So I had my final poetry class tonight. A one-on-one sit down interview with my professor about the portfolio I'd turned in. It didn't have to be work from just this semester either-- so I threw a few of my poems from 1994 and 1999 and 2003 in there. It was good to get a serious critiquing from someone whom I came to respect as a poet (although I still say he dressed like a homeless person :) ).
Overall he said he was very impressed with my work. That I was writing at a professional, defined voice level. That he loved my use of imagery. That he loved the way I could look at a "plain something" in the world and make the off-kilter and even bizarre out of it.
But then he said something that was so poignant to me that it almost felt like a smack upside the head:
"I feel like there is something more brewing under so many of these lines. That you're thinking or feeling something "more" and I want you to just explode with the idea. But then you tend to just bring it all safely back under control and end on a beautiful, quiet note. I don't know how long it might take you---but I want you to write 39 rotten poems that you don't share with anyone. I want you to make things ugly. I want you to just let loose. You know you can always return to what you're doing now--- just take a risk".
Hmmmmm........
I don't know.
That statement of his was pretty reflective of my life.
I think I might be a little refined,a bit quiet at times, and even....boring.
I do have a lot under the surface that, after a lot of years of practice, I control in a quiet--even beautifully quiet--way. I never looked at it as a bad thing before, but---
Do I want "to get ugly"? To "explode"? Would I be a better, more clear, more interesting person if I just let loose from time to time? Would I REALLY be able to come back to what I am right now--unscathed? I think I might be too afraid to find out.....
Just like I don't know that I could ever write the 39 bad poems, when I know I already have that one really good one in me that-- if I just work at it-- can be coaxed out.
Yup. I never have been one for taking many risks.
I did get an A in poetry though!
~That says something important too, doesn't it?~
Here's one last poem of mine to send y'all out with:
ANNIVERSARY
Beneath this wash of quarter moon light
Our bodies show their age.
Turnings of years and months
Leaving them with a patina
Like verdigris or moss on bronze
Skins earned with time.
Now your familiar arms,
Green and persuading,
Hold tight the warm center of me
Reducing my blood to laughter
As night wraps its thick smile around us.
*****Now, let's make this about YOU! If you could do one crazy, soooooo "not you" thing---what would it be?*****
44 comments:
I've never been one who wanted to do something crazy to myself like tattoo www.theboysquad.blogspot.com on myself :)..... but I would love to just tell someone how I feel withougt thinking about it soooooo much!
Hmm...something un-me and crazy. I've always wanted to dye my hair an extreme color and cut it short, like a pixie cut. But if I did that I'd have to explain myself to Jared, to my mother, and countless others....it seems too exhausting. I enjoyed your poem. Congratulations on the A!
I would also love to remember to proofread my own comments before I hit publish--as they always seem to be o'erfraught with mistakes.
Ah well :)
I too would love to be able to say exactly what I'm thinking and not have it come back to bite me in the you-know-what. :) It feels like I spend way too much time feeling bad about something I said wrong, and writhing under guilt.
I hope you write those poems. It would be worth a shot, and maybe cathartic? You've been through so much and you're such an inspiration. But, you have to have a way to let that stuff out too.
Wow, the SECOND person on your blog seems like a "crazy un-me thing!" ;-)
I would have to say that it would be to go off an a vacation I totally cannot afford and enjoy every minute of it even though I have debt and bills up to my eyeballs.
BUT, then again, it's me....and I couldn't justify it.
Great job on the A!!
Congrats on your A!!!
Hmmm...something sooooo not me.
Probably have to go with one of the above comments and cut my hair like Tink, and perhaps color it a true red. I'd love to color my hair Anne of Green Gables red, but I'd have to peroxide it since it's so dark already, and I'm not really willing to do it.
You should SO get your tattoo! How freakin' cool is that?
;)
Okay, I'm not lurking quite as frequently altho' you are still hands down a FAVE! ;0) I truly want to be you "when I grow up!" Don't you just dig the restaurant with the cinnamon rolls "as big as your head?!" That whole area is at the top of the God's Country List!
Congratulations on the "A." You definitely deserve it in many areas of life...Attitude, Motherhood, Resiliency, Humor, POETRY...
Skydiving...definitely one of the most insane things one can do in the throes of Motherhood ( definitely fits the description of "so not me")...other than attempting to look like Cher without the figure to "match!" ;0) ( And my 5 boys STILL think that you're the BOMB!) I still need to "show" you why... ;0)
Are you sure that poet guy isn't a wannabe therapist?
I gotta agree, though...I think we all have 'sumthin' brewing under the surface. And you have such a way with words, it could be beautiful to see it on paper....post the 39 bad drafts ;)
As far as the UN me thing?
