what i'll do differently this time

One of the biggest emotional suitcases I drug around with me post-divorce was the sad, heavy, persistent question: What did I do wrong? 

I thought if I could just plug in some answer to that question, I'd have time to save my marriage. Even after I realized the saving wasn't possible, I still beat myself up with the question because I wanted to fix whatever may have been "wrong" with me before I even started to THINK about moving on.

Really, for the entirety of my 13 year marriage, I felt I woke up and tried my hardest to be the best wife I could every. single. day.  We held hands, we kissed, we dated, we prayed together, we worked together, we laughed together, we pursued interests separately and with one another, we didn't leave the house or go to bed angry, didn't speak badly--even jokingly-- of one another to anyone. I didn't know what more or better I could have done, but if I did--I would have done it. 

Not that I didn't have the occasional bad day, or selfish day, or lazy day, or weepy PMS day, or completely overwhelmed with the kids, hand the baby off to Brad as soon as he walked in the door, and drive directly to the Dairy Queen day...but they were the exception not the norm. Even Brad reassured me, repeatedly, that I had been the perfect wife and mother and that it was him, not me, who had the problems. In the end (with thanks to some therapy) I came to accept that, while I wasn't perfect (who is?), nothing I had done warranted what was ultimately done to me. 

Learning and really accepting that helped me forgive myself, forgive Brad, trust again, and begin to look towards the future and maybe even a re-marriage at some point with hope. 

All that being said, it doesn't mean that I haven't given a lot of thought to what I want to do differently this time.  A lot of those different things I want to do are simply because Mr. Perfect is a different man who appreciates and enjoys different things than Brad.  Our work set up and schedules will be different, as will our family dynamic. And we both come into the marriage like dogs you adopt from the pound--extremely grateful and aware of any kindness shown to us because we have known what it is to be alone, scared and struggling for a length of time.

So this time...

*Instead of taking on the budget myself (which I did in my previous marriage), I will share in the finances so that both of us are aware at all times of what is going in or out. Much less room for blaming in that situation, much less ulcer-like stress on one person to "make it work," and much easier to work together to get to our temporal goals.

*Not fall so into routine that I forget to be spontaneous. Running a family of six kids will entail a certain degree of routine and repetition to keep everyone on track--and it's stressful to get off track-- but I don't want to be so beholden to a routine that I pass up an opportunity to go catch sand crabs on the beach (right now!) or make a perfectly lovely mess of the entire house in the name of fun. 

*Accept more help. From Mr. Perfect, from kids, from whomever. Living as a single woman these last years has humbled me enough to ask for help when I need it, and realize what a blessing I'm often giving to allow others to help me. I don't have to do it all alone. I'm not weak if I need an extra pair of hands. This is powerful to know.

Finally--

*Never let a chance for a kind word or compliment go untaken. Remembering that every word I say or don't say; every thing I do or don't do; every thought I let my mind rest upon and every direction I let those thoughts go MAKES A DIFFERENCE. Life really is about the sum of our small, daily choices. It has always been my nature to be kind and giving but it has cemented itself in more than ever now. 

Before people could just strike a flint or a match or a Bic and make fire in a few seconds, you had to protect the fire you had. Nurture it. Care for it. Watch over it at all times to make sure it didn't go out. It was a lifeline,  a protection against danger, warmth and security. I think that's the perfect visual for a marriage. Do not look at it as disposable.  Take care of it. Be nice.  It's really not so hard :)

For more great advice on holding a marriage together, take a read here (this guy and I share a blogging brain!)