Dear Daughters of Mine,
I know you have only been my daughters for 8 months now. I know, technically, you're not really mine. I know I could never produce girls as beautiful as you had you actually come from my genes--the ladies in my family just don't have hair like yours, or noses, or golden, glowing skin (though we do have backsides that inspire rap artists. Sometimes those come in handy). But I think you've been in my heart all along. I would never change being the boy mom I am but I'd be lying if I didn't say I strolled through the baby girl department with each of my pregnancies and fingered the soft pink ruffles and wondered...
I've spent 15 years with superhero underwear and Hot Wheels cars and an extensive collection of light sabers. Now I have a bathroom drawer full of glittery hair bows and strawberry lip gloss. It's weird. But good weird. You two make me happy. You made a big new spot in my heart and then filled it up right away. I'm blessed you've accepted me as fully as you have, are learning to trust me, ask me for help, and want to learn from me. I don't imagine either of you ever yelling something like, "You're not my Mom so I don't have to listen to you!!" And now that I've typed that you would never say that, you never can :).
I may be a newbie girl mom, but I was a girl with a mom, and I learned so much from her example. I only with she would have wrote some of it down. So, I'm going to. Write it down. Here are my best 3 pieces of advice for you:
1. Time is short, boys are dumb.
Now, let me back that up because I have four of them that I think are the total bee's knees. I love them dearly. I love the majority of their friends. Boys are super fun--different than girls in the way they think, speak, act, and process--but we were supposed to be made that way, to compliment one another. And with the right guidance, even the doofiest of boys can grow into an amazing man.
I hope you and your girlfriends have lots of crushes and squeal at boy bands. I hope you're the recipient of a bunch of flowers a boy picks for you or buys out of the carnation bin at Wal Mart. Or some necklace he makes you out of his mom's bead collection.
But I hope you don't spend too much of your youth on boys. I hope you never dress in a way that is meant only to impress boys. I hope you don't break up a close friendship with a girl over a boy. I hope you never chop off all your hair or dye it blue because you think that's what a certain boy would like. I hope you never put socks in your bra. (Do I write like I've done all this? Well, yeah...) You have the whole of your 20's to have serious relationships. Right now, at 12 and 7, build friendships. Read good books. Spend time with your awesome parents. Enjoy not spending money on mascara and razors and eyebrow waxing. At 16, do some group dating. Have fun. Get to know boys as friends. Maybe even kiss a few. A lot of your peers will be doing much, much more than this, but that's mostly because they started all that other stuff way too early. It's ok to be young for a while longer. It's ok to not do the same things everyone else is doing. And you'll find out boys make better boyfriends when they've got jobs and money and cars and some self-control. I promise, promise, promise, you won't regret a moment of not growing up too fast.
2. Don't worry so much
I know we as females love to have everything in order, to feel that we are in control of our worlds, that we know who we are and where are place in the world is. We start young, assembling our groups of best friends and sometimes even not-so-nicely excluding other girls. Maybe this gives us a sense of power in a world where, up until about 40 years ago, our efforts and opinions didn't seem as valued as our male counterparts.
But, my sweet new girls, I can promise you this--no matter how well you plan, no matter how in control of your appearance or body you feel you are, no matter how nice you are to other people--stuff is going to happen. It will rain on a day you forget your umbrella. You'll get an F on a test you studied hard for. You won't get the part in the play you wanted. You'll get a zit or two or a hundred--all at once. Your metabolism will catch up with you and you'll gain some weight. And you will never get rid of mean people who do mean things for now apparent reason. Then, one day you'll become a wife and mom and a homeowner, and you'll REALLY realize just how out of control your world is.
But please, please don't let excessive worry rob you of the joy in the moment. It took me almost 30 years to learn that and to embrace it consistently. I hope you figure it out sooner than that. The best questions to ask yourself when you come up against something that's starting to make you feel all worried, icky, flipped out in your stomach, ready to yell or scream or send a text to a certain someone at 3 am...*Can I do something about it? If so, do it, and don't worry. *Can I do nothing about it? If so, let it be, and don't worry.
Women who worry too much, who feel that if they can't control a situation than they somehow "lose," are women who tend to get ugly. Inside and out. They're women who do a lot of yelling at their husbands and children. They're women who slam stuff around. Sometimes they even turn into those women you see pulling each other's hair out and hitting one another with their high heeled shoes.
Don't be those kind of women. Really don't be those kind of women.
Things are hard. You won't always be without worry. I'm just saying, keep it in perspective. There's so much good going on even when stuff is going badly. And always, always be nice.
Finally,
3. Remember both of your Fathers
You have one of the best men on earth as your dad. I fell in love with him from the first time I laid eyes on him, then had the privilege of getting to know him as a friend for over a year. I watched closely how he treated other people, including his family and friends, and old people, and babies, and sick people, and animals. He's as awesome as you think he is. I see soooo much of him in you. In your twinkly eyes, and your long eyelashes, in the way you listen to others, the talents you inherited, and especially in the way you can pull faces. I don't know how all of you can look so goofy at the same time you look so beautiful!
And, oh my goodness, you wouldn't even believe how much he loves you two! When he speaks of you to other people, you'd think he was describing two fairy princesses. He is happy by nature, but when you're with him, he just lights up. He only wants the best for you, in so many ways. Listen to his advice. Try to understand when he says, "No." Understand his decisions concerning you always come after a lot of prayer. Don't lie to him, there's no need. Don't worry about disappointing him, he'll get over it. Keep loving him as much as you do now and let him help you through this life and share in the joy of it with you.
But no matter how wonderful your dad is, he doesn't know everything. And he's going to make mistakes. And he's not going to understand you perfectly. That's why you have a second dad-- your Heavenly Father. Having lost my dad to a car accident when I was just 4, Heavenly Father is the only "dad" I grew up with--and He never let me down. Or if he did, it was temporary--a feeling that went away as I got down the road of life a little further to understand the why of things. Your Heavenly Father loves you and knows you better than you know yourself, and wants you to come talk to Him in prayer every day. He'll talk back, too, just in quiet ways you'll get better at recognizing the more you practice. He cares about everything you do--even little things like bad hair days or lost keys. Ask Him for help. He'll give it in all kinds of ways. Most of all, ask Him to shield you every day that you go out into this crazy, wonderful world, to keep you safe from the junk so that you can better enjoy the good stuff.
And there is SO much good stuff.
I promise.
So, thank you again, new, sweet girls of mine for all you have added to my bucket of blessings. Thank you for your love. Thank you for letting me paint your fingernails. And braid your hair. I couldn't have handpicked better daughters.
All my love,
~Bonus Mom
