I was just sitting at the computer tonight, typing up poetry homework (18 final poems due tomorrow) when I remembered that there was one poem I'd already typed up and sent to a friend, and I went digging through my 'sent messages' file to find it. That's when I ran across this-- what I thought was a recent email that had somehow not been opened......but in reading it, I realized it was from a little over a year ago. The first is a reply from me to Brad, and the second is the original message from Brad to me :
----------------------------------------
Dear Sir,
I believe you have sent this email message in error. No such person with these characteristics lives here. But you sound like a lucky man.
Regrets,
The Old Woman who lives in the Shoe.
----- Original Message -----
From: Brad
To: 'BRAD JENNIFER PETERSON'
Sent: Tuesday, October 23, 2007 7:23 AM
Subject: Just a note
Just a note to let you know that I love you. I just sat and looked at you for a while this morning and wanted you to know there is no way I could ever ask for anyone more kind, caring, beautiful, fun, considerate and wonderful as you. I love you and hope you have a great day.
Me
------------------------------------------
Things I run across--like one of Brad's socks that fell behind the dryer months ago that I recently discovered. Or the container of his deodorant I found in the medicine cabinet that never gets looked in. Or like this email. They still bring back a flood of emotions. (Wouldn't they for you too?) It feels like I have lived a million lives in this past year--with the wisdom and experience and worry lines and gray hairs to accompany that figure. I still have so many questions as to what I was, what I am, what I hope to be in the future. How this all happened again. I don't believe the one person that has some of those answers even reads the blog anymore, so I guess I'm just shouting the questions to the sky to get them out of my system.
I am happy now. Really, really happy. Today I raked the leaves for hours with my boys all around me helping--or at least keeping me company. Ethan climbed a tree. Zane and Liam rode their bikes. James unraked everything I raked. The sun was low in the sky and everything was stained this deep gold color. The smell of earth in the air; and the sharp, brief breezes that came and went; and my heart thumping inside my chest; and my children laughing and chatting--everything about that scene came and wrapped its arms tight around me and whispered in my ear: "Look what you get to do. Life is so good". It is true. I am so loved....and luved.
And then this email re-discovered comes along... with the resulting punch to my stomach feeling that comes when I realize again just how much has changed in so short a time. I imagine it's a feeling I will have to continue to deal with for.....who knows how long. I can only say that I feel so blessed in that I've managed to crawl above "it" all--that somehow I have learned to co-exist with both that sadness that comes and goes, and the joy that is fused into every fiber of me for all I still have.
God is good. He is really, really good.
I hope you're happy too. It IS Tuesday after all--anything can happen :) .
56 comments:
It is really amazing how quickly things change. My ex went from gently remonstrating me for being insensitive becuz I'd demonstrated the strength of our marriage in front of some friends who were having some marital problems to being in an affair and out the door in less than 5 weeks. To say I was stunned and blindsided by it s to understate by a rather significant margin.
I can actually look back and see the problems in the marriage that I wasn't seeing then, and I can honestly say that I'm happier now and that she did me a favor by leaving.... but that doesn't lessen the hurt it had when I was going through it.
It all comes down to time and patience. There will still be bad days, emotional sucker punches, and all of that in there. Just today I imagined a phone call to my ex and realized that while I don't seem to have "hard feelings" toward her anymore, I still haven't fully forgiven her either. Still working on that.
Anyway, this is a ramble now -- hang in there. We're all pulling for you.
Its amazing and a true testament to your character that you are able to appreciate every little moment in your life right now, given the circumstances. You have risen above it, and will continue to do so.
Happy Tuesday Jennifer. Thanks for being you!
Aww. I am so sorry. I can only imagine how one of those moments would just jar you...slam into you. You are so right though, God is good!!! You are doing a great job through it all. Keep doing it.
Jennifer, what a blessing you are! i have been divorced now for nearly 15 years and i have to say that there are occasions - though they are few and far between - that those emotions and questions still pop up. often times, i believe they are there to distract me from seeing the many blessings right in front of me.good for you for not letting them block your view!
you are blessed! life is good! GOD is good! and yes it is Tuesday ... anything can happen!
May your heart be abound with immeasurable peace today!
sara beth
Isn't it good to know that things really are ok and that we are doing the best we can and that the best we can is all we need? I loved this post...you wrapped up the warm fuzzies perfectly and beautifully ;)
your enthusiasm is contagious!
