why i cry

There was one last question that was asked of me on Monday that I didn't address in the last two posts. It was more serious than the others and I felt it deserved an answer all its own. Amanda wanted to know: How are you doing really? How are you handling your current struggles? Amanda knows me in real life--enough to see me at least once a week in church. And I'm usually happy when you see me, right Amanda? I can only assure you that my happiness is genuine. I've never been a great pretender when it comes to my emotions--so if I'm smiling, I mean it. It's a weird kind of "numb" happiness though. Like God has put this giant force field of faith and mercy around me that keeps the full weight of this trial from crushing me all at once. I find it strangely confusing and appreciated at the same time.

But I do still cry. Every day in fact. Usually just for as long as it takes me to shower. Or as long as it takes me to fall asleep. Or those fairly rare times when I'm all by myself, and it's quiet, and I'm forced to just sit with my emotions for a while.

It's kind of funny what triggers the tears though. It always starts, of course, with the sickening realization that Brad is gone. That he is not coming back. That, like it or not, my life and the life of my children are forever changed. It's a sensation like someone has poured wet cement into me and it is slowly setting to concrete. But, I cry about other things too:

-I cry because gas and milk are too expensive.

-I cry whenever we sing "Lead Kindly Light" in church and get to the part: keep Thou my feet, I do not ask to see the distant path, one step enough for me.

-I cry because I yelled too much at my kids that day.

-I cry because my back itches and there's no one there to scratch it.

-I cry because Jim didn't get to propose to Pam.

-I cry because my "To Do" list never seems to get "To Done" no matter how diligent I am.

-I cry because I feel like I'm thinking way too much about myself when I should be reaching out to others and losing myself in service.

-I cry because I have the body of a real 33 year old, and not like a TV/movie 33 year old.

-I cry because I want to buy pretty orange shoes, but my desire to stay out of debt won't let me.

-I cry because I have seen evidence already that having the person I loved most in the world betray and hurt me in the manner he did will forever affect my ability to trust and love people around me the way I did before.

-I cry because it feels like I just can't do anything right.

-I cry because, even though it's been two years since she died, I still think it might be my Mom calling when the phone rings. And she'll have all the answers. And she'll go buy me those pretty orange shoes.

-I cry at the commercials where the kid is feeding his Dad Cheerios so his cholesterol won't be so high.

-I cry because my good friend Steve isn't in this world anymore.

-I cry because I have to send my Zane off to school for the first time next week and it breaks my heart to think that someone who is not me will be getting him for 6 hours a day and watching him learn and grow, and I'm afraid they won't recognize all the incredible potential that is in him.

-I cry because I have to send my Ethan off to school 2 weeks after that, and I worry that his teacher isn't going to understand that he likes to stand up when he does his work and that he needs his questions answered right away or he forgets them, and that his heart is so tender.

-I cry because I'm always stubbing my toe on the living room chair and burning myself whenever I bake.

-I cry because my two sweet little ones cry.....a lot...... really loudly..... about EVERYTHING! and that everyone's emotions in this house just run waaaaay too high sometimes.... most times.

-I cry because I see the tears well up in my older boys' eyes when they talk about something they did with their Dad in the past. And I want so badly to protect them and make it all better--but how?!

-I cried the other day when I had "The Gambler" playing because it reminded me of my childhood best friend, Emily, who now lives like a hippie in a VW bus somewhere on a beach in Mexico.

-I cry because I wonder if my heart valve injury will ever heal itself or if I'm going to always have this gripping fear of dropping dead of a heart attack one day.

-I cry because Fred Meyer stopped carrying Ben and Jerry's S'mores ice cream and it was my favorite.

-I cry the hardest because no matter what or who I plug into the equation that is my life and future--- I just can't see a happy ending yet.

It would be pretty depressing if I ended here, wouldn't it? Thankfully, I can also report that there are a lot of times I am blessed to cry out of gratitude too. I am SO grateful that I am still the mother of four incredibly special, wonderful, unique boys whom I love with all my heart-- and who get to live with me. I get to stay in this house that I worked so hard to transform into a home. I'm financially not too bad off. I have a lot of goals and ambitions and enough intelligence to help me achieve them. I have a handful of close friends and family members who keep an eye on me. I have a blog with incredible readers whose comments are like daily affirmations. I get to live in a world so beautiful in its creation that it actually takes my breath away at times. I still laugh... a lot. I have the kind of faith that acts like a big pillow always there to catch me when I need it the most. And I know for certain that no matter how alone I feel--I never, ever, ever am. And that really is something to cry about.



Ending on a lighter note-- here's a token of my gratitude for everyone reading all these insanely long, self-centered posts this week:






You're welcome :).