She sent a copy of the program and life sketch from my grandpa's funeral last week. He died suddenly around Thanksgiving, in the exact way my other grandpa did last year. I'm down to one (step) grandma. I've been visiting her a lot lately. My Grandpa Engen was an amazing man. Came over from Norway and took full advantage of every opportunity America offered--becoming a successful engineer and avid outdoorsman. He had abbreviated limbs and no thumbs, but there was nothing he couldn't do. He use to take our family out for Chinese food every time he visited. He taught me how to fish. My brother is named after him. He will be missed.
See the baby picture? That's my dad. I've never seen a photo of him as a baby before. I couldn't stop looking at it. James looks like him. James looks like me. I look like my dad.
Aunt Karla sent me the shoes he was wearing in the picture too.
She also sent a photo of my mom and dad she had. I happened to already have that picture, but it was still strange to pull it out and see it again. To remember: I had parents once. Mom's been gone almost 3 years now, and it's been 29 years since my dad was killed in an auto accident. It was, and still is, kind of a heartsick feeling to not be anyone's "daughter" anymore. I love my in-laws, and they will surely forever claim me as their own, but there's no one who can answer questions for me about what I use to do as a baby, or re-tell the stories from my early childhood, or tell me about my great-grandparents.
It's lonely.
I seem to have had a lot of loss in my life--parents, grandparents, aunts, dear friends. It's given me wisdom beyond my years, but sometimes I think I'd trade all that wisdom in for some understanding arms to wrap around me. To hear my mom's voice calling me her "baby girl" again. To spend time with my dad, even for just a day or two, and get to see all the ways I'm like him. I've been told for years how I do this or that "just like Greg"---but I'd never know since my memories of him are pretty limited.
I made a comment on my friend Becky's blog the other day. Her husband, Duane, passed away of cancer recently. She and her seven children are going on on their own now. Before he died, he let her know that she was stronger than she thought.
I've heard that one a lot too. You're so strong Jennifer. How do you do it? The answer: You just do it when you have no choice. You can either sit around and feel sorry for yourself and overwhelmed all the time; or you can find your strength, get some Divine help, gather up the pieces, and push forward with a smile.
Here's what I told Becky:
I am weeping with you right now. It SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO sucks to HAVE to find out how strong you are. I've had to discover it numerous times over the past few years, and I feel often like just shouting ENOUGH! IT'S ENOUGH ALREADY! DON'T YOU KNOW THAT I'M GOING TO CHOOSE TO FOLLOW YOU NO MATTER WHAT LORD?! THAT MY FAITH IS UNSHAKABLE?! MUST WE KEEP TESTING IT LIKE THIS?!And then I get my wits about me. And I feel His peace. And I reflect on my life and the wisdom I've gained, the refining process that has done so much to make me who I am. And the blessings I still have. And the shortness of this life. And the answers we'll all get one day.Hang in there sweetheart. Just cling to your faith and your children. Keep finding those quotes that help you through. It gets easier, or at least hard in a more manageable way. Much love to you, and prayers going out in your behalf.
~I guess it's a blessed thing when I can find comfort in the words I'm trying to comfort another with.~
If I could leave you with any message to ponder this Christmas season, it would be this: Please remember that life is so short. Never leave the house angry. Never let an argument go unresolved, or forgivable offenses go unforgiven.
You just never know.....
Go hug the ones you love right now.
and ***Merry Christmas***
58 comments:
SOB. Excellent reminder. For ourselves... and also to show compassion for others.
I DON'T know how you or Becky feel, but know that this sister is praying for you both. HE knows.
We pray for you often, and our thoughts are with you, too.
Thanks Jennifer. For, as you always do saying the things so many of us feel and for reminding us what life is really about, at Christmas and all year
WOW! Big lump in my throat!! I have lost loved ones in my life, but not my parents. I can't imagine the feeling. Even though they are thousands of miles away, I can pick up the phone and call them. Bless you Jennifer P!