That post made me feel so much. :) :( ;( :) You know what I mean. YOu are amazing as always.
Sometimes I think I am just ambling along. Minding my own business. And then out of no where, there is that sucker punch. A reminder of something I really wanted to forget. I always think that somehow God has a hand in it. But often I am wondering WHY I am being reminded. Sometimes I get it. And sometimes I still wonder...
What an amazing testimony of God's mercy and love. Joy is not dependent on circumstances, but on our relationship with our Father. You are a blessing!!
Lisa Q
I've been there, sister. And it sucks, but you have an amazing attitude and that makes all the difference in the world.
I know how you feel though and I'll be thinking of you.
Prayers,
Bethany
You are sooooo very good about seeing the good. You are blessed, girl and NO DOUBT you *are* a blessing.
ouch! that is rough to run across such a sweet e-mail from brad. i've (kind of...) had that happen when running across letters from an old boyfriend that i was madly in love with...something similar...but i really am so glad that you're bearing it well enough (i didn't say "so well" b/c this might just be your game face for right now...which is ok too...but i think you are such an amazingly strong woman to have handled and are still handling all of this...but you've got some great boys to help you see the joy in life as well....luck is with you!
Since I am relatively new here I guess I didn't realize how recent this was. We all have our week moments and I think sometimes they are good for us. In my opinion, you are incredibly strong and so very positive about everything that has happened. Keep it up!! By the way, I just love your response. He did, indeed, sound like a lucky man. I hope your day is filled with lots and lots of happy thoughts!
You are TRULY INSPIRATIONAL Jennifer! It's always reassuring to know that there are people who have been hurt by significant circumstances and still are able to press on.
You go Girl!!
A perfect example that words mean nothing...action means everything.
a gentle reminder to say what I mean today and do what I say!
thank you,
~simply~
Wow. I can definitely relate to similar feelings. They come and go as do so many feelings in life. It's always nice to know that there can be a better tomorrow. Attitude determines Altitude so how high will we go this Tuesday? The sky's the limit?... no I don't there there is a limit when God is in the equation.
- Happy Tuesday, and the rest of the week to you as well :)
YOU are awesome. A lovely, lovely lady. I'm glad to know you.
completely understand...been there. Recently I was going through a box and found cards from my ex husband to me and ME TO HIM. MY current husband wanted to know why I had them..I did not know I did but still it was sort of like a stomach punch...it was a huge huge part of my life. Take care!
Emotions are funny things, an echo of the past at times when you feel the best. I still have moments too. I think it is only natural to have them, but it is almost a sucker punch too. But it is a way to reafirm all that is good, all that is wonderful and when you looked around and saw your boys and the world and all the beauty, that is God there loving you and giving you strength. I still marvel at how strong you are, that you are so positive.
This Tuesday you are going to have many wonderful blessings heaped upon you...cause anything can happen!
Like you said to me, "You just never know how much life might change for the good within the next year." It sucks that you are going through this and I am sad for you still. But there were, are, and will be good times to come. As always, hang in there and have happy Tuesday too!
You amaze me and inspire me every single time I visit. I felt like I got kicked in the gut reading the email......knowing how much has changed, yet, I had no doubts that you would go on to say how much you've learned, changed, grown, and that you know you are being looked after. You're such a great example!
Just another very clear reminder that life can change in a flash. So glad you're happy! And yes, today I too am happy!
Wow! That is intense.
I'm glad you're happy today! You're awesome and I commend your positiveness.
Love you, God Bless your sweet heart!!!
You don't know me, but I have read your blog some in the recent past. I cannot imagine what you've gone thru, but I can begin to imagine the strength that God is giving you to handle it. You are modeling for others who look on what God's grace and mercy looks like "with skin on".......you have been dealt blows that can cripple and yet you, by His strength, have faced them head on. I pray that God will continue to uphold you with His righteous right hand...Isa.41:10. And I will pray for you each time I visit your blog.