It would be to sing on tour....
something I'm capable of, but not gutsy enough to market...or sacrifice my fabulous day-to-day life!
Rock on Jen, I love stoppin by to watch you think 'out loud'
When I said 'post the 39 bad drafts'
I meant AFTER/Post the bad drafts!
How's that for not proofreading?!?!
I am so "safe" that I can't even come up with a risk I would take. You do have me thinking though.
BTW...Will you be sharing your Thanksgiving dessert recipe? That cobbler looked amazing.
I am already impulsive. So I am not sure that doing something crazy is a good thing :-) However, I want my nose pierced. But something is holding me back...
Sounds like it was an amazing class!
I believe that being disciplined or controlled is harder than letting loose. But, you are a poet, and you have to give yourself permission to "go there". I say, write the ugly, and see what comes out of it. It doesn't mean you have to "go there" every time you write a poem, but you may reveal an aspect or perspective you can use as your voice. Anniversary is lovely. Thanks for sharing that.
If I could do anything without any consequences or guilt, I'd attend a World Series of Poker event. Tatoo would be a close second.
Jennifer, I say take that risk and see what you come up with. It seems scarey but just see....just because your teacher thinks your thoughts might explode doesn't necessarily mean anger or bad nasty thoughts. You might surprise yourself.
I on the other hand have lots of things brewing in my head but cannot pinpoint one certain thing that I wanna go out and do. Be on Sat. Night Live, I'd love that.
oh my, now that IS a question. i think that i'm with you. taking the risk is almost too scary. i'm not sure that i could (or want to ) return back to what i think that i should be if i let loose some ugly.
what an astute fella...glad you got an A though. :)
Congrats on your A! With poems like that it is certainly much deserved!
I think it would be great to just write poems with all your emotions - both quiet and 'dirty' ones - although maybe not 'dirty, dirty'. Haha! It could be good to get all of those feelings out on paper... even if you never ever shared them with anyone.
I would definitely have to think long and hard to answer your question.... But on a lighter not, perhaps I would karaoke! I'm not a very good singer but I do love to sing. Sometimes I wish I could just stand up and sing out loud - good or bad - and not care, just have a great time like that. Ha! I'm much too considerate of others' hearing though.
I haven't really thought of sooooo not me things to do lately--ironic, since I'm such a dreamer. Oh, write children's books and actually be successful, which I doubt would really happen if I tried.
You can get ugly and explode, as long as you don't start acting totally nuts like Lord Byron and his home fries, taking off to Italy and being incestious, or just plain immoral, and drinking wine out of skulls and whatever else nutso things they did for the sake of "art".
Congratulations on the A!!!
Let loose with some ugly? I just don't know. This is out of my league!!
Lisa Q
I wish I had more reserve. I tend to say what I am thinking before thinking! It's not usually good. I wish I was more diplomatic like my husband. It's funny how I can say just what I mean on paper but in real life, not so much.
That, and I would love to be the kind of woman who just jumped in a car and drove to the big city and went shopping all day. I don't do city driving. But I wish I did. It becomes a little limiting. I am always telling my daughter to be brave and just do it. . .perhaps I am a bit of a hypocrite.
I'm with you...not much of a risk taker. I'm glad my Brian is :) Gosh, I'm gonna have to mull over that question you asked...I'm having such a hard time coming up with something crazy...I never let myself really go there. I'm sad.
Okay...this is sooo lame...but crazy for me would be to let laundry pile sky high. I'm so boring. If you figure out how to get really messy and crazy...would you share?
I think I'm doing my crazy un-me thing right now with allowing Jarom to quit a nice salary job. :) And sometimes, it would be nice to yell at the checkers in Walmart to hurry it up a little. :)
sounds like a great teacher :)
something crazy?? goodness, i guess it would be conformity, ha ha
Oh, the things you give me to think on...and I do have to think on this.
Congrats on your "A." You deserve all A's, all the time.
If i could do one "sooooo crazy not me thing" i would probably put the lid down on the toilet after using it because my wife allways makes that request of me and i still have never done it.
P.S. We are looking forward to meeting you this weekend!
I scoff at the idea of you ever being boring. Whatevah!
If I could let loose, I guess it would be a really crazy dance. I'm a physical kind of person.
ohhhh Good for you :o)Oh how I wish I could write.
hmmmmm a crazy thing...well I've done quite a bit...and I'm a good girl...so let's see.
you got me on that one...I think it would go against who I want to be...maybe that is why you are having trouble with the assignment???
~simply~
One crazy thing, huh? I've always been SO reserved, really. Maybe not boring, but certainly not a risk-taker. You've got me thinking.
Congrats on the A!
