heavy and light

One surprising thing about finding myself suddenly husbandless is the amount of internal dialogue that I suddenly have going on. I don't think I have talked to myself so much since I was a teenager. Sang to myself, complained to myself, and laughed to myself--sure--but not endlessly discussed with myself the big 3 questions that seem now to linger....... Who was I ? Who am I? What do I want to be?........ HEAVY stuff----



I know I was committed, focused, purpose-driven, content, and sometimes too introverted for my own good.

Now, I feel in a very transitional place. My commitment, focus, and purpose are kind of standing against the wall waiting for someone to ask them to dance. My contentment comes and goes accordingly with my levels of anger and fear. And I have for sure learned that being introverted doesn't work when you're lonely. My therapist tells me I've moved out of 'crisis' mode and am now muddling my way through 'shock'. Hooray. He says, too, that I'm weathering everything better than anyone he's seen. Should I take that as a compliment? Isn't that kind of like saying: "wow Ms. Peterson--your'e not quite as crazy as some of those other crazies I listen too...." (Hey--New Boots--would you agree with that diagnosis? You are--after all--like my second, unpaid therapist.......lucky you ;)!).

And then we get to the interesting, often overwhelming "who do I want to BE" part. In a sense, the whole world is open to me. The whole....giant.....scary......world...... I guess I could learn to play a guitar and beg them to let me on American Idol. Oh wait. I would also have to learn to sing. Ummmmm, maybe a nunnery that accepts women with children?! All kidding aside--I think I really just want to be whatever the Lord wants me to be. I know I love my children more than I love myself, and I know that I desire the Kingdom of God more than anything else. That seems like a pretty safe direction to go.........and I 'll just have to wait and see where I arrive.

Alrighty. Enough heavy. Now let's get to the light. This is some of my new***** favorite stuff******:

Chocolate Chex. I bought them because they were on sale---and now I have to remind myself that they are not a new food group. Seriously---yummy right out of the box. Or with milk. First thing in the morning. At lunch. And right before you go to bed. And sometimes in the middle of the night when you dream that Blake Lewis wants you to make him a bowl. Luckily the boys aren't all that into them or I would have to start hiding them....


Sally Hansen Airbrush Legs. My skin only has two colors it's capable of producing: white or red. White works in the fall and winter..... but not so much in the summer. Neither is red all that becoming. So this product gives me a happy medium for when I wear shorts or skirts. It's like getting 10 pairs of pretty, shimmery nylons in a can....for the price of one in a box. I know you want to go buy some my fellow white/red girls!

O.K.......so has ANYONE heard of this show called......

???????? Yes, yes--I know I am the last person in the world to crawl out from the rock I've been living under and start watching this. I've been renting it on DVD and letting it keep me entertained on laundry folding nights. HILARIOUS! And what's great is that the one recent finale' episode I caught isn't all that much different from season 2 that I'm picking my way through right now. I like a show that can be followed over time (which is why I gave up on Lost after a month!). Now I get all the references to Jim and Pam and Dwight. I'm one of you....I'm really one of you.......

Finally, I totally love that my friend/ neighbor's mom just moved in down the street. Her shopaholic mom. Who buys lots and lots of stuff on clearance, shoves it in her closet, throws away her receipts, and then--when she goes to wear the stuff months later-- realizes that she either doesn't fit in or like most of it anymore. And then she gives it to her daughter. Who also isn't sure if she likes it. And then her daughter passes it on to me. Oh what treasures :)!!!......

Strappy yellow peep toe wedges anyone? I think I may just have found my new happy shoes....

May you have more light than heavy to dwell on today!