 1/2 hour of Monsters, Inc. with us. He kept nodding off. "Just tired" he said, "and kind of sick to my stomach". He was tired a lot but always kept going. I didn't think anything of it.

By Thursday morning, he had passed away. At age 46. No health problems at all. Sleeping on his couch. His kids found him. Heart attack.

And I just have to say: Why, God, Why?! I don't question Heavenly Father or His reasons. He is so much wiser than I . I am not angry. Just full of questions and wanting sooooo badly to understand the trials in this life. I know everyone has them--some come naturally, others created through poor decisions-- and that so many people carry their grief around unknown. But there are other people who just seem to sail through this life with nary a care---and often so unaware of all they have been blessed with. Trials, I feel, just seem unequally distributed at times.

I'm thankful that some of the good men and women in this world finally get a chance to rest from their troubles and cares and go home--really home-- but it stinks to be the ones left behind-- a little smaller and a little less happy, the ones questioning why. In my case, left behind again and again and again and again as I watch more and more loved ones pass from this life.


The funeral was on Tuesday. A very moving tribute to a great man that the world seems bleaker without. His wife and children will be moving away to Utah soon to be closer to relatives. On my drive home, I listened to the voice messages on my cell phone. One was from Steve, left that Tuesday before he died. He wanted to know if the kids and I wanted to come over and do a puzzle on Saturday.................
We would have.

flower power

Since I get about 50 hits a day off my sweet friend Nester's blog, they're probably coming over here expecting to see something domestic instead of all the yap yap yapping I do :). Well, it might not be much-- BUT for all you designin' ladies, and all the rest of you too, I thought I'd show you a few pictures of my "babies"---my flowers.


peony from my yard. Love that growing your own flowers always gives you something to cut and bring inside! Because I insist on always having fresh flowers around, this has saved me a bundle :)!




In our last house, we had a couple of bushes, some climbing vines, a few potted topiaries, and bulbs in the spring---but that's about all the work I put into it since I knew we would be moving one day soon. And seven years later we did...



In this house I have discovered a new love for gardening and landscaping. It seems like such an extension of what's going on inside. Besides having a MUCH bigger yard than our last place, this home already had some defined beds and mature trees to work with. It was a challenge keeping what I wanted and ripping out the rest to make it all work with the English country garden feel I love so much, but I'm seeing it start to come together now. It will still take a few years for all the perennials to grow and fill up their spaces, but even the difference between last year and this has been amazing to look at when I compare photos!



Our front porch use to be all brick and it looked pretty gloomy. Plus I'm more of a backyard sitter-- so I ripped out all but a border of it to add something pretty to look at from my front window. Here was that spot in March, right after pruning:




water+sunshine+love, and here was the same spot last week:





My backyard had nothing but California orange poppies to work with, so it was pretty much a blank canvas. Here was the border back in March:
And the next two pictures are of the same spot now:
the poppies are still growing, but mixed with daisies, delphinium, lavender, annuals, and "maiden hair" ornamental grass.


This is my front yard border that use to be nothing but scrubby rose bushes. Now it's got topiaries, Russian sage, and this coriopsis/purple salvia/ bellflower/ and "livewire" ornamental grass combination. It's going to be gorgeous when it all fills in.

And if any of you haven't checked out my other blog Evolution of a Home, you may not have seen the before of my house (September 2006--and this was after ripping the rose bushes out):

and the after: (still makes my heart skip a beat to think that we did all this in just a few months!) So tomorrow we'll get back to discussing life's big and not so big dilemmas, but for today: go smell the flowers!