oh the things that pop up

 My mom made a fabulous comparison once: She said that trials in life are like a game of Whack-a-Mole. As soon as you smack one down, another one pops up...but at least you're having fun playing. So true. At least I think I'm having fun. Maybe I'm having soooo much fun that it's time for someone else to have a little fun for a while? :)

Went in to my advisor on Monday with my well laid out, downright brilliant plan to swing the 25 credits next semester. I needed him to sign off on me taking more than the normal allowed 21. I spoke to him clearly and calmly; explained to him what I planned on doing, how I planned on doing it, and why I needed to do it. I answered all his questions. Then he left me alone in his office for fifteen minutes and when he came back he said,  "No. I don't think you can do that. I'm not going to put my signature on this paper. You can go over my head to the department chair if you want."

I wanted to punch the guy in the face.  Never have liked him. I didn't though, but rather I shook his hand and thanked him for his honesty. Trying not to cry, I walked out of his office, caught my breath, and went to see the department chair. I gave him my same spiel, though I'm sure I was looking a little more panicked by that time. He's going to "think about it". I should know next week. Whack. Whack. Whack.

As if that wasn't enough, I found out that same afternoon that my ex has no more dental insurance for the boys. They were due for 6 month check ups and I had no idea how I could cover them, being barely able to pay my own $425 a month insurance premium. So, I figured since I was already standing at the station, I'd just fully hop on the desperation train. On my way home from the university, I stopped off at the Health and Welfare office to see about dental medicaid.

I remember my mom telling me she had to go on welfare for a while right after my dad died, was on it for a year and worked like the dickens to get off. She instilled in us to only ever use services like that as a very last means to ensure there would always be enough for those people who really, really needed them. I didn't know if I was to that point of really, really needing yet but it sure felt like it.

I entered the building and was bossed into a line by an old security guard. As I surveyed the people around me, I saw a lot who looked as uncomfortable as I did. I met the gaze of one woman whose eyes seemed to be saying the same thing as mine: "How did we get here?"

I could hear the pride in me screaming: "I don't want to 'qualify' for anything that I don't earn through my own hard work and talents!" I almost stormed out of there...but then I thought of my boys. With lack of alimony cutting our budget by a third, we really could use some extra help right now. So I stayed in the line. And turns out that as a full time student, I qualify for all kinds of stuff. Sigh. Bittersweet news. I'll just take the dental coverage for now, keep working my budget like a pro, and save the rest of the offerings for when we might really, really need them.

And then I went out to my van and pounded my head on the steering wheel and alternated between crying and crazy person laughing for a little while--Remembering it really wasn't so long ago that I was something, someone completely different. And how did it all change so quickly?! There are amazingly wonderful things I have learned about myself over the course of the last 2 1/2 years. Things I really love. Things I wouldn't want to change. But I suppose until I fully purge the part of me that would just like to have everything put back together like it was, I'll never be able to gladly embrace all aspects of this new life.

Are my posts starting to sound like broken records yet? Because they sure feel like them! I know we tend to remember the past as happier than it actually was; think of the present as worse than it is; and worry that the future will be less resolved that it probably will be. I get that..sometimes it's just too hard to shake off all the heavy chains of "what if's " and "why me's?". All I know for sure right this moment is that I'm going to keep whacking  moles till God takes my mallet away and hands me my prize. I want the giant, four foot teddy bear, please.

p.s. Did I mention my cell phone also fell in the toilet on Monday and broke? Yeah...that was awesome, too. On second thought, I want the six foot bear.