unequal distribution?

Usually when something of importance happens in my life, it takes a while for me to blog about it. First, I decide if it's something I even want to talk about. Then, if it is, I need to get my mind wrapped around it the right way---because when I write something down, it's my way of teaching myself what I've learned from the experience--and I want to make sure I've learned my lesson first.

I have a great friend named Stevan. He's about my height, red hair, boundless energy, and a huge smile always spread across his face. The house I live in now use to belong to his best friend. He was the first person we met when we moved in, and he would stop by frequently during the remodel to see if we needed any help. And would ALWAYS help when we did. Steve and his family just live around the corner from us, and it wasn't long before his twins and my two older boys were attached. His 13 year old soon joined the picture too, and "Uncle Daniel" as my little ones call him, quickly became our favorite babysitter. Steve LOVES his kids and is always the one out playing with them... and every other kid in the neighborhood--he even invented a great game similar to kick the can but involving an empty milk jug with a glow stick in it. I never did get all the rules involved, but my kids couldn't wait for it to get dark so they could run down the street to play. He has a pool and taught Zane and Ethan to swim--really swim-- last summer, allowing them to pass off a cub scout requirement. He and his family spent Thanksgiving with us as well as many Sunday dinners. Steve is one of those men you love to cook for because he showers you with compliments and always asks for seconds! They were the family we spent the past two New Year's Eves with eating homemade egg rolls and playing "Scene It".

The day I went to pick up the divorce papers, Stevan was the first person I had to explain the situation to-- since my 8 year old 'let the cat out of the bag'. The look on his face was one of complete shock: "No one is immune, are they?" he asked. After that, he really stepped up to help fill that daily "dad vacancy" for my boys, including them in a lot of outings and activities he was doing with his own kids. He and I have had our share of pretty serious talks while we watch the kids swim or play, about life's up and downs and how to hold to our faith. He lost his job in a series of layoffs about 3 weeks previous and was trying to make some fairly heavy decisions concerning his family. I never felt uncomfortable talking to him--his intentions were nothing but sincere. He was the one whose question about explaining divorce to your children inspired this post.

Last Wednesday (July 2), I had his kids over to play for most of the day while Steve taught piano lessons and did some church work. He came by to pick them up about 7:30 and stayed to watch the last 1/2 hour of Monsters, Inc. with us. He kept nodding off. "Just tired" he said, "and kind of sick to my stomach". He was tired a lot but always kept going. I didn't think anything of it.

By Thursday morning, he had passed away. At age 46. No health problems at all. Sleeping on his couch. His kids found him. Heart attack.

And I just have to say: Why, God, Why?! I don't question Heavenly Father or His reasons. He is so much wiser than I . I am not angry. Just full of questions and wanting sooooo badly to understand the trials in this life. I know everyone has them--some come naturally, others created through poor decisions-- and that so many people carry their grief around unknown. But there are other people who just seem to sail through this life with nary a care---and often so unaware of all they have been blessed with. Trials, I feel, just seem unequally distributed at times.

I'm thankful that some of the good men and women in this world finally get a chance to rest from their troubles and cares and go home--really home-- but it stinks to be the ones left behind-- a little smaller and a little less happy, the ones questioning why. In my case, left behind again and again and again and again as I watch more and more loved ones pass from this life.


The funeral was on Tuesday. A very moving tribute to a great man that the world seems bleaker without. His wife and children will be moving away to Utah soon to be closer to relatives. On my drive home, I listened to the voice messages on my cell phone. One was from Steve, left that Tuesday before he died. He wanted to know if the kids and I wanted to come over and do a puzzle on Saturday.................
We would have.