Suzanne
Oh I'm so sorry girl. I think if it were me, and I were to find something like a sock, deodorant or that email (for heaven's sake..WHAT is (was) wrong with HIM!?) I would curl up in a ball again and cry for two more months. YOU my dear are brave! I'm so glad, that through it all, you realize GOD is still good, really, really good. You are amazing! I wish you a very happy week with those sweet boys of your's!!! :) (And my oh my the things you've done...I was reading your last post! Amazing, truly amazing!)
I really enjoyed reading that post. In fact I read it twice. I just recently am going through a seperation from my husband of 12 years and I sometimes feel I am spiraling out of control. I cant get my thoughts together. I feel anger towards HIM, sadness for my KIDS, and yet, I am still unsure as to what I feel for ME. Does that make ANY sense? I am not sure if I am happy, angry, or sad...I hope to one day rise above it hope to give my kids somewhat of a normal life with divorced parents.
Dear Jennifer,
You always know when to post the right things at the right times. My dear sweet husband lost his battle with colon cancer last week, blogging is slowly helping to ease some of the pain. I mourn so greatly for the little things, but rejoice in the fact that we are eternal. My difficult task now is finding the great joy admidst the sorrow, I have 7 little monkeys to live for. Raking leaves, Twilight movies, Thanksgiving dinner, all things needed to get through these difficult times.
May our Father in Heaven continue to bless you with your incredible gift of writing so you may continue to uplift those in need of lifting.
Sincerely,
Becky
God is good all the time, all the time God is good.
I. Can't Even.Imagine....
but then again, most of us reading this email, knowing it was only a year ago.....are right there with you thinking....how?
~sweet Jennifer~
I can feel those moments like yesterday. BUT like you said things can change so fast, in ways we never expect.
Maybe it's bold to say, but your husband allowed Satan to take control of his life. When he allowed that the only thing left to do was leave. His words and actions were/are like a prisoner held captive. His words in that e-mail are who your truely are, never believe the lies.
~praying for you
So sorry you have to deal with these floods of emotion! I can't imagine it. It is crazy what can happen in a year-good and bad.
Those mirrors that flash your past back to you, can be so relieving. I believe hind-sight lives in those clarity mirrors. You got a good one:-)
Girl, you have come so far.
I love your description of everything wrapping it's arms around you and whispering in your ear.
It is good. We are blessed.
When even your blog friends remember when you were "See Brad. See Jennifer. See the boys.", then you know it has happened fast. A lot certainly can change in such a short amount of time. I'm all about shouting things at the sky just to get them out. I generally chat, but shouting works too.
Those are some moments surreal, to be sure.
I hope that over time you will see the pleasant feelings overpower and outnumber the unpleasant ones.
Peace.
-MERESULKY
"Remember, you 'get to' do these things". So much more significant now after reading this. Here are the parts I LOVED.
The cool breeze you breathed in while raking your leaves. I'm so glad your heart is hanging in there so that you "get to" enjoy watching your kids, watching a sunset. I will enjoy tomorrow and think about how I get to do things around the house, and hum around being busy. I will play with my children mindful. Thank you Jennifer. Uh, your bloggy commenter friends are awesome. I can't believe some of the things they're dealing with as well. Heartbreaking.
I'm thankful, less "taking things for granted" once again.
(Thanks Jennifer...for you know....I'll post my original comment now....thanks again)
The statement you made, "I don't believe the one person that has some of those answers even reads the blog anymore, so I guess I'm just shouting the questions to the sky to get them out of my system." just haunts me the most. So upsetting to imagine powerlessness against hope (did that make sense?). I think I would hope for answers, and then feel I was powerless to get them, and yet, not wanting to give in to letting go of the hope that I could. It's like two paint colors that clash and just never look good together: hope and powerlessness. It's like an ugly struggle that you just don't know will ever go away. At least at the time being, it sure feels that way "watching" you go through this, as you share it with all of us. Man, this, once again, would feel so lonely....that nobody could truly understand. Do you hear my tink tink tink of brassy voice?
If I found Mark's sock, if I found a neglected deodorant in a drawer, or even worse, an email, it really would be like you said, a punch in the gut every time. It's like trying to forget something that's just impossible to forget. You were doing so well too. Ugh...I feel powerless against this sort of pain you have to go through, and yet, you've been nothing but a true sweetheart to me on my blog, and in real life! How do you DO THAT!!!?