~From another Jennifer P. :-)
Thanks for this post Jen. So beautiful. I even shed a couple tears! (: I love you and think of you often. I'm praying for you and your friend now too.
thanks for the crying fit this morning. Not good timing since I am still waiting for home health to bring stuff for my daughter and I am an emotional wreck anyways thinking about how lonely I am without my mom here to make me Santa cookies and to tell me how wonderful I am and to clean my house when she baby sits for me, or to take her to McDonald's for her favorite 39 cent hamburger, although I am pretty sure it would cost me a buck about now. Being strong sucks! I sometimes wish that God didn't have as much faith in me as he does but then I remember to be Steadfast and Immovable and that despite all of it one day I will be in my moms arms see my loved ones and no longer have to hope...
Could you type in a bigger font please because I can't see beyond these tears!
I lost my dad when I was 29 (as you know) and my mom 7 yrs. ago. My MIL died before we had children. My grandparents have been gone a long time. I have my moments when I just sit down and cry also.
Yes, I have alot of wisdom, but I miss my kids not having grandparents. Not being able to call my dad for advice.
But, I choose to trust my heavenly Father. We will overcome!
Take care,
Lisa Q
this post hit home and brought tears to my eyes.
I lost my Father just two short years ago. Already, I miss those stories he used to tell over and over and over, that I thought I would (die) if I had to hear AGAIN.
If only I could hear them ONE MORE TIME.
THANKS Jennifer!!!
Merry Christmas to you too!!!
Oh so true. If only we didn't have to find all of that strength that is burried deep inside each of us. And, I guess there are those who never do find the strength. I'm so glad you have.
My family is also sad this time of year. We're about to lose a loved one. She's 23. Life just sucks! But for myself and my family, I'm searching for that inner strength. Sometimes I find it, other times I don't.
Thanks for your words. What a great package you received. And a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU!!!!
~I guess it's a blessed thing when I can find comfort in the words I'm trying to comfort another with.~
your most poignant sentence of all....
So good...so sad...just truth in its raw form. That's what kind of writer you are....about these sorts of things anyway.
very good...
I can relate. My grandpa died last year of cancer... a long painful, slow death... and we spent our last Thanksgiving with him. He's my dad's dad, and was SUCH a wonderful man. So loving and kind, he loved to tease and constantly gave to others. I cried after we left knowing that it was the first and last time Quincy would ever meet my grandpa.
Before he past (a afew days after a left) he held Quincy in his arms, which took great effort, and talked with him. It was so tender to see him so close to the veil and Quincy so freshly new to this world. I will never forget that!
Much love to you Jennifer Peterson, this Christmas holiday.
This makes me realize how LUCKY I am to still have all four grandparents, as loony as they're becoming in old age, and both my parents, as much as they sometimes drive me crazy.
I say you pump Aunt Karla for stories big time--but you probably already have.
Keep plugging Jennifer--you're mybest example of how to have a good attitude no matter what happens to you.
At least now you have mystery man, right? Maybe?
Life is too short and especially now we need to dhow more love, we need to give compasion and shirk off the world and just be the amazing people that the Lord sees in us. I love this reminder that you have given me. Consider yourself hugged too!!!
Wonderful post Jennifer! Such great advice. The one thing I regret most is not talking with my Dad more, taking more pictures, just appreciating him more while he was alive. You never know what is going to happen and you just need to treasure each moment with those you love and express your feelings.
Thanks so much and big ((hugs))!!!
Jen
God that was beautiful.
Thank you.
that was such a great reminder for us all. thanks, as always, for sharing. merry christmas jennifer!
May Jesus be those understanding arms wrapped around you, like you've never known before.
Thank you for the Christmas message--one we all need to hear.
Love,
Daja
Wow - this is a sobering but important message. I know you've been told my me and many, many others before - but you ARE strong. I didn't realize how much you've been through. It really is just too much for one person. Hopefully your trials are over and better days are ahead. Be thankful for those boys and (as Aubrey said) Mystery Man. ;)
Yep, life is too short. So sad that we have to be reminded of that. Your dad was awfully cute!
"You just never know..", so true. My mom's brother passed away rather suddenly last year. She has a lot of regrets...I wish I could relate better with you though. I'm sorry that someone like me can't provide you with words that will TRULY be of comfort to you.
I'll be praying and may God bless and comfort you always...
I've given you an award by the way :)! Check out my blog for more details.
You are truly wise, as bittersweet as that is. Thank you for the timely reminder.