This is going to sound awful but I think if I was born with a different body I probably would have been a lot umm haha "looser" than I was. I am such a "good" girl...but now that I'm married that thought is totally gone! haha
I have always wanted to be a race care driver. So each year my Dad and I go race go-karts and tkae over the track. I get to live the fantasy and not get the your what from people.
I am going to e-mail a seperate comment to you......♥
I probably need to be MORE controlled... i do uncontrolled and undisciplined WAY too well.
I like the colored, short hair idea. But I'd have a lot of explaining to do too. I'm not sure it's wild or crazy but I would like to write a book and submit it no matter what anyone thinks.
What a cool outlet. Man, hard question. I don't know what to answer. You are going to have me thinking for awhile on this one!
I'm too impressed that you remembered in such detail what the brilliant homeless man professor said. Of course, it was extremely insightful, so I'm sure it would have stuck with me as well.
I really really liked his advice. Really. Its a great thing for a writer to think that way.
I've pretty much done all the crazy things that came to mind...yes, including the tattoo.
The poem at the end made the picture at the top perfect.
Give me more poetry.
You love words like I love words.
You do them them proud.
hmmmm... maybe sing karaoke by myself in front of strangers. I have sung karaoke in a group, but not just me. Or maybe I have. It's kinda hard to remember. anyway, they are going to start having Karoake nights here on post so I may try it :)
Um, first I need to go look up verdigris in the dictionary (that's pretty crazy)...
Okay, I think I would do that bungee ride at amusement parks or go sky diving or something. Cause that's totally not something I would normally do.
Or maybe, if I wanted to get really crazy, I would clean my whole house in one day. Yep...real risk taker...that's me.
I LOVE the way you write.........I've always suspected you have a lot more depth that you share here, but I think what you do show is revealing about the kind of person you are, which is someone I know I'd love to be friends with in person. I'm not a risk taker, and I'm not sure if I was going to get "ugly" I'd do it 30 times writing poetry! :)
Congrats on that A. I'm not surprised.
If I could let loose and do something I wouldn't normally do, I'd tell someone what I really thought instead of trying to be diplomatic. :)
I am with your professor. Let it all hang out.... No one has to read it. You can even rip it up and throw it away. Just getting it out on paper can bring things into perspective. It can even help get rid of some of the ugly that has happened. You will still be your same fun, cute, creative self.
You are soooo awesome! I can't believe you can do all this! Way to go! You inpsire!
Oh and there are several things mentioned above that I would so do!
Congratulations on your A! If I could do one thing that "isn't me"...you know...I don't know what I would do...if I have an impluse, I generally act on it.
oh. this. post.
This is your post I read just before my fateful injury and.I.couldn't.get.the.topic out of my head.
I couldn't....and still can't.
I've been obsessing over what my opinion is on the matter...every.day.
go ugly?
stay pretty?
is it bad/good/wrong/right?
I just really can't pin this thought down!
My first thought was to just pass the professor's thoughts off and sweep them under the rug, but more importantly, protect my Jennifer friend from ANY criticism.
But then I couldn't get his (or was it a her) thoughts out of my brain. I thought, "is there really anything dangerous about 'going there'?"
You know? I think that done wrong, those thoughts can lead to some destructive things. I think you can poison your mind to such a state that you really can't come back from it once you "go there". I guess I'm wrapped up in a kind of fear that I worry that once you think you can (once not permitted) permit yourself to think that things that were once "not okay" are now okay....it will change you. I don't know if this is a silly fear or not...
I do understand that all of us are human, and all of us are tempted (and some indulge) in one way or another to think of things, to go to naughty places in our minds.
I think it would take a very talented writer to display these feelings with control. I don't really even know if it's possible? Can you write about the ugly places we all go from time to time, and do it with pretty ribbons and tidiness?
Why do I feel I have typo overload in my paragraphs?
Anyway, I'm still a hung jury on this topic, and until I see it done, I will continually be afraid to go to the "G-rated" Stephen King thoughts, or any ugliness that's just out there!
Did I make a point? I don't think so.. not a one, but I sure love a good topic.
Thanks for making me think....professor, and you Jennifer. I wonder if I'll ever answer this question for myself? Hmmmmmm...'twill have to be revealed at some later point in life I "spose".
Uhhh, I'm so curious to see what you think now! Have you had any more thought on this? So curious.
....by "naughty" I mean "ugly", not (oh, I hate to say this word...but) ppp..oorn.
yuck.
my husband told me once that people generally use the word "naughty" to describe that sort of thing. I forget sometimes. Anyway, just thought I would clear that up, in case I was not clear.
Lol...I'm laughing because the first thing that came to mind was to kiss my boyfriend! (Context--we have decided not to kiss, probably until marriage but forsure until engagement. Yes, there is a reason, but I don't have time to type it all right now lol)
uhm....I would talk more in class and not be so self-conscious about my humor, maybe?
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