Well, for any unshared tears that you've cried, I'm just truly sorry. Ugh, and your statement comes back into my mind, "so I guess I'm just shouting the questions to the sky to get them out" makes me think somehow that crying tears without the other person who caused them even caring to know if they're falling, somehow is much worse than if he were at least paying some sort of small attention.
That's it. I'm of no help. I'm going to read other comments and see how far off I am....
I love that our Lord can handle our questions...even if He doesn't answer us right away. He can take our frustrations and we don't have to make ourselves pretty for Him.
You, my dear, are an inspiration.
...sigh...
so interesting that you wrote that, because just this morning in the shower (i am so serious) i was thinking "I wonder how jennifer is doing with the whole brad thing..." I really am thinking about you, girl. and you know that we are all just an email (or a phone call) away :) love you. really. :)
I hate the punches in the stomach. I question all the decisions that I've made in my life, including the big ones, always wondering if I've done the right thing.
Still, maybe one day I'll be more like you, who always seems to have the BEST ATTITUDE EVER about everything. You've been through a heck of a lot more than I have and--wowee--I complain a TON more. At least you have all your cute boys to help you keep from getting too lonely.
Thanks for stopping by my place on my surprise BATW day! I hope you are having a better Wednesday. :)
glad that you were able to soak in the truth that you are completely loved, and that you will continue to have His strength to "crawl" above. i would have totally had a break down day with the blow that you experienced.
and you know, it's true that you are all those things he said...your God and Maker is who made you all those things, and He says that to you so much more than Brad ever could.
Stumbled across your blog today, and I must say you have such a splendid outlook and seem to be a very strong woman.
Hope you're having a wonderful Wednesday!
Thank you for this post.
deep stuff jennifer.
sometimes (many times) life just plain sucks. but then we have those great moments like raking the leaves and noticing how truly wonderful they are and we get through the bad bad stuff.
you are one strong woman. you have to be.
i thought of you this morning...as i pulled out my big stack of christmas magazines. :) i thought "i'm not the only crazy one...jennifer does this too." it's true. i really did.
have a good day girlfriend!
Jennifer, you have an amazing talent for writing and touching people's hearts. You touched mine. You are a fabulous woman.
I hope and pray for you that as time goes on these little "surprises" will become fewer and less painful. You truly are an extraordinary person. I can see that just from your blog.
God is good and your faith and trust in Him is inspiring and an encouragement to others.
Keep holding on.
I read recently that good or bad split, a divorce needs to be grieved. Everyone has to do it in their own way, one day at a time.
*hugs* your way
You seemed to be surrounded by love not only by those physically but by all of us here in cyber space. Take the punch if you must but know that we are right behind you to hold you up.
I cried after reading this. I am so in love with my husband I can't imagine a divorce. That would hurt beyond... I am praying for your comfort. You are a light to many, thank you!
love that you trust us all with this. thanks for making me grateful.
i'm not sure what to say after reading today's entry so i will just say nothing at all.
God is good, and DANG girl! You can write! I feel like I am reading a favorite author when I read your posts :) Stay strong!
Oh wow Jen. I can't imagine. The perplexity of that moment...it really is surreal. It's good to hear that overall you are doing well though.
I am so bummed I missed this post. I cannot even imagine finding that email it after all this time. But you do sound so happy...so content....and for that I am so very happy for you. You will find that person who adores you that way again, Jennifer. You are much too beautiful of a person inside and out for it not to happen. And yes, God is good.
wow! i just found your blog today, not sure how. but i know that i will be reading more. had to comment here - i am stunned at all that has obviously happened in your life in the past year. my life has "unraveled" a bit too, so i feel like i know a bit of what you're talking about. thanks, though for pointing people back to God. without Him, none of us would be able to make it through this thing called life.
okay, back to my reading,
~sheryl
I accidentally found your blog today and have been reading it with great enthusiasm. I love the way you write. You are so funny and really talented.
Above all I wanted to say to you that even though I do not know you I do admire you. You are a strong woman and a wonderful mother. Your boys are very lucky.
My husband has just left me 4 months back, so I can relate with what you were writing in this post. One day you think you're fine, but other days like this, you find yourself pulling that sharp knife from your back. But I think that as long as we try to understand and try to concentrate on the positive side of things, we will do well. No matter how hard it may be sometimes. Good things can and will come out of bad. This is what I have experienced so far.
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