About an hour after i read your post I got a phone call that a family member died last night. I must say that having just read your sweet words gave me exactly the right words to comfort loved ones. You always amaze me.
Okay girl...goosebumps are popping all over me. Well said... well said. I just can't even say anything else right now.
I too have lost both my parents. My dad going on 19 years and mom 5. I know what you are saying about being stronger. I have lost a brother, bestfriend, nephew to name a few. I believe God gives you an inner strength. When we found out my mom had cancer my twin and I took care of her. Now if anyone would of told me 6 month before that, that I was going to do that I would of said your nuts. I didn't believe I was strong enough to prepare my mother for death. But, I did it and I am glad I was there when she drew her last breath. Now I don't want to have to rely on that inner strenght again for a LONG, LONG time.
I see you are kinda seeing someone and I am VERY happy for you. Even though I don't KNOW you I have read about your ups and downs and I am rooting for you. Happy Holidays to you and your boys
love you girl!
I have no wise words and anything i say would probably wreck it all up but have i told you lately that i adore you?
Merry Christmas!
I cried most of the way through this, and managed to keep from sobbing at the end. Even now, typing I still have tears in my eyes.
I can't imagine the pain that you have gone through in loosing both your parents..or the pain your friend has gone through in loosing her husband and having 7 kids to take care of on her own.
But you sure did put things in perspective. I needed this post from you. Thank you.
...you are someone to be admired.
Thank you so much! You have brought tears to my eyes. I have just wrote a post about feeling depressed and asking for "words of wisdom" and something brought me to you."Let it be" is playing. Thanks (sobbing) ~Lori
Jennifer, you make me cry way too often. . . but I love the things you say. You say them so well. I have often said I don't want to know how strong I am, because it hurts to have to find out. But you live your life remarkably well and I, for one, admire you greatly.
Thank you. It's all that there is left to say.
I'm sure it's very hard to stay strong, I know that from a personal level it IS hard......sometimes it just feels like I'm floating around through the day or through life. I hate that feeling and don't wanna just glide by.
That was really nice of your aunt to send you those things. I bet it's neat getting to look at pictures and seeing that they remind of your son.
Thank you for the reminder about not taking our parents for granted. I feel lucky to still have mine and my grandmother on my mom's side.
I'm sad about your friend that's husband passed away, that' awful.
Go hug those boys and have a GREAT evening. Hey, go give MM a call! Smiles!!!!
Thanks for sharing.
I came to thank you again. Your post inspired me to write the post I have wanted to write for a long time. I finally had the strenght to do it.
The last tears.
They are all gone now.
With love Ida
I can't stay away from your blog. You really are incredible. Thanks for your sweet message. I'm serious, publish your blog. I would buy it. (And I'd make everyone I know buy it, too.)You've got a special way of writing that just makes us love you without ever having met you!! And it makes us wish, hope and pray that you be showered with blessings and happiness!!
How crazy that in order to be able to reach out and touch so MANY, you have to go thru the pain to explain it, feel the heartache to emphasize with another. There is the double-edge sword again!
Beatiful post!
-- and there is where that faith comes in again. Sometimes I just have to chant that in my mind to get through. Thinking of you.
Thanks for your post. It was beautiful.
Your faith is an inspiration. Thank you for being open about what you go through...and yet not shying away from what is so core to who you are!
I cannot wait to hug by best friend this week and be with my boyfriend...they've been away to school and I plan on savoring every minute. Not to mention building memories with my immediate family!
And the strength thing is sooo true...wow. Great post.
I have lost a lot of family members recently. And my mom has borne the brunt of that. With her dad dying...then her brother...then an uncle...and then my dad. All in the span of about 18 months. I wish my family would get together for events other than funerals...
Oh, there are some fat tears rolling down my face right now. . .
My Dad passed when I was 16, so my Mom was widowed at 40 with 3 kids. She says, now, years later, that it is so hard having him gone because she can't share the memories of our family with him.
The wisdom I have learned in that is to constantly tell my children things about themselves, what they did when they were 1, silly songs they made up, etc. Because I want them to know those things.
And thank the Lord for blogging, because it's a chronicle of memories in the making. Days when I forget the importance of those things, I read your blog and you so graciously (and in such an entertaining and enjoyable manner) remind me of the importance of doing so.
Bless you, dear one. Bless you.
