two years later

Yesterday I took my kids to donuts. I went to my aerobics class. I dealt with a huge limb that broke off my tree. And then I remembered. It took me a good 3 or 4 hours after waking up to remember. I hope that shows progress of some sorts.

But as I was standing by my mailbox surveying the damage the downed tree had done, I remembered that it was Aug. 25 and remembered what that mailbox brought two years earlier.

Final divorce papers.

Those papers that signified that the person I loved the very most in the world would give up everything in his life as he knew it--a large portion of his income, his home and furniture, ownership in his business, his vehicle, and sadly even the joy of tucking his kids in at night, watching them on Christmas morning, or hearing about their days over dinner. None of that was more important to him than getting away from me. Than getting to start some new, percievedly more exciting life washed free of that facade he'd worn for so long.

I knew the papers would be coming some time during that week two years ago. We'd already been separated nearly 5 months, so I thought I would be ok with the final ending. But as my hands grasped that manila envelope and slid it out of that mailbox, I wasn't ok. It was addressed to Jennifer Peterson. That name that I had so happily taken on and become so proud of. Then inside, to his see his signature agreeing that a mere 15% custody was fine with him. I'm glad we didn't fight or battle things out in court, I was just surprised that it all ended so quickly and quietly.

I dropped to my knees right there in the gutter, unable to breath or think or do anything but cry. It was so not the turn I'd expected my life to take. It wasn't what I wanted for myself or my children. I was terrified in every way. I'd tried soooo hard to save my marriage...and lost. And now I had the papers to prove it.

So here I am, two years later. On my worst days: Angry. Teary. Scared. Stagnant. Unsure. Damaged to a point where I wonder if there's enough of the old me to salvage.

On my better days, which I think are most: Funny. Thankful. Smart. Courageous. Kind. Helpful. Creative. Aware of my blessings. Wishing that things could be different, but embracing all I still have.

I used to think that getting married again would be the thing that brought this journey of divorce to an end. But now I realize it's never really going to end, not by a certain gesture or action, anyway. And I certainly don't want to jump into a second marriage that would put me in a worse place than where I was just so I won't have to carry all the emotional pain and worldly work alone. My heart still yearns for love. For a companion. For someone to keep my toes warm. Someone to cook for. Laugh with. Counsel with. Work with. I've been blessed to be "courted" by some really fabulous men along the way and may just be persuaded to take one of them up on their offer....one day....when God tells me it's right.

I guess the thing I'm most aware of and grateful for at the end of this two years is that even though my husband is gone--in more ways than one--he left the best pieces of himself behind: My amazingly wonderful, happy, talented, delightful boys. And they do a mending heart all the good in the world.

second bloom

I find it ironic that I missed the Sunday School lesson on Job yesterday because I had to go home to change my shirt which had started to mysteriously unravel during the first hour of church. Wish I would have stayed. I needed it. Needed a reminder that every thing can be taken from you but never your will and your belief. Summer 2010---you really sucked!

Since June, I have broken my foot and had my insurance make me pay the whole cost as meeting my deductible. My pell grants fell through. I had the whole stopped alimony thing which slashed my budget by 1/3. While my mowing my lawn last week, my 11 year old lawnmower caught on fire (!). A strong windstorm over the weekend broke my beautiful patio furniture. I was at the state fair when that storm hit, and was smacked in the back by a piece of flying shrapnel. And just when I thought it couldn't get any more "fun" -- someone came into my garage during the 1/2 hour this morning when the door was opened and stole my purse from my van.

Did I mention I'm a strict follower of the Dave Ramsey plan? Because, yeah, I am. Someone is having a heyday with the $300-500 dollars I know I had left in my cash envelopes.

I spent all morning in a state of teary numbness making phone calls to cancel all my accounts, get a new drivers license, and figure out how to jiggle my budget around enough to make it through the rest of this month with school supplies for my oldest and more groceries still to be bought. For those of you who have had things stolen before, you know how violated you feel knowing creepy people are looking through your things--the pictures of your children, funny notes written to you, maybe chewing your gum. Ugh.

Anyhow, I guess I could chalk all this up to being some bad luck curse that's been chasing me around for the last several years (I WAS supposed to die when I was 32, you know, death might not have taken lightly to being cheated!). But then I remembered Saturday morning....

My boys were with their dad and I spent several hours working in the yard, trimming and pruning and doing all the work that I won't be able to do once I go back to class this week. I noticed most of my flowers were fading or dead and needed cut back. Once I snipped them, my borders seemed awfully colorless and bare. But, I knew by trimming everything back, in a few weeks, I'd get one more show of flowers to fill everything back in. I'd get--

A second bloom.

I hope that all these less than happy events and setbacks are leading me to my own, personal second bloom. A time when things are a little more calm and a little less scary again. When I can look back without mourning and forward without fear. I hope I can keep remembering the wise purpose in being cut back a bit. What it can lead to.

I'll still take any of those prayers you have to send my way. And of course--that which doesn't kill me....makes for some great writing material.

***Update, 5 hours later: I almost didn't publish this because...my purse was found. At my brother's house where I was last night for a birthday party. They didn't find it when they were cleaning up and my brother swears he saw it behind the seat in my van when he was helping to get my kids in, but they did find it late this afternoon. So after a day at the DMV and the bank, and on hold on the phone for longer than I care to relate, I get everything back in tact. It's almost funny. But only in a ha way, not a ha ha way. However--the second bloom part, still totally true. And that's why I'm publishing this anyway :).

top 10 things i did while my computer was being eaten alive by viruses and therefore rendered useless

10. Finally kicked my camping curse! Pictures to come on Friday.

9. Got a student loan. Not as good as pell grants, but counting it as a happy blessing because it was NOT easy to get this late in the game.

8. Had my lawnmower catch on fire while I was using it! Hooray for the fire extinguisher I bought for my son to pass a boy scout challenge off. Hooray for adventure. And hooray for that student loan to help pay for books so book money can buy a new lawnmower.

7. In addition to my Design Star obsession, I've taken on watching my first season of Project Runway. Luv it! So grateful for computers that let me watch this stuff without paying for TV. And grateful that I now know what a poledancer in Dubai looks like and that I should never dress like one.

6. Sent two of my four boys off to school. We won't say much more than this because it will make me start to cry and then my typing gets all oieru*ifadfe290 (that means bad)

5. I don't know if I should be proud or ashamed to say that in one glorious day of vacation I ate Cookie Crisp cereal, marshmallow circus peanuts, mongolian bbq, marshmallow circus peanuts, fresh kettle korn, a snowcone, corn on the cob, marshmallow circus peanuts, bbq chicken, a Kahlua brownie, and...oh yeah, marshmallow circus peanuts. Hello gym. I will be seeing more of you this week.

4. I let my 4 year old go to the neighbors house to run through the sprinkler and he came back an hour later with some little boy I'd never seen before. When I asked the new boy where he came from he said "I come from the future". Mmmm...ok.

3. In my valiant attempt to stave off that nasty voice that keeps telling me I suck as a writer, I sent off one of my stories to three different publications. I'll let them tell me I suck :).

2. Followed a woman around the grocery store today who, from the back, looked identical to my mother--just because it made me feel happy to think she might turn around and it would actually be my mom. I'm sorry if I creeped you out, grocery store lady. Thanks for giving me a little smile.

AND...

1. I totally learned my lesson that if you let your virus protection (unknowingly) expire for 7 months....it's not good. Thank goodness I know a Ninja who's as handy with computers as he is with swords.

That's all I got people. I'm saving all the exciting, interesting stuff for after y'all get your kids back to school and can get back to doing the important stuff (like reading blogs) uninterrupted. :).

What was the highlight of your summer so far?

jennifer p.'s fall fashion forecast

One of the reasons I continue to drag my tooshie down to the gym 4-5 times a week is so I can read magazines whilst I do my 5 mile kinda-run-thing on the elliptical machine. My gym stocks a large supply of Bow and Hunter, Muscle Flex, and Yachting magazines, as well as all the 5 month old People magazines you want. But, if you look really hard--you'll find one of the coveted Elle's or Vogue's or Marie Claire's hidden behind that Money magazine with the cover ripped off. I'd never spend money on fashion mags myself but when I get to look at them for FREE (and sweat on them too!), then I find them suddenly worth my time.