-Sarah
thank you for such a beautiful reminder to hug on our loved ones while we still have them here. I am sorry that you feel lonely sometimes and I pray that you know just how precious you are to so many--even those, like me, who know you only through your words on this blog. Your ability to share your reality so candidly takes us from laughter to tears... it is a lovely read.
A hard post to read but better for the reading. Thank you, Jennifer...
Oh my...so sorry to hear about your dad and your losses. You are such a strong person. Thank you for sharing and for the reminder.
BAWLING. I'm just so sad all the time right now and I need to snap out of it. Life IS too short and so much can change while you're not looking.
Love you, girlie.
Did you say you are not "anyone's daughter?"
Oh, my dear...but you are. You have always been their daughter and you will always be HIS daughter.
I will not pretend to understand how you're feeling in all of this, but I will say that you are amazing for writing about it and sharing it with us. I love your Aunt Karla for sending you that box of memories.
Thank you for the reminder to live the present, while having eyes fixed on Eternity. I needed to hear this today.
Wow, what a great post. We almost lost my Mom this year and I give thanks everyday that she is still will us. I am very thankful for the Lords blessing.
May you have a Merry Christmas.
Lisa
Just wanted to reach out and squeeze your hand.
Jennifer thank you so much for the comforting words. When I seem to be getting into a sad funk something like this always comes along to lift my tired spirit. I miss him dearly and as time passes it does seem to increase, the longing to hold him, kiss him, laugh with him. But what a comfort I have felt in the knowledge of our eternal lives together, of the sweet blessings of the atonement of the sure knowledge that I am not really alone.
Your post was beautiful, thank you friend.
Beautiful post. Your wisdom has helped so many others find comfort. Here is a big, ole, hug from me.
I have had to find out a couple times in my life, too, how strong I am. I always try to think of how worse I can have it.
And even if you are strong, you can have moments when you are weak :)
This was really touching. I can't imagine not having my parents. We live far away from each other and yet they are still a part of my daily life. I sometimes wonder how I will handle it when they go.
OH man, you are so right, but I hate that you have to feel these emotions.
My heart broke for you reading these words. Strength is one thing, but you deserve to have someone wrap their arms around you and give you their strength. You are such a special person...I can "see" it in your writing. Your heart is huge and I hope it will someday feel healed. You deserve it so much...
Take care, Jennifer, and have a very Merry Christmas,
Linda
i'm not really good with words but i wanted to thank you for this entry...it's sad and uplifting at the same time. i can't imagine what you have gone through jennifer! unfortunately, i know that one day i will. have a very Merry Christmas! JON
Hi, I came over from Somthin' to Talk About. I love your blog and this post was very touching. I do not know what all you have gone through but your outlook and joy is amazing! It helps encourage me and I thank you for that! Merry Christmas!
I know what you mean about being "nobody's daughter." My mom is in her 80th year and is starting to not be able to follow conversations or remember what was just said a minute or two ago. I feel like I am on the verge of being an orphan. My dad has been gone for 15 years, all my grandparents, one child, and various other family members. I feel so guilty when my mom shares old pictures with me of people who were important to her and I have no idea who they are or why they are important. I am afraid she will be lost and forgotten, and in turn, I and my husband will be also. I am grateful for your reminder to hold on to each other and accept each member for their individuality, to love them for them selves because there may come a time when you wish that you had. I will share one thing. As much as we miss those we have lost, they too miss us in their own way. They too will rejoice when the day comes to meet again. That is why Heaven is filled with joy, because it overflows with love.
It's such a small world. I was randomly blog-hopping when I came upon your blog. Becky is in the ward my best friend from high school and I grew up in. My friend's husband was killed in a car accident three months ago, and she just moved back home with her three boys...back to the same ward we grew up in, the ward with Becky in it now. The Lord sends us tender mercies in the most amazing ways.
Again, what a small world that you would know Becky.
Beautiful.
I'm sorry that you have had to experience so much grief. You never know how strong you are until you look back on those experiences. My mom asks me frequently "How do you do it?"---I just do. I have no other choice-just do it and enjoy it.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
that was a really great post!
Always remember that you are still someones daughter.....the Lord loves his precious daughter Jennifer and he is always watching out for you, loving you, and calling you by name!
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