Anyway, in my years of gym haute couture magazine perusing, I like to think I have become quite the trend spotter. I know you're all dying to see my observations of what the upcoming Fall season holds for us women.....

Let's start with Fall Hair. It appears the look is going to be "purposefully fried" .......

Don't let the gorgeous pictures fool you. Imagine that hair on the soccer mom next to you. I think we used to call people that looked like that "crazy".

The ankle socks with heels trend looks to be carrying over from the Spring. I actually tried this a few times and thought it was cute. But my feet are also constantly freezing, so I look for any reason to put on socks....

I remember seeing a few furry vests around last Fall and thinking "hmmm....Viking", but after 12 months to think about it and see one done up in several cute ways, I was looking forward to getting my own furry vest. But...the fur has moved WAY beyond the vest this season.

There are fur-topped hats that look like they've been stolen off the heads of unsuspecting marching band members:

Fur boots (that I'm sure won't make the average woman's calves look like tree trunks at all. Mmmhmmm):

I'm pretty sure we have Lady Gaga to thank for this one....

And if you haven't had your fill of fur yet, you can stick it on your hands. Like paws. Rawr.:

I'm trying now to picture myself with my frizzed out hair, covered in a giant fur hat, and my socks on with my stilettos and, um, yeah. No.

Of all the pictures I Googled, this one spoke most to what I think I could do with the Fall trends:

That's better :).

Anything you're looking to spruce your wardrobe up with as the season changes?

the sun always rises

I wish I could say that in the 6 days since my last post a few miracles happened. But they didn't. In fact, I got the final email telling me I was for sure ineligible for any pell grant money, and since I already declined the student loan offer thinking I was going to get grant money, it's time to dig up tuition and book money for the next year from....somewhere. Maybe I could go look under Bill Gates couch cushions? :) The call from the realtor also came in informing that, indeed, my house is worth $65,000 less than it was when I bought it for under value not even 4 years ago. I would still owe money on it even if I went with a traditional and not a short sale.

The good thing about real sorrow in my life, and I hope everyone's, is that it never stays. At least not in the intensity it first hits with.

Today we picked up a few school supplies and I cracked open the box of crayons and sniffed deeply. Isn't that an amazing smell? I watched my super self-motivated 12 year old jog around the block like he's been doing morning and night for the last week--excited to start his first year of football and wanting to get a jump on training. I mowed my still dew-kissed lawn this morning with Stan Getz's slow, breathy version of Blue Skies playing in my ears. Listened to my two little ones laughing as they pretended to be dogs and taught each other silly tricks. Took the boys to Dairy Queen after piano lessons and was thrilled to learn they now have MINI-sized blizzards (that's like ice cream without guilt :) ). Such a hearty sprinkling of gold dust blessings even when the big nuggets are scarce.

Never one to just sit and be acted upon without reacting, I'm going forward with some plans to get my situation a little more unstuck. A dear friend of mine started giving me free computer lessons this week so that I can say I'm literate in more than Facebook and Blogspot :). I'm tweaking my resume' and getting registered on Elance and Writers Bistro--places I can hopefully score a ghost writer job or two--enough to supplement our income by a bit each month. I've contacted a public defender to represent me to garnish alimony--if it comes to that. Still hoping that one can be resolved without a fight but I'm not afraid to fight if I have to. Not sure how to cut my budget back by much more, but I'm looking into it. Finally, I will not be giving up on my writing. I know I'm no Hemingway or Faulkner--my mind is simply not of the "genius of my age" class but I'm ok with that. I think I could at least live up to the level of Stephenie Myer or Janet Evanovich. All it takes is that one good idea... and the desire and tenacity to see it through. THAT, I am capable of. Teaching will always remain an option, too. I still can't see the path ahead of me very clearly, but at least I trust God not to lead me off a cliff.

Thank you again for all your kind support, and words of love and advice. Some of my most favorite friends and bloggers commented on that last post and I can't even express how much it meant to me to know I'm not alone. Sometimes it feels as if the whole world is too busy, too consumed with their own plights, or too judgemental to stop and help when a cry goes up. I'm blessed to know that that isn't always so. You are all so good. Life is so good. I'm glad the sun